"interesting" appt today...

I had a consult with a general surgeon today for my hernia.  Well, as soon as he walked in, I knew that I wasn't in for a riproaring time.  He wasn't warm and friendly, thats for sure.  Then he asked why I was there, took a bunch of notes, and then started asking about why I had so and so health insurance and why we didn't have anything else but that.  He then examined my hernia (feeling for edges of where it started and ended (~12 inches augh)), and then had me stand up to see how much it stuck out when I stood up.  He told me that I had two options.  What I REALLY need is a 4 step surgery (not sure if that means 4 surgeries or just one big elaborate surgery), but that they would need to carve things apart in there and put them back together the way they were meant to be, and this would be refinforced by some kind of graft once they got me all back together again. This would requite a few days of hospitalization and would be very painful.  Unfortunately, this was NOT even one of my two choices, bc my insurance won't pay for that and he assured me that he doesn't let insurance mandate giving care to a patient, but that he also can't be expected to do these kinds of surgeries for free unless its a true emergency. 

So my options actually are:  1.  To have the minimally invasive laparascopy that my insurance will pay for and they would try to sew a patch in between the 12 inches of open fascia....but that this would most likely not work for any long period of time, just bc of the extent of the hernia/damage inside.  I would also still look like I have a hernia, bc this patch would still let stuff push through to some extent.  2.  To wait it out, re-evaluate in 6 months (and hopefully get better insurance), and do it the right way.  Also would give me time to get in better shape, so to hopefully lessen my chances of 5 months of infection like last time (augh).  He recommended option 2. 

As crappy as his bedside manner was, I have learned along the way that drs with the least pleasant bedside manner are usually the  most meticulous drs/surgeons (and the ones you want doing your surgery).   And he could easily do the first option, get paid for it, and forget about me for the time being.  But he highly recommends the more extensive surgery to get the best results for me. 

I figure this is God's will.  If I was meant to have this thing fixed now, the option would be made available to me.  I am not looking forward to walking around with this huge lump indefinately (as well as being unsightly, it is often very sore), but I also appreciate that for Ansen, this is probably the best choice.  When I had all my other surgeries, Ansen was a newborn and could stay in the hospital with me and Doug, bc all he did was sleep and eat.  He is still exclusively nursed (well with table food) and he hasn't had a bottle since my surgery in September.  Even with the least invasive method, they said I would have to stay in hospital for a few days and Ansen would definately not just chill out at hospital like he did as a newborn; he is now a busy, exploring, crawling everywhere, tasting everything ~11 month old.  I don't want our nursing relationship to end right now (or be messed up by us being apart for a few days)....since he is my last baby, it is very special to me.  I have been looking forward to my spring/summer/fall without a wound, and I certainly don't want to have some half done surgery, only to still need more surgery later. 

So that is that; my choice is pretty much made for now.  Just going to wait it out for now.  I asked if this was a dangerous option, but he said that my hernia was so big that "you could stick your head through", and that something that massive doesn't run a huge risk of entrapping intestines and such.  He felt that anything coming through could easily make its way back in. 

Truthfully, I still can't believe thats how my appt went though....I thought for sure that we would schedule something, get it fixed, and that would be that.  I had heard insurance can be like this, but I guess its just truly eye opening that they can play such a huge part in your medical options/own personal health.  This world is crazy. :(  But God hasn't forgotten me, I am sure of this.  So I will just ride this out and see what road we end up at when all is said and done.   

Thy will be done

The sermon this week was about letting God's will be done in your life; to listen to those whispers in regards to what direction he wants you to head in your life.  Of course, this sermon couldn't have come at a better time....I am on an hourly (gee, almost minutely) battle at times, between what I personally WANT out of life (I want to find some miracle solution to get out of my house NOW and buy a farmhouse in neighboring, farm animal friendly city, and all the farm animals of my dreams, I want to stop being hounded on a daily basis about homeschooling and our family and my life and just enjoy simpleness at its finest)....but I innately feel like God's will is the polar opposite of everything I want for myself.   I have one thing that I feel really strongly that He wants me to do and that he keeps putting on my heart, and I am pretty convinced that leaving our house is not in our cards either (the whole bloom where you are planted thing).   And I appreciate it and I try to accept it and bloom a great big bloom....BUT, hey what can I say, I am human and my own personal will is strong and my own desires always cloud God's will; make is easier to ignore that whisper on my soul.  I am reading a book called  "If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!!"  I am a work in progress and I have to keep learning/accepting this. I had to accept it when I tried ferverently (and failed for quite some time) at having our first child, I had to accept it when I had my fourth boy, I had to accept very much so when I went through placenta percreta and subsequent surgeries.  And I am still learning/accepting that lesson now, with my husband still looking for work, and with my hopes and dreams so big and so unattainable at the moment.   There are quite a few areas of my life that I have become an expert at heeding God's whispers...or putting them off for a short while. But truth be told, the sermon this week was my reminder; my kick in the butt.  I need to fully hand over the controls of my life to God, and let us His will be done with our life...and let those whispers of His on my heart grow like Ansen ultimately did! 

Thy will be done

On Earth, as it is in Heaven.

Fitting in...

Its so easy to desire to be part of the "in crowd" of this world.  Its comfortable to not be an outsider and its certainly great for your self esteem.  But is it good for spiritual growth to always feel comfortable and at ease-is the good life/being popular/fitting into the norm the way to go to get where you ultimately want to be?  I don't know.  I have found that when I am most comfortable, I have not wanted to change much in my life...I felt very content as is and changed very little spiritually.   And then when I have done the most outlandish, out of the norm things, leading us to a not so comfortable/easy going period in my life, I have exponentially grown spiritually in such amazing/rich ways, that I don't even recongize the person I am today. 

I have come to the conclusion that for me, I want to stick out like a sore thumb.  I want our family to march to the beat of a different drummer.  Of course, I also want to work my hardest to always act with Christ like behavior (and really want my children and husband to exhibit the same qualities).  But I want to fight that desire to fit in; that desire that we are innately born with.  I have spent the last few years, following my heart, but also wanting to fit into the crowd and wondering why we so sorely stuck out.  I have come to the realization that you can't have both.  But you know what, in the end... I don't want to be comfortable.  In my experiences, with comfort, our spiritual growth slows to almost a halt.  I don't think God wants us to live a simply comfortably, self pleasing life.  We are meant to continually step out of our comfort zone-both learning from the experience ourselves and hopefully teaching others a little here or there as we head along a new, less traveled road that continually enlighten our spirituality.  So as we continue to travel this path called life, don't be surprised if our family chooses the most out of the norm/least popular route; the path covered over with brambles, the long and winding unknown route that leads to who knows where.  Yep thats where we will be....and feel free to join us!! :)

Grow where you are planted

Every day is a new challenge and a new life lesson to either learn or to use.  And my life lesson lately has been to remind myself that I need to grow where I was planted.  I am human; I am jealous at times.  Everyone around me has bigger houses and bigger yards.  We bought our house at the peak of the market and get a little house for a lot of money.  And now you can get a LOT of house and yard for a little money.  My grandfather's house is for sale, and it includes 4.5 acres...for 180,000.  Our house was 187,000 for .10 acre of land.  Doug and I always wanted a farm, but I gotta tell you that its probably hard to have even the tiniest pseudo farm on .10 acre of land.  Sometimes I find myself getting jealous and wondering why our life lead us here and how its SOOOOO not conducive to our dreams.  Its hard not to compare with others and wish for a redo.  But comparison is the thief of joy. 

I remind myself daily that God put us here for a reason.  None of this is a surprise in His perfect plan for us.   He planted our seeds here, and now its time for us to grow and thrive, to taking on the challenge of living out our dreams as best as we can for the time being.  For we aren't ever promised a tomorrow.  We may think we are invincible, and make all these big plans and dreams for our tomorrows...but in doing so, we waste away the gift of today-the gift of this moment in time, right in front of our noses.   Today is here, and this is what God has blessed us with today, and we are going to extract every ounce of promise and potential we have been afforded here.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  I don't have time to worry about all those tomorrows, when I have this big, beautiful today right in front of me-blossoming with promise.  We are going to create our own little (and I mean LITTLE) backyard homestead and make a space that makes some of our simpler dreams come true and and gives God the thanks.  An outdoor space that we can work for food, an outdoor space that we can play in, and an outdoor space that we can simply sit outside in, hear the birds in, feel the breezes in, and reflect on the small, sweet blessings and rewards of life.  Small spaces don't have to be the end of big dreams. 

My house is small, my yard is small, but God knows where I live.

Have a HUGE incisional hernia.....

Found that out last week.  I had always thought that ugly, hard lump that looked like an alion sticking out of my stomach was some weird healing of scar tissue.  Well it appears its actually my organs on the inside trying to come out.  I was referred to a surgeon, but have yet to hear anything at all.  Doug ran into my visiting nurse while bringing the twins to speech, and she said I would have to have it taken care of.  Of course, the first thing I think about is infection when thinking of another surgery.  My body obviously HATES any kinds of surgeries, and just overcompensates with the wound fluid to the injury.  Gosh, I really don't want to start THAT all over again.  I kinda like having a closed stomach, thankyouverymuch.  I want to talk about my options with the surgeon (if they ever contact me).  I was told that most of the time they can do this laparoscopally.  How likely is that in my case??  This thing is the size of a grapefruit.  *shrug*  Guess I will find out eventually.  But can I say that I am the *tiniest* bit excited that I am not going to have this lump sticking out of my stomach for my whole life.  This body isn't forever.  I know and value that.  And truthfully my stomach reminds me daily of my faith journey and the greater good it has brought.  But the weird bump sticking out that feels like this freaky hard water balloon ...yeah I think I could live without that if they tell me it needs to be fixed.  Do I feel like taking the chance of infection and such for it??? EHHHHHHHH.  Not sure of an answer for that one.  But if it can be done laparscopally....well that seems a little less infection likely.  And no, thats NOT a challenge for my body....to manifest yet another weird, against the odds infection.  Time (and a surgeon) will tell with what we plan to do with this lovely incisional hernia...for now we wait.