Just thinking about our family, and I feel so lucky that I have the husband I do. It feels so surreal that I could have possible met him 14+ years ago, as a 15 year old and that I had the insight at the time to see and appreciate the specialness in him!! He is certainly NOT the one that got away! I made sure of that!! I knew from the start that he was special and as I got to know him more and more, I knew he would be an great husband and a great daddy. And he has ultimately proved me wrong. I thought he would be great, but he has proved to be amazing....BEYOND amazing...beyond words to describe the daddy/husband he has grown to be. His father wasn't that great of a father, so he had no great influence to follow the footsteps of...but he still found his way.
Yesterday, he made me want to cry. We were heading out for a ride. And I was sitting in the front seat and he had buckled the twins and my niece in. He ran back inside the house all the sudden, and I sat there wondering what he had forgotten. Moments later, he came out, with him arms full of 2 mermaids "mermees", an elephant "ellie", a truck, and 2 blankies "kikis". The kids were all yelling YEAH and so excited. He had brought all their favorites for our ride. And these favorites were spilling out of his arms as he walked towards the van. And that moment, that simple moment, was better then the moment when I was at one end of the aisle and he was at the other, waiting to be married. Bc with those little considerations, he shows me how precious our children...the children WE made together...are to his life. Those moments make me fall in love with him all over again.
And bc of him, we make an incredible team. He is my co-coach in life and our family. And our 5.5 kids are our team members. All 7.5 of us together make up an awesome team! I feel so incredibly lucky. Sometimes it feels too good to be true. And we have our struggles with life, no doubt. Life throws us all curveballs here and there-its no Camelot. But we have each other and our children, and that makes our life feel fulfilling, no matter how hard the season of our life may be at the time.
So many people have told us in the last few years that we NEED TO get away. For the sake of marriage. Bc for some reason, everyone feels like they need a vacation away from their family to feel connected again? My husband and I always shake our heads at this advice. We are happy and we feel as connected as ever. We have busy lives, but we have NEVER felt the need to be apart from our children-they are a part of who we are and being with them makes us happy. And we have PLENTY of alone time, contrary to other's beliefs. Our kids go to bed at 6:30 pm. Almost every night, we are awarded our date night once 7 pm arrives. We get to spend our own time together, as a couple, enjoying each other's company, talking about our days and our dreams; all with our most precious assets sleeping peacefully in the other room.
Yep, I feel lucky to be on this team. And to have the amazing co-coach I do. Thank you God for that day almost 30 years ago, when we were both born (12 hours apart) and thank you for crossing our paths again 15 years later...ultimately leading us to the life we live now and the team we have created together. :)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Sacrifices of having a larger then average, closely spaced family....
Once upon a time, I once "idolized" another blog writer and her brood of young children, similarily spaced to mine. But lately, I have seen the light I guess. Mostly bc I don't understand how she can live the life she does, with the number of young, closely spaced children she has. The US has an average of 2.1 kids. And why is that? Because 2.1 leaves room to have a comfy life still, with 2.1 kids you can still find a babysitter for a week at a time here or there....with 2.1 kids, you can afford the fancy trips once a year to DisneyWorld...with 2.1 kids, you can still buy the fancy, named brand stuff....with 2.1 kids, you can still afford daycare. I could go on and on. And after I had my 2.1 kids, I realized how easy my life COULD be. But my heart yearned for more children. More children tugged at my soul and wanted to be let into my family. And so came the sacrifices.
When you have more then the average 2.1 children, especially when they are closely spaced....you basically give up everything to do so. You know no one will want to watch your many young children for an extended period of time (HELLO, its EXHAUSTING...I don't blame them at all!!!) You know when you have many young children, you can't afford fancy vacations/cruises anymore. With many young children, you give up on the fancy, name brand clothing for the most part. You know when you have many young children, they are all young enough that they all NEED you-so give up on that career. After all, you can't afford daycare anyways. You have to give up on just about everything and dedicate your life as a full time caregiver-its like giving birth to your own private daycare of children. Do you know when the last time I have taken a shower without an audience is (I love that my kids love to set the mood for my shower by turning on and off the lights over and over again.) Yep, those darn sacrifices we make!! And for what? Its exhausting and busy and chaotic...but yet wonderful of course! Actually, let me take that back, if you are Angeline Jolie, forget all these sacrifices. You can somehow do it all. But for those of us average folks, it takes a LOT of sacrifices to enter the club of "mommyhood to many young children". And its certainly not a life for everyone....in fact, there aren't that many of us around.
I once idolized this blog because I felt a kinship with one of my own kind. One mommy of many young children feeling for another mommy of many young children. We had both made those sacrifices and were living those crazy, busy, exhausting, chaotic, wonderful lives. And she made it look EASY!! And she posted beautiful pictures of her life with many young children. But now, I am seeing that she may talk the talk, but in reality, she doesn't truly walk the walk. All those sacrifices those of us "normal" mommys to many young children HAVE TO (i.e. no choice but to) give up, she somehow doesn't have to. But she made it appear that she did. But then showed she doesn't. And its hard to understand the facade she has put up. And honestly, I have no idea how someone who has many young children can get away with living the life of someone who has few to no children. But I don't have time to follow and idolize someone that lives the opposite of what I think mommyhood to many young children is all about. Its not the direction I am looking to head, so its of little value of me to follow. *shrug* Instead, I will continue to focus on my kids and my family first, teaching my many young children about life and God and their purpose here on Earth and beyond. And I will embrace the sacrifices we have made, to have the soon to be 6 children we have been blessed with...and enjoy the rewards of what it brings to our life, each and every day. These daily rewards that do NOT include money (nor special trips at the drop of a hat) most certainly DO include the joy and precious moments every minute of every day that money can and never will be able to buy!!!
When you have more then the average 2.1 children, especially when they are closely spaced....you basically give up everything to do so. You know no one will want to watch your many young children for an extended period of time (HELLO, its EXHAUSTING...I don't blame them at all!!!) You know when you have many young children, you can't afford fancy vacations/cruises anymore. With many young children, you give up on the fancy, name brand clothing for the most part. You know when you have many young children, they are all young enough that they all NEED you-so give up on that career. After all, you can't afford daycare anyways. You have to give up on just about everything and dedicate your life as a full time caregiver-its like giving birth to your own private daycare of children. Do you know when the last time I have taken a shower without an audience is (I love that my kids love to set the mood for my shower by turning on and off the lights over and over again.) Yep, those darn sacrifices we make!! And for what? Its exhausting and busy and chaotic...but yet wonderful of course! Actually, let me take that back, if you are Angeline Jolie, forget all these sacrifices. You can somehow do it all. But for those of us average folks, it takes a LOT of sacrifices to enter the club of "mommyhood to many young children". And its certainly not a life for everyone....in fact, there aren't that many of us around.
I once idolized this blog because I felt a kinship with one of my own kind. One mommy of many young children feeling for another mommy of many young children. We had both made those sacrifices and were living those crazy, busy, exhausting, chaotic, wonderful lives. And she made it look EASY!! And she posted beautiful pictures of her life with many young children. But now, I am seeing that she may talk the talk, but in reality, she doesn't truly walk the walk. All those sacrifices those of us "normal" mommys to many young children HAVE TO (i.e. no choice but to) give up, she somehow doesn't have to. But she made it appear that she did. But then showed she doesn't. And its hard to understand the facade she has put up. And honestly, I have no idea how someone who has many young children can get away with living the life of someone who has few to no children. But I don't have time to follow and idolize someone that lives the opposite of what I think mommyhood to many young children is all about. Its not the direction I am looking to head, so its of little value of me to follow. *shrug* Instead, I will continue to focus on my kids and my family first, teaching my many young children about life and God and their purpose here on Earth and beyond. And I will embrace the sacrifices we have made, to have the soon to be 6 children we have been blessed with...and enjoy the rewards of what it brings to our life, each and every day. These daily rewards that do NOT include money (nor special trips at the drop of a hat) most certainly DO include the joy and precious moments every minute of every day that money can and never will be able to buy!!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
22 weeks tomorrow....
I am just counting down the weeks til viability. Considering how horrible the beginning of this pregnancy went, that goal is going to be very much CELEBRATED once I meet it. Another 4 weeks and I will feel like I am finally in a good place. I have been nervous every pregnancy, most especially with the twins....but I think this pregnancy tops the cake. Every day feels like years. I have a hard time really believing that I will really hold this baby one day....I am just on a constant state of caution after all we have been through. I have yet to buy much of anything for this baby, which is very unlike me also. I hate feeling that way. I love this baby boy so much. I want this baby boy so much. I love feeling him move and reassuring me he is still happy and healthy. But I am still just feeling very cautious. I just want the pregnancy to be said and done, so that I can finally have that moment where I hold my miracle baby boy for the first time, and I can finally cry out and unleash those 9 months of worry.
So other then all that, I have a wicked cold which includes a stuffy/runny nose (a very intesting combination that I am NOT loving) and just a generally icky, not well feeling. Pregnancy colds are always fun. I feel bad bc I was SOOOOO cranky today with the kids, but its hard when I am running at about 10% and they are running at 110% each.
I am also finding that I am having some anxiousness every now and then. *sigh* Back after Caden was born (my 1st son) I started having anxiety attacks. Horrible, horrible things. You feel like you are dying basically. Feels like you are suffocating...you just can't seem to get enough oxygen and like something is going wrong with your heart, bc its racing like crazy and its this sense of panic and doom. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. After I was diagnosed with that, I took medicine for a few months...and ended up being able to wean myself off the meds and I was fine. As long as I don't drink too much caffeine that is. Caffeine starts everything ALL OVER AGAIN! Well today, I ate a big dinner (when I should have only eaten half of it) and that in combination with my stuffed up nose and my baby that is already sitting up high and crowding me....well it started that "I'm not getting enough oxygen/panic feeling" and once it starts, its hard to talk yourself down/out of it. I checked my fingernails to reasure myself that I was FINE (fingernails would turn blue if I wasn't getting enough oxygen) and then I took some Tums and tried to find a position to sit where baby wasn't crowding me so much. It took like an hour to get that panicky feeling to go away. I hate dealing with it, especially when Doug isn't home. :( Another thing to mention to my doctors at my next appointment (with ultrasound) next Wednesday.
Only 6 more days to go til I get to see Ansen again. Hope he is continuing to grow well, and that my placenta is continuing to behave itself. *crossing fingers*
So other then all that, I have a wicked cold which includes a stuffy/runny nose (a very intesting combination that I am NOT loving) and just a generally icky, not well feeling. Pregnancy colds are always fun. I feel bad bc I was SOOOOO cranky today with the kids, but its hard when I am running at about 10% and they are running at 110% each.
I am also finding that I am having some anxiousness every now and then. *sigh* Back after Caden was born (my 1st son) I started having anxiety attacks. Horrible, horrible things. You feel like you are dying basically. Feels like you are suffocating...you just can't seem to get enough oxygen and like something is going wrong with your heart, bc its racing like crazy and its this sense of panic and doom. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. After I was diagnosed with that, I took medicine for a few months...and ended up being able to wean myself off the meds and I was fine. As long as I don't drink too much caffeine that is. Caffeine starts everything ALL OVER AGAIN! Well today, I ate a big dinner (when I should have only eaten half of it) and that in combination with my stuffed up nose and my baby that is already sitting up high and crowding me....well it started that "I'm not getting enough oxygen/panic feeling" and once it starts, its hard to talk yourself down/out of it. I checked my fingernails to reasure myself that I was FINE (fingernails would turn blue if I wasn't getting enough oxygen) and then I took some Tums and tried to find a position to sit where baby wasn't crowding me so much. It took like an hour to get that panicky feeling to go away. I hate dealing with it, especially when Doug isn't home. :( Another thing to mention to my doctors at my next appointment (with ultrasound) next Wednesday.
Only 6 more days to go til I get to see Ansen again. Hope he is continuing to grow well, and that my placenta is continuing to behave itself. *crossing fingers*
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bad dreams....
I keep having bad dreams this pregnancy, all about scary, c-section/delivery stuff. I believe with all my heart this baby was meant to be in our family, but I am really starting to get anxious about the delivery and risks after all these bad dreams. *sigh* I just want July to be here, and the c-section/recovery to be over and behind me. I just want to be holding my baby boy, and enjoying what a miracle he is, without all the stress of the looming delivery. I am 21 weeks today, and I am so excited to be getting so far, but then getting nervous as all heck as we get further and further into pregnancy and closer to the dreaded delivery. Its just a weird pregnancy, having to worry about all this stuff. *sigh*
It would have been easier for sure NEVER having to go through all this stress and anxiety.....thats a given. I am positive when I tell a lot of people about the pregnancy and the complete placenta previa/risks, I KNOW what they are thinking. They are thinking why the heck would she even think of taking any kind of risk, she already had 5 kids, whats her deal? I felt this baby on our heart since the twins were born, and I didn't enter a 100% chance of risk situation; there was still a good chance that baby would implant away from scars and all would be great. But God had other plans for this pregnancy. Ansen implanted down low, just like his brother Gavin. Gavin's implantation site gave me a LOT of headache, but if he hadn't found that place to make his home, he wouldn't be here today. I can't imagine my life without Gavin, and I am sure others feel the same way. And I hope to prove everyone that life wouldn't be the same without Ansen either...I want all those that think I am just purely an idiot now, to see the joy and gift that Ansen will be to our life and everyone's lives. I want to be able to say HA, see... following my heart and bringing this last little person to this world was most certainly worth the arudous journey.
But truthfully, I spend a lot of my time worried and scared. I am human, and although I am sure that God has big plans for Ansen, I just hope and pray that He also still has big plans for me after this delivery. I wish I could see His plans for July and after...mostly so that I could hopefully stop worrying and dreaming about the unknown. Yes, I am surely anxious for July to be here. I want to be reveling in my moment; my moment to celebrate having Ansen safely in my arms, my moment to celebrate having made it safely through a difficult delivery, and my moment to share the specialness of my Ansen with the whole world.
Only about 15-17 weeks til I can hopefully make that my reality. Now all I hope is that I don't have another 15-17 weeks of these bad dreams. They just crush my spirits and chip away at my hope. How about a good delivery dream?? Just one??
It would have been easier for sure NEVER having to go through all this stress and anxiety.....thats a given. I am positive when I tell a lot of people about the pregnancy and the complete placenta previa/risks, I KNOW what they are thinking. They are thinking why the heck would she even think of taking any kind of risk, she already had 5 kids, whats her deal? I felt this baby on our heart since the twins were born, and I didn't enter a 100% chance of risk situation; there was still a good chance that baby would implant away from scars and all would be great. But God had other plans for this pregnancy. Ansen implanted down low, just like his brother Gavin. Gavin's implantation site gave me a LOT of headache, but if he hadn't found that place to make his home, he wouldn't be here today. I can't imagine my life without Gavin, and I am sure others feel the same way. And I hope to prove everyone that life wouldn't be the same without Ansen either...I want all those that think I am just purely an idiot now, to see the joy and gift that Ansen will be to our life and everyone's lives. I want to be able to say HA, see... following my heart and bringing this last little person to this world was most certainly worth the arudous journey.
But truthfully, I spend a lot of my time worried and scared. I am human, and although I am sure that God has big plans for Ansen, I just hope and pray that He also still has big plans for me after this delivery. I wish I could see His plans for July and after...mostly so that I could hopefully stop worrying and dreaming about the unknown. Yes, I am surely anxious for July to be here. I want to be reveling in my moment; my moment to celebrate having Ansen safely in my arms, my moment to celebrate having made it safely through a difficult delivery, and my moment to share the specialness of my Ansen with the whole world.
Only about 15-17 weeks til I can hopefully make that my reality. Now all I hope is that I don't have another 15-17 weeks of these bad dreams. They just crush my spirits and chip away at my hope. How about a good delivery dream?? Just one??
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
FINALLY feeling done.
I always wondered if that "done" feeling was a myth. You see, basically everyone else in the world has 2 or maybe 3 children...and then magically felt "done". And I had 2 children, then 3 children...and felt FAR from done. Then I had 5 children...and still didn't feel done. Maybe I was broken?? Maybe I would never feel "done"?
Well, I can say with confidence that I 100%, no ifs ands or but, certainly feel "done" now. This pregnancy has been nothing short of stressful, and I am just feeling really run down by pregnancy. I am done with the pregnancy dreams and the hot flashes and the cravings and the achiness and the heartburn and the indigestion. But most importantly, I feel good about being a mom to 6 children. Its a nice even number, so I won't have someone always left out. And 6 kids just feels right. I wanted a big family and half a dozen kids IS my big family. 6 kids is enough that we can still provide for them what they need, we can still sleep them comfortably in our house, and we can still take them out and about without too huge of a production. Our house will never be quiet with 6 kids and we like it that way. Although, maybe just a little quiet would be nice from time to time. I am content. I feel blessed to have been given these 6 little lives to take care of, these 6 little lives to teach, these 6 little lives to love!! I can finally see myself tying my tubes and not having the deep regret I would have had a couple kids ago. I feel so happy to know what that "done" feeling actually FEELS like...the feeling that I didn't believe really existed for a while. Although I will certainly miss parts of this closing chapter in my life, I look forward to the new chapter our family is begining! :)
Well, I can say with confidence that I 100%, no ifs ands or but, certainly feel "done" now. This pregnancy has been nothing short of stressful, and I am just feeling really run down by pregnancy. I am done with the pregnancy dreams and the hot flashes and the cravings and the achiness and the heartburn and the indigestion. But most importantly, I feel good about being a mom to 6 children. Its a nice even number, so I won't have someone always left out. And 6 kids just feels right. I wanted a big family and half a dozen kids IS my big family. 6 kids is enough that we can still provide for them what they need, we can still sleep them comfortably in our house, and we can still take them out and about without too huge of a production. Our house will never be quiet with 6 kids and we like it that way. Although, maybe just a little quiet would be nice from time to time. I am content. I feel blessed to have been given these 6 little lives to take care of, these 6 little lives to teach, these 6 little lives to love!! I can finally see myself tying my tubes and not having the deep regret I would have had a couple kids ago. I feel so happy to know what that "done" feeling actually FEELS like...the feeling that I didn't believe really existed for a while. Although I will certainly miss parts of this closing chapter in my life, I look forward to the new chapter our family is begining! :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Yep, that is us....
Yep, that is us. The ones who started this whole journey. Of moving into my grandmother's house (that I had known as HER house for the last 29 years). And hoping to make it our own. And although it was much smaller on the inside, with much smaller bedrooms to boot, it had a great outdoors. And great potential to add on. And it was next door to my parents. And so we felt we could certainly deal with the smallness of the inside. And the UN-updated aspect of the house. Who doesn't love wood paneling and shag carpeting. And the blue nightmare of a bathroom. We could one day fix it all. We could deal. We would deal.
Yep, that is us. Who had to bargain with my uncles, who wanted MORE then the house was worth. It was us who caused a huge rift in the family bc we wanted fair market price for the house, and they started fighting with my father. How dare we ask for a "deal". Although, it was hardly a deal. Everyone seemed to forget about the state of INSIDE the house. The house straight from the 70's. Yep, we caused all that fighting...and ultimately caused our family to split. And uncles to never want to talk to my dad again.. And in the end, they agreed to sell us the house for our asked price, but we HAD to sell our house in 6 months. And if we didn't, my dad had to buy them out of their profit of the house. So they could be done with the whole thing. And be done with our family.
Yep, that is us. Who continued on with the plan, even though our hearts were sad. And we put tons of money into fixing up our house, to make it sellable. We redid the whole kitchen (for 4500 dollars thanks to a friend helping us). And we LOVED our new kitchen. We paid someone to paint the whole house for another 2000 dollars, which we should have done when we moved in quite a few years ago. But we didn't then. And we did now. All to sell it. And we loved it. But it was for the good of the other house.
Yep, that is us. The ones who showed our house for almost 6 long, nightmarish months. Who had to keep the house clean and looking perfect, the impossible task with 5 young children. And had to run out of the house with 5 kids, many times with only a few hours notice. All to try to sell the house. And we were miserable. And getting more depressed about it all. And begging and pleading with God to make the house sell so that we could just move on.
Yep, that is us. Who just gave up one day in July. That couldn't deal with showing the house anymore. Couldn't deal with the stress or the disappointment. And our 6 months was up. And my dad HAD to buy the house. And all our begging and pleading with God to sell this house was not heard. We had no choice. We couldn't leave my dad to pay for the new mortgage. We couldn't get our own mortgage, with having one already. We had to move. And so with heavy hearts, we packed up and just left. Left our home and moved into my grandmother's house. Which didn't feel so little when there were 2 people in it, but felt positively tiny with us 7 in it. Right from the start, we missed our other house. But we had signed that agreement. We had caused our family to fight and have hatred in their hearts. We had to make it right. Somehow. Maybe this would make everything right?
Yep, that is us. The ones that really liked the outside of our "new house". But just didn't feel at home. At all. No matter how hard we tried. Our home was at the other house. And this was my grandmother's house. And the inside was positively claustrophobic at times. But the house had potential to add on. And so much land. And being next door to my parents. We had to deal. We had to make it right.
Yep, that is us. Who tried putting out ads to rent our other house, so that we wouldn't just lose it. And we found no one. And we still begged and pleaded with God. Why was He making this so hard for us? Why did our house not sell? Why could our house not even be rented out? And why couldn't we make this house feel like OUR home?
Yep, that is us. Who just went on. And tried to forget about the other house. While trying to find a home in our new house. We tried moving rooms around to make more space. But the space was just not there. And we found out we were pregnant. And we had a heck of a time with that pregnancy. It felt like nothing was going our way. Why had things turned upside on us. And how much longer would it take to make our new house feel like home. And with winter approaching, our glorious outdoors was not being used. And in the TINIEST HOUSE EVER, we spent most of our days.
Yep, that is us. Who still thought about and missed our house terribly. But tried to forget about it. But failed. But still tried. And we had our first Christmas here. And it still felt like we were strangers. It still wasn't our home. And even the kids started asking if we could move back soon. But we had messed up everything. We were trying to make things right for the family. My dad was happy with us living there. We could deal. Hopefully?
Yep, that is us. Who found out we were having a 4th boy. We who were sure we were having a 3rd girl. With the world's tiniest bedrooms, 3 would be a tight fit. But 3 in the girl's room and 3 in the boy's room would work out. But it wouldn't be 3 and 3. It would be 4 boys in one tiny room. And 4 energetic boys running around the world's tiniest house. And as hard as I tried to stay optimistic, I SUNK fast. Into a depression and sadness I couldn't shake. I wanted my old life back. Why did we let ourselves get bullied into this agreement with my uncles, all for the convenience of them getting their money asap. All while dealing with the unconvenience of just leaving our house. And having to be fully dependent on my dad now for everything. And being stuck in a house that we had found to be way too tiny. We didn't know the house wouldn't fit us. Until we were there. With our 5 kids. And 5 kids worth of stuff. And one more to be added soon. And the potential to add on was nothing but a potential. First we had to fix up the things falling apart in the house first and foremost. The bathroom that was falling apart. My grandmother had bought the house in the 70's and had made few changes since. And we now had to deal with the disrepair. And how much extra money does a family with one working parent and to be 6 always growing, ALWAYS hungry children have? Not much. We have enough for the bills and necessitites and a little extra for the extras, emphasis on a "little extra". And then maybe many years from now, we would be able to find a bunch of extra money to add on?? Like when the kids stopped growing so much. And stopped eating so much. Maybe?? And as nice as it was, living next door to my parents, we didn't see them any more then we had living at our other house 5 minutes away. I had to find a way to deal. But I couldn't. And I took it out UNFAIRLY on Doug. But there was no one else to blame but ourselves.
Yep, that is us. Who had DARK days. And sad days. And felt hopeless. And saw no light at the end of the tunnel. We were stuck. We had to be stuck. We were making things right for everyone. Everyone but us.
Yep, that is us. Who finally decided to make things "right" for us. And a DARK cloud suddenly lifted. The cloud of the last year. And we now saw it as a huge blessing now that our other house didn't sell. God had seen the big picture. We had not. And we were afraid to tell my dad. But we had bigger financial reasons why this suddenly made more sense on our side as well. If we didn't figure out something, we would lose that house forever. And owe BIG MONEY bc of losing that house forever. And my dad would understand that more then understand why we couldn't cram 8 people into the world's tiniest house.
Yep, that is us. The ones who are moving...AGAIN. Back into our old house. Back to our wood floors. Back to our renovated kitchen. Back to our big bathroom, with our big bathtub. The bathroom NOT falling apart. Back to our HUGE bedrooms. The ginormous bedroom of ours, easily big enough for 4 boys. The other big bedroom, certainly a great size for our 2 girls. Yep, that is us. Moving back to our house with our porch. Back to our big living room and adjoining playroom. Back to OUR house. The house we first bought. The house we first loved. The house that felt like home as soon as we bought it!
Yep, that is us. The ones whose money will be tighter again once we move back. But our hearts will be happy. My heart is singing with joy, just thinking about living back at OUR house soon enough. We have all heard the saying: You don't realize what you have until its gone. Well its most certainly TRUE! Ever since the day we moved into this house, I just wanted to relive one more day back at our old house. So I could truly appreciate what we had had. And what we had given up. For 6 long months, I thought it was just a lost dream. Never thinking it could really happen. But now, we haven't given it up. We got lost along the way, trying to make others happy. But now we are back on track, focusing on the happiness of OUR family first. And with our happiness, we will be able to share happiness with others.
Yep, that is us. The ones who thought we knew it all. The ones who begged and pleaded with God to sell our house. And then asked God too many times why he was making our life so incredibly difficult. The ones that had questioned what we had done so wrong in life to deserve such hardship. But God knew it all. And he knew this was all temporary. And that our house would be our house again. And that ultimately, my sister would want to buy my grandmother's house for her family of 3. My sister who will NOT have 6 kids. My sister who wants 2 kids TOPS. My sister who has much more money then us, with the ability to fix things up. My sister who hates the house she currenly lives on-a house they bought from her husband's aunt going into foreclosure, a house they had to rush and buy, to "make things right" for everyone. But like us, everyone, but themselves. My sister who originally was going to buy my grandmother's house, until the whole aunt in foreclosure thing happened. Last year might not have made any sense, but its starting to make sense now. The world is making itself right once again. Yep, that is us. The ones that are so appreciative. Once again, we have learned Who is truly in control. It's not us! Thank you God for taking care of us, even when we suspected You might have abondoned us. Yep, that is us. The ones that have learned another life lesson. And the ones that are truly grateful. Thank you.
Yep, that is us. Who had to bargain with my uncles, who wanted MORE then the house was worth. It was us who caused a huge rift in the family bc we wanted fair market price for the house, and they started fighting with my father. How dare we ask for a "deal". Although, it was hardly a deal. Everyone seemed to forget about the state of INSIDE the house. The house straight from the 70's. Yep, we caused all that fighting...and ultimately caused our family to split. And uncles to never want to talk to my dad again.. And in the end, they agreed to sell us the house for our asked price, but we HAD to sell our house in 6 months. And if we didn't, my dad had to buy them out of their profit of the house. So they could be done with the whole thing. And be done with our family.
Yep, that is us. Who continued on with the plan, even though our hearts were sad. And we put tons of money into fixing up our house, to make it sellable. We redid the whole kitchen (for 4500 dollars thanks to a friend helping us). And we LOVED our new kitchen. We paid someone to paint the whole house for another 2000 dollars, which we should have done when we moved in quite a few years ago. But we didn't then. And we did now. All to sell it. And we loved it. But it was for the good of the other house.
Yep, that is us. The ones who showed our house for almost 6 long, nightmarish months. Who had to keep the house clean and looking perfect, the impossible task with 5 young children. And had to run out of the house with 5 kids, many times with only a few hours notice. All to try to sell the house. And we were miserable. And getting more depressed about it all. And begging and pleading with God to make the house sell so that we could just move on.
Yep, that is us. Who just gave up one day in July. That couldn't deal with showing the house anymore. Couldn't deal with the stress or the disappointment. And our 6 months was up. And my dad HAD to buy the house. And all our begging and pleading with God to sell this house was not heard. We had no choice. We couldn't leave my dad to pay for the new mortgage. We couldn't get our own mortgage, with having one already. We had to move. And so with heavy hearts, we packed up and just left. Left our home and moved into my grandmother's house. Which didn't feel so little when there were 2 people in it, but felt positively tiny with us 7 in it. Right from the start, we missed our other house. But we had signed that agreement. We had caused our family to fight and have hatred in their hearts. We had to make it right. Somehow. Maybe this would make everything right?
Yep, that is us. The ones that really liked the outside of our "new house". But just didn't feel at home. At all. No matter how hard we tried. Our home was at the other house. And this was my grandmother's house. And the inside was positively claustrophobic at times. But the house had potential to add on. And so much land. And being next door to my parents. We had to deal. We had to make it right.
Yep, that is us. Who tried putting out ads to rent our other house, so that we wouldn't just lose it. And we found no one. And we still begged and pleaded with God. Why was He making this so hard for us? Why did our house not sell? Why could our house not even be rented out? And why couldn't we make this house feel like OUR home?
Yep, that is us. Who just went on. And tried to forget about the other house. While trying to find a home in our new house. We tried moving rooms around to make more space. But the space was just not there. And we found out we were pregnant. And we had a heck of a time with that pregnancy. It felt like nothing was going our way. Why had things turned upside on us. And how much longer would it take to make our new house feel like home. And with winter approaching, our glorious outdoors was not being used. And in the TINIEST HOUSE EVER, we spent most of our days.
Yep, that is us. Who still thought about and missed our house terribly. But tried to forget about it. But failed. But still tried. And we had our first Christmas here. And it still felt like we were strangers. It still wasn't our home. And even the kids started asking if we could move back soon. But we had messed up everything. We were trying to make things right for the family. My dad was happy with us living there. We could deal. Hopefully?
Yep, that is us. Who found out we were having a 4th boy. We who were sure we were having a 3rd girl. With the world's tiniest bedrooms, 3 would be a tight fit. But 3 in the girl's room and 3 in the boy's room would work out. But it wouldn't be 3 and 3. It would be 4 boys in one tiny room. And 4 energetic boys running around the world's tiniest house. And as hard as I tried to stay optimistic, I SUNK fast. Into a depression and sadness I couldn't shake. I wanted my old life back. Why did we let ourselves get bullied into this agreement with my uncles, all for the convenience of them getting their money asap. All while dealing with the unconvenience of just leaving our house. And having to be fully dependent on my dad now for everything. And being stuck in a house that we had found to be way too tiny. We didn't know the house wouldn't fit us. Until we were there. With our 5 kids. And 5 kids worth of stuff. And one more to be added soon. And the potential to add on was nothing but a potential. First we had to fix up the things falling apart in the house first and foremost. The bathroom that was falling apart. My grandmother had bought the house in the 70's and had made few changes since. And we now had to deal with the disrepair. And how much extra money does a family with one working parent and to be 6 always growing, ALWAYS hungry children have? Not much. We have enough for the bills and necessitites and a little extra for the extras, emphasis on a "little extra". And then maybe many years from now, we would be able to find a bunch of extra money to add on?? Like when the kids stopped growing so much. And stopped eating so much. Maybe?? And as nice as it was, living next door to my parents, we didn't see them any more then we had living at our other house 5 minutes away. I had to find a way to deal. But I couldn't. And I took it out UNFAIRLY on Doug. But there was no one else to blame but ourselves.
Yep, that is us. Who had DARK days. And sad days. And felt hopeless. And saw no light at the end of the tunnel. We were stuck. We had to be stuck. We were making things right for everyone. Everyone but us.
Yep, that is us. Who finally decided to make things "right" for us. And a DARK cloud suddenly lifted. The cloud of the last year. And we now saw it as a huge blessing now that our other house didn't sell. God had seen the big picture. We had not. And we were afraid to tell my dad. But we had bigger financial reasons why this suddenly made more sense on our side as well. If we didn't figure out something, we would lose that house forever. And owe BIG MONEY bc of losing that house forever. And my dad would understand that more then understand why we couldn't cram 8 people into the world's tiniest house.
Yep, that is us. The ones who are moving...AGAIN. Back into our old house. Back to our wood floors. Back to our renovated kitchen. Back to our big bathroom, with our big bathtub. The bathroom NOT falling apart. Back to our HUGE bedrooms. The ginormous bedroom of ours, easily big enough for 4 boys. The other big bedroom, certainly a great size for our 2 girls. Yep, that is us. Moving back to our house with our porch. Back to our big living room and adjoining playroom. Back to OUR house. The house we first bought. The house we first loved. The house that felt like home as soon as we bought it!
Yep, that is us. The ones whose money will be tighter again once we move back. But our hearts will be happy. My heart is singing with joy, just thinking about living back at OUR house soon enough. We have all heard the saying: You don't realize what you have until its gone. Well its most certainly TRUE! Ever since the day we moved into this house, I just wanted to relive one more day back at our old house. So I could truly appreciate what we had had. And what we had given up. For 6 long months, I thought it was just a lost dream. Never thinking it could really happen. But now, we haven't given it up. We got lost along the way, trying to make others happy. But now we are back on track, focusing on the happiness of OUR family first. And with our happiness, we will be able to share happiness with others.
Yep, that is us. The ones who thought we knew it all. The ones who begged and pleaded with God to sell our house. And then asked God too many times why he was making our life so incredibly difficult. The ones that had questioned what we had done so wrong in life to deserve such hardship. But God knew it all. And he knew this was all temporary. And that our house would be our house again. And that ultimately, my sister would want to buy my grandmother's house for her family of 3. My sister who will NOT have 6 kids. My sister who wants 2 kids TOPS. My sister who has much more money then us, with the ability to fix things up. My sister who hates the house she currenly lives on-a house they bought from her husband's aunt going into foreclosure, a house they had to rush and buy, to "make things right" for everyone. But like us, everyone, but themselves. My sister who originally was going to buy my grandmother's house, until the whole aunt in foreclosure thing happened. Last year might not have made any sense, but its starting to make sense now. The world is making itself right once again. Yep, that is us. The ones that are so appreciative. Once again, we have learned Who is truly in control. It's not us! Thank you God for taking care of us, even when we suspected You might have abondoned us. Yep, that is us. The ones that have learned another life lesson. And the ones that are truly grateful. Thank you.
On my mind lately....
Well since I have finally accepted that our last is all boy and will definately stay that way, I have had many thoughts on my mind lately.
First and foremost, I HATE shopping for baby boy clothing. Its all so boring and blue. WHY can't they put half the effort into creating cute boy's clothes that they do into creating adorable girl's stuff??? Its just not right. I have gone shopping three times specifically for clothes for this baby (since our boy's clothing is for the wrong season-my 3 boys all having been born in November). And from those 3 trips, I have picked out just 2 outfits...yep, 2 outfits alltogether. Most of the time, I leave a store emptyhanded and just annoyed. Its very frustruating!
On the other hand, I have been thinking about how good it will be to have a last little boy in our family. With big sisters to dote on him, and brothers close in age to play with him. It all will make sense with bedrooms once we move back (whole 'nother post). My boys have all been very sweet and affectionate (albeit a bit crazy at times as well) and it will be nice to have another snuggler (my girls were really not so much into the snuggling-were very independent from an early age!) My boys were all excellent breastfeeders also-they get that gene from my husband I guess. ;) And can I just bring up the matching opportunties that I can pull off with 4 boys in a row. That is, of course, if I can find some NON BLUE, NON BORING boy's clothing!
My girls were as upset as I was about not having a girl. So I explained to them that we are only human and can't see the big picture like God does. God sees the WHOLE picture, while we only see a glimpse of what life/this world is about. Although, being human, we sometimes think that we know it all and that we can see it all. As perfect as my dream fantasy of having a girl was in my head (and my girls' heads), God KNOWS that this boy will be the perfect completion to our family. He has big plans for this little life, as he does all our lives. I have trusted God this far getting me to this point and I feel content that although the boy's clothing might be TOO boring to bear, that this little man of mine will fill a void in my heart and bring a fulfilling completion to our family. We are VERY grateful for your little life, baby Ansen, and we can't wait to meet you!!!
First and foremost, I HATE shopping for baby boy clothing. Its all so boring and blue. WHY can't they put half the effort into creating cute boy's clothes that they do into creating adorable girl's stuff??? Its just not right. I have gone shopping three times specifically for clothes for this baby (since our boy's clothing is for the wrong season-my 3 boys all having been born in November). And from those 3 trips, I have picked out just 2 outfits...yep, 2 outfits alltogether. Most of the time, I leave a store emptyhanded and just annoyed. Its very frustruating!
On the other hand, I have been thinking about how good it will be to have a last little boy in our family. With big sisters to dote on him, and brothers close in age to play with him. It all will make sense with bedrooms once we move back (whole 'nother post). My boys have all been very sweet and affectionate (albeit a bit crazy at times as well) and it will be nice to have another snuggler (my girls were really not so much into the snuggling-were very independent from an early age!) My boys were all excellent breastfeeders also-they get that gene from my husband I guess. ;) And can I just bring up the matching opportunties that I can pull off with 4 boys in a row. That is, of course, if I can find some NON BLUE, NON BORING boy's clothing!
My girls were as upset as I was about not having a girl. So I explained to them that we are only human and can't see the big picture like God does. God sees the WHOLE picture, while we only see a glimpse of what life/this world is about. Although, being human, we sometimes think that we know it all and that we can see it all. As perfect as my dream fantasy of having a girl was in my head (and my girls' heads), God KNOWS that this boy will be the perfect completion to our family. He has big plans for this little life, as he does all our lives. I have trusted God this far getting me to this point and I feel content that although the boy's clothing might be TOO boring to bear, that this little man of mine will fill a void in my heart and bring a fulfilling completion to our family. We are VERY grateful for your little life, baby Ansen, and we can't wait to meet you!!!
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