Have a HUGE incisional hernia.....

Found that out last week.  I had always thought that ugly, hard lump that looked like an alion sticking out of my stomach was some weird healing of scar tissue.  Well it appears its actually my organs on the inside trying to come out.  I was referred to a surgeon, but have yet to hear anything at all.  Doug ran into my visiting nurse while bringing the twins to speech, and she said I would have to have it taken care of.  Of course, the first thing I think about is infection when thinking of another surgery.  My body obviously HATES any kinds of surgeries, and just overcompensates with the wound fluid to the injury.  Gosh, I really don't want to start THAT all over again.  I kinda like having a closed stomach, thankyouverymuch.  I want to talk about my options with the surgeon (if they ever contact me).  I was told that most of the time they can do this laparoscopally.  How likely is that in my case??  This thing is the size of a grapefruit.  *shrug*  Guess I will find out eventually.  But can I say that I am the *tiniest* bit excited that I am not going to have this lump sticking out of my stomach for my whole life.  This body isn't forever.  I know and value that.  And truthfully my stomach reminds me daily of my faith journey and the greater good it has brought.  But the weird bump sticking out that feels like this freaky hard water balloon ...yeah I think I could live without that if they tell me it needs to be fixed.  Do I feel like taking the chance of infection and such for it??? EHHHHHHHH.  Not sure of an answer for that one.  But if it can be done laparscopally....well that seems a little less infection likely.  And no, thats NOT a challenge for my body....to manifest yet another weird, against the odds infection.  Time (and a surgeon) will tell with what we plan to do with this lovely incisional hernia...for now we wait.

Hoping that I won't miss my uterus like this for the rest of my life....

I have more then enough children to keep me busy here, I don't feel like there is a little soul tugging on my heart like I did 2 years ago, but I still miss my uterus all the time.  It's ridiculous I know.  I always am thinking of things I could have done differently in my life so I could have kept it (of course, all these options in my mind still include having my 6 kids).  I feel a major allegience to my uterus, it might have been screwed up at the end, but it did an amazing job of growing 6 children for me.  I am wondering if it will be this hard for the first year anniversary of things, and then I will slowly but surely fully accept the hysterectomy and move on.  Gosh, I hope so.  I wish I could relive the last 8 years of my life.   All my pregnancies went by so quickly, my babies are growing so fast....every time I blink, everyone is another half year older.   Ansen-my last baby ever- is crawling and is getting closer and closer to a year old.  It makes me sad that I really missed his first 3 months of life, with him in the NICU and then me being drugged out for surgery after surgery.  I don't even remember July at all.   I mourn having a normal delivery and those moments in the hospital where all you had to do was focus on all that joy of getting to know our new baby.  The last time I felt that was at Caden's birth (over 5 years ago).  That makes me really sad.

Thankfully I have God to remind me that this is EXACTLY how he planned my life to be.  None of this was a surprise to Him, and in regards to having children, all I wanted to do was have all the children HE had planned for me.   And I did that. Even when things got scary bringing Ansen into the world, I did just what God hoped I would.  I know I need to stop putting the focus on my missing uterus and instead pour all that focus into God and the life He has granted me.  I don't want to be that person that spends so much time on the shoulda/woulda/couldas that I miss out on the joys of every today.  I think I just REALLY need spring to get here...spring always helps me refocus.  Sitting in the house/within these 4 walls, day after day after day with 6 VERY energetic children can take its toll on the sanest of minds.  Here's hoping that many outside days are on its way soon here....and that I can use the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, much more clear mind of spring to get over this "missing my uterus" stuff.

Ansen is now one pregnancy old....

One pregnancy....nine months old.  I am so grateful that God sent him to complete our family....he is such a joy to all of us!  I just wish he wasn't growing up so fast on me.....

got a case of the blahs....

Its almost been a year since I was put into the hospital for bleeding.  Almost a year since I prepared for what seemed like imminent surgery for me and my 26 week baby.  Almost a year since they uttered the words "potential placenta percreta".  Almost a year since I went on bedrest. 

Last year was terrifying, but seems "holy" to me now.  It was the time when my faith was most tested, and when I felt/saw God's work the clearest.  I am now founding that I miss that clarity.  I mourn that clarity.  Life is back to its monotanous hum drum of life, people going on with their lives, and I am of course expected to go on with my life, as time flies by.  My baby boy is 9 months old.  Its been 9 months since I had to face a surgery that could have ended my life, 9 months since I faced my biggest fears, 9 months since I kissed my uterus goodbye, and 9 months that have flown by that I have yet to fully process.  I would give anything to relive one of those days again last year, even though they were the most terrifying of my life.  *sigh*  Life is flying by, and I feel like I am doing little but make it through the days here....life is so busy here at my house, my kids keep me so busy.  I want to do more though....do more then just trudge through my days and check off my daily todolist.  I think I was supposed to do more with this.  But I just am not sure of what that is.

I miss my uterus as well.  Now that my baby boy is getting closer and closer to one, I am reminded that my last baby is growing up too fast on me like the others have.  And  I missed half of his months as a baby drugged up on percocet bc of wound/surgery pain.  :(  I wish I could have some of that time back now. 

The sermon at church spoke to me this week.  Was about taking that holy moment in your life and using it as inspiration for the normal, "boring" days ahead.  God always finds a way to give us the messages we need to hear...now I just need to figure out how I can use this info to make for a more spirtually fulfilling life for us all here.   

Things are just kinda weird....

My husband lost his job of 7 years.  Just feels weird.

Having him home 24/7.  Weird, but great.

Having our pay cut DRAMATICALLY, but thanks to unemployment, not to nothing.  Weird, but hopefully life changing.

Having him start a part time job soon after being home for almost a month.  Weird...and gonna miss him.

Having life flying past so crazy fast right now.  Weird.  Makes me miss the slowness of my life on bedrest.

Having a baby that is 8 months old already, and about to crawl.  Weird.  He was a newborn for like 2 seconds it seems.  Most of it was the drugged haze I was in for the first few months of his life.

Already being in mid February.  Weird.  Why is time going so fast?

Can't believe its almost been a year since I started bleeding and got diagnosed with the worst diagnosis.  And started my bedrest.  And thought every day I might have to deliver my baby.  And wondered if I would make it through my surgery.  Weird.  How has that already been a year?

Missing my uterus.  WEIRD?  Who misses a uterus?

I know we will move through all the weirdness to a more comfortable "new" kind of life.  Just waiting and wondering, wanting life to slow down enough for me to savour my last baby and my other 5, always growing/always changing kids, sometimes I want life to halt so I can process the last year properly, but then other times I want certain aspects of life to speed up, bc I am anxious to find out what more God has in store for us.  Weird may not always feel good, but God rocks our sometimes too comfortable worlds with these "weirds", and then uses the "weirds" to help us be better people.  Still working on figuring out what more God has planned with me and my family...and all I hope is that I don't let Him down.

When people tell me how happy and good natured Ansen is....

each and every time, all I want to answer is YES, he is...he is just very happy and content with being alive.  He is loving life.   Many people don't know how close he could have come to not being here, multiple times.  How close we both came at times.  This last year taught me so much.  Ansen teaches me more and more, day after day.  I am so lucky and blessed.  Lucky and blessed to have Ansen and Rylan and Gavin and Caden and Elise and Kylie and Doug.  And my family.  And my friends.  Thankful for life.  Thank you God!

Crafting away...

I am in a mad holiday rush to make all the Christmas gifts on my extensive todolist.  Why is Christmas so close already??  This year is a lot different feeling then last year.  Last year I wondered if I would have a baby around this Christmas or just a bunch of sad memories.  Last year I wondered if they hats I made my family would be nothing more of little reminders to them of my last Christmas.  Last Christmas was a very blue Christmas for me.  Every morning I woke up cuddled next to Ansen and my heart is bursting.  I have this majorly deformed looking stomach that still hurts in a certain area (probably a forever thing) and as much as I hate this ugly stomach, it reminds me of beauty.  The beauty of life.  The beauty of being a mother.  The beauty of family.  The beauty of God and His world.  The beauty of following God's path, even when the path may not appear so beautiful or wonderful or even worthy to travel.  As I make Christmas gifts this year, my heart celebrates.  It's a different feeling from last year.  And truthfully winter is my least favorite season.  I hate the cold, I hate snow and I hate the dark late afternoons.  But I am embracing it all, every second of it, because most importantly, Ansen and I get to enjoy it together with our family.