my heart is breaking...

Kylie has been watching this movie called Mary that my mother in law brought.  Its the story of Mary and  Jesus.  There is a LOT of death involved, which I wish I had previewed BEFORE she had watched it and maybe saved the movie for a later.  Joseph ultimately dies, John the Baptist, Jesus, etc.  For some reason, the part when Joseph dies has started really freaking Kylie out, and yesterday she just started bawling out of the blue and said "I don't want you to die  Mommy".  Of course, this started my anxiety up, bc I have yet to tell her ANYTHING that is going on at all.  I asked her why she would even be thinking that, and she mentioned that she doesn't want to get older, she doesn't want me to get older, and she doesn't me to die like Joseph.  She just kept crying and I just held her and hugged her and told her that I was there with her now and to try not to worry about the future.

But I AM worrying about the future.  Google placenta percreta...one of the leading causes of maternal morbidity and mortality.   I keep reading the same horrible placenta acreta/increta/percreta article that mentions that too many moms will end up "laying on the cold slab of a morgue".  I don't mean to keep clicking on it, I start looks things up and this article always pops up first and I must have a short term memory, bc I always forget that this particular article is one VERY biased and against c-sections in general and certainly not reassuring in the least.  *sigh*

I am just getting anxious again.  I am scared.  My biggest risk for this delivery is hemmorhage, and I am glad that my doctors have made plans on how to control bleeding (balloons in my uterine arteries that they can blow up to help slow down bleeding)....but I am still scared of the unknown.  I just want this whole thing over so that I can return to my normal life.  I don't want something bad to happen and me to ruin Kylie's life.  I go back and forth between loving this baby and wanting to protect him, to wanting to be OUT of this situation, just bc I love my other kids and Doug so much as well, and the last thing I want to do is leave them and ruin their lives.  I want off this terrifying ride!

This whole situation just majorly SUCKS.  I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.  I am trying to stay optimistic and I want my happy ending, the one where no matter how much bladder I could lose, that I am alive to be wife to Doug and mother to my 6 beautiful children that I love more then anything.  And then I have Kylie begging me yesterday and now today not to die ever...asking me
"when will you die..not til you are 100, right?".  And I  get scared and I suddenly don't know what to answer, bc my heart is breaking in two pieces...but I simply respond "lets enjoy our today together and not worry abou tomorrow yet please".  Thats all I know how to respond for now.  :(

tiny little updates and another picture

Had my 3 hour GTT again...and passed it again!!!  YEAH!!  I was worried bc I was much more nauseous this time after the drink, but I still passed.  If I HAD had gestational diabetes, it would have made things much trickier when it came to delivering Ansen early, just bc GD effects/slows organ development and they are planning on deliveirng Ansen no later then 36 weeks.  One less thing to worry about.  Phewwww.

Had another ultrasound today, just to check on Ansen and he continues to do well, despite everything going on.  He was sleeping with his face smooshed up against my placenta...his soft, cozy pillow I guess.  I got a great profile pic and I have been analyzing who he looks like.  I still have no idea though.  My placenta is such a mess in there, its along the whole bottom of my uterus and it just looks terribly abonormal...it looks liked its piled up on itself (not spread out like a normal placenta) and I am very surprised that it is working as well as it is.  I had a new tech and she took one look and was like "augh, thats not moving...have you been checked for acreta?"  Anyways, I have another appointment with doctor and and another ultrasound in 5 days...I am glad I am being watched so closely, just bc I feel like a ticking time bomb.  Yesterday and today have been pretty  normal though, no funky issues going on with me...and it gives me hope that *maybe* I can make it to 36 weeks....maybe???

Anyways, here is my newest profile pic of Ansen, taken today at 28 weeks, 5 days.  I am SOOOOOOO excited to be days away from 29 weeks...getting closer and closer to 30 weeks each and every day.  Thank you God!

 

read 2 successful acreta and percreta birth stories today...

and feeling quite a bit more reassured.  Neither story was easy at all, but both mamas are ALIVE, on the mend, and have two healthy babies to show for their stories.  And it just reassures me that hopefully, I too, can be a success story.  That our story can be a success story.  Going through something like this really puts life in perspective. Life is so short and so precious.  All lives.  My life.  Ansen's life.  Everyone's life. 

I was reading an article in a homeschooling magazine I got the other day.  Do you ever feel like things fall in your lap for a reason?  When I had bleeding at the beginning of pregnancy and I was told to terminate/that I was miscarrying, the sermon for the week was about not trusting the "experts" in life as much as you were to put all your trust in the one and only true expert of life, God.  It gave me hope when I felt little.  Throughout this pregnancy, little inspirational messages have found their way to me in one way or another, and usually JUST at the time that I needed them most.   The homeschooling magazine was a freebie to try out, that I signed up for MONTHS ago.  I had totallly forgotten about it, it was so long ago.  And then it showed up, and I finally got around to picking it up and looking through it.  And one of the first pages I read was titled "Easy Streets and Long Roads".  It was about characters in the Bible that were pushed to extreme journeys of faith, and how their path was certainly not easy, but was rewarding at the end.  One excerpt that really spoke to me (and I quote, from Home Educating Family, 2010 issue 1).

"It was in the toughest acts of faith that these men and women came closest to God and found life's deepest meaning.  It was not the provision of comfort of happiness that led them to a deeper knowledge of God-it was often the lack of it.  Is it possible that a life where everything stays calm and unchallenged isn't what we really need?  Does peace mean as much if we never experience calamity?  Do our hearts ring with gratitude if we are never in want?  Does happiness bring as bright a smile if we never taste sadness?

This last 7 months, my life has been turned upside down.  Every day, I am reminded of my own mortality in everything I do, in everything I say.  It effects every minute of my day.  I question whether I chose the "right" path for me, although I am sure I chose the right path for Ansen.  What can I say...I am scared and I have NEVER had to deal with anything like this in my whole life.  Its scary throwing myself at the mercy of my doctors and most importantly God, and hoping that there is a happy ending to this story.  But I can tell you that I am fully appreciating/savoring EVERY precious moment that I get to spend with Doug and my kids, with my family and friends, crafting and enjoying those simple little pleasures of life that I was too busy for many times before.  I spent so many years too busy with my life, and now I am seeing the beauty of the simplest of moments.  Every minute of our lives is a gift. 

just have this feeling...

that I will be back in the hospital sooner rather then later.  And if I do back in, I won't fight to get out again.  I have been reading up on an acreta/increta/percreta board, and a lot of these women had major hemmorhaging all the sudden, necesitating immediate delivery.  Delivery averages for this kind of conditions are about 32 weeks btw.  Their doctors had put them in the hospital as a precaution beforehand, so they were right there when everything went awry. They are all telling me I really should be in the hospital, just in case.   Now I am kinda feeling stupid for begging so hard to get out of the hospital.  *sigh*  Thats not the only thing concerning me though.

I won't get into the nasty specifics, but the dr said as long as I don't have anything red coming out of me, I am good for now.  Well I am having more and more stuff daily making its way out and although it may not be red, its VERY concerning to me by the sheer amount of it and of course, me wondering what it is??  They said it would be some old blood, well this seems like more then just a little bit of old blood.  I have NEVER had anything that looked like this before in my life.  None of this is making me feel any good about what is going on with my placenta and uterus.  I have called up once about it and they said as long as its brown, its fine.  I am thinking if I have another large amount of it today, I will call them again though. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

With Doug being gone for 16 hours on his short day today (and 30 on his two long days) and with me being alone with the kids most of the time (family is coming at meals to make them/help with that), I am actually now terrified of a bleed coming on suddenly, especially at night....what would I do??  Obvioiusly, I would call my parents/mother in law, and hope they get here speedy enough. It makes me sick thinking about it.  I have all those little people dependent on me, and I am trying to do my best to keep up with them, while on bedrest (which is just about the impossible task)....and I have no control over any of this.  It just feels like a recipe for disaster at times.

I have been hoping and praying that if God needs me in the hospital now or anytime soon, He will show me in a way that is a non major emergency kind of way. Tomorrow I am going to give maternal/fetal office a call and see when my next appointment is...I have an ultrasound on Wednesday, but have yet to hear about my next appointment.  Maybe I can get seen though, so I can specifically address all this stuff (that has of course showed up after my latest appointment). 

thanks for the reminder-yes I know this is ALL my fault....

Doug is gone all of today and half of tomorrow....and I have been bored to tears here.  My sister stopped by, and I complained about our boredom and how much this all sucks, and she responded...."its your fault, they told you this would happen."  I reminded her that yes, when they told me to terminate my baby, they told me this COULD  happen.  Did I actually think that everything that could possibly go wrong would, leading me to this path of the journey??   I was fearful, but I didn't think it actually would all happen to me.  I know a lot of people are thinking the same thing as my sister.  I could have made one simple, different choice and be facing NONE of this.  Life would be simple again, I wouldn't have these dangers looming over my head, and my 5 other children wouldn't be jumping off the walls, bored to tears with me. 

I know my sister could care less about Ansen at this moment.  And its not that she doesn't love me, but she was on team terminate from the beginning.  She didn't understand why I didn't, especially with baby located in such a precarious spot and putting any chance of my life on the line to bring this baby into the world.  And I don't think its something I can ever explain to her or convince her of.  The second I saw that little tiny dot on the ultrasound screen with a heartbeat, I felt I had to fight for him.  If I had terminated, life would appear easier for me, but I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of not trying to give him the life he was fighting for.  28 weeks into this, I am certainly terrified at times, but I have peace in my heart that I have done the right thing, as hard as it is each and every day to face.  It IS all my fault...the whole thing, and I hope I don't ultimately have to pay the worst price for it, but I don't think Ansen's life is a mistake...not at all.  He wouldn't be here if he wasn't meant to be here.  When I was trying to conceive Kylie for many, many months (over 1.5 years)....I couldn't understand WHY it wasn't happening.  But it wasn't her time yet.  And when the right time came, she came.  And when it was their right time, Elise, Caden, Gavin and Rylan came.  And now Ansen has come....for us humans, it may seem like the wrong situation, the wrong time.  But God hasn't failed me yet when it has come to my life or the arrival of my kids.  So for now, I will full take and shoulder the blame for this "mess"...and I will hopefully cry tears of joy one day when this "mess" is safely in my arms. 

27.5 week dr appointment

All in all, I left feeling reassured that if I have to have the worst case scenario going for me, its good to know that I have a team of great doctors collaborating my care.  My MRI did not definitively show percreta, but my ultrasound was VERY indicative of percreta so they will move on as if this is definately percreta (placenta invading my bladder).  I have already met one of the specialists that will be there for sure and has dealt with percretas before.  If it is percreta, I will lose part of my bladder (they will NOT try to separate placenta from bladder-huge chance of hemmorhaging doing so) and will need a catheter for weeks, while my repaired bladder heals.  Before the surgery (like hours before), they are considering sending me for a uterine artery procedure, where they will thread balloons into the main arteries of my uterus (going in through my groin).  That way, if I start having some major hemmorhaging in surgery, they can blow up those balloons and cut off much off the blood supply to my uterus.  Its all kind of really scary stuff to hear, BUT its reassuring to hear how they are all thinking and talking and planning about how to deal with the worst case aspects of this scenario.  I just can't wait til this whole nightmare is over!

At my ultrasound, Ansen was practice breathing....which was very reassuring to see.  He LOVES to have his feet up near his head....its the position he is in every time we see him on ultrasound.  He was measuring 65% percentile at ~2 lbs, 9 oz....which is excellent, especially considering part of my placenta is over cervix and scars, which are areas of very poor/no blood supply.  Its amazing that everything can be going so wrong with my placenta/uterus, yet Ansen is growing so perfectly...so right.  I can't lose my hope when I am reminded of little miracles like this every day. 

They said they would LIKE to get to 36 weeks for my c-section, but of course, that depends on what transpires these next bunch of weeks.  Right now, I am celebrating one day at a time.  I can't imagine making it to beginning of June at this time, but anything is possible, right??  I am thrilled to be nearing 28 weeks for now...each extra day is a gift to Ansen, and another day for my doctors to make plans for me.

As for bedrest and Doug going back to work, quite frankly...it sucks.  I am bored, the kids are bored....they are jumping off the wall, running around like crazies most of the day.  And I feel bad, bc they are used to our schedule of get up and go all the time, as am I.  Doug is gone for about 30-32 hours at a time, twice a week and then another 14 hour day.  It makes me nervous being by myself, especially if something was to happen, but I have to give it a try at least.  Especially if we end up with 8 more weeks of this.  I have my mother in law and my dad checking in on me on the days that Doug is gone....but its just much more reassuring to have my other half here.  We have had quite a few meals dropped off, which I am VERY appreciative of, and some friends gave us gift cards to the supermarket, which will be SOOOO helpful as well.  We are so thankful of all the great, supportive friends and family in our life.

I am not going to lie though...it was much easier to do bedrest when I came back from hospital and Doug was still home for those 5 days after.  Right now though, we just need Doug to work, so that we can save our money up in case I do end back in the hospital.  If I am back in the hospital, Doug won't be able to work.  No one can stay here 5 nights a week to watch kids with Doug's crazy schedule.  This is the time when I wish he could have a normal, go to work in the morning, come back in the evening kind of job.  But he doesn't. 

And so, I am sitting here, with the kids running around like crazy around me.  We had cheese and crackers for breakfast.  Will throw in a meal from freezer for dinner.  My house is getting more trashed by the second.  But I am home, with 5 of the most amazing little people ever (even if they are 5 of the CRAZIEST, most amazing little ever).  And Ansen is still growing within me, which is a blessing.  And my mother in law is in her way to keep me company right now.  Bedrest with 5 little kids and a husband that works 75 hours a week may be trickier to figure out, but its not impossible.   May not be the easiest...but very little of this journey HAS been easy. 

When I was in the hospital, my pastor stopped by to visit and brought me a little book that was called Looking up...While Lying Down.  There is one poem in there that I have really enjoy reading again and again. 

What God Has Promised

God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways, all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer, light on the way;
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

We'll never forget our 30th birthday...

Doug and I share a birthday, same day, same year, same hospital.  Yesterday was the day that we turned 30.  I was adament that I wanted to be home from hospital on my 30th birthday...and I was.  But what. a. doozy.  First, I was bored out of my mind on bedrest, and then Elise started saying her tummy hurt.  And she started throwing up over and over and over again.  Then an hour later, Gavin is throwing up repeatedly.  An hour later, Caden is throwing up repeatedly.  And then all the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I threw up and threw up...and then threw up even more.  The first 6 to 8 times, I was still doing okay, but then I started to feel REALLY bad.  Shaky, cold sweats, like I was going to pass out.  And some spotting started.  For 12 hours, I threw up.  I was feeling myself getting dehydrated, but I would drink and drink after I threw up, never pee, and 45 minutes-1 hour later, throw it ALL back up.  I have NEVER had a stomach bug that severe in my whole life.  I called my maternal/fetal doctor twice during the night and the 2nd time they told me to come in for fluids.  Of course, that moment that I needed to go to hospital and I couldn't drive myself, then it decided to hit Doug fast and hard, followed by Kylie.  My mom called out of work and brought me in at 6 am this morning.  I was so weak and naseous.  I had so many ketones in my urine that I ended up getting 3 full bags of fluid and some zophran/m???  I am now home....again....with lots of brown spotting (all that throwing up didn't help matters at all) but since its not red, I don't have to be back at hospital just yet.  I still feel like I was hit by a truck.  All of us are lying around, lethargic and weak.  Good times.  Nope, won't be forgetting that magical 30th birthday of ours.  How could we?

I am getting very bummed about how poorly things have gone in this last week.  And now I am just sitting around, bored out of my mind AND now feeling weak and nauseated, feeling like a ticking timebomb, that could bleed again at any time.  Its only a matter of time before I am sent back to the hospital for the rest of the pregnancy.  Why did we have to get hit with a severe stomach bug, not even 24 hours after I got home???  Why is everything going wrong??  Doug goes back to work on Sunday...to work as long as he can until I end up back in hospital.  If/when that time comes, he will have to use FMLA.  We have no other options-Doug's schedule is insane, having him out of the house 5 nights a week.  Who is going to practically live with our kids full time for weeks??  So that is what we have decided and I have some peace that the kids won't have their lives totally ruined if I had to be hospitalized.   I keep hoping there is a light at the end of this L O N G, difficult to travel, tunnel.  I am still hoping for our happy ending.  Its just VERY hard at times to remain optimistic when it feels like we are continually being beat down by life this last bunch of months... and our birthday was just the icing on the "cake" for the time being (although who am I kidding-there was no cake yesterday...we were WAY too sick for cake).  *sigh*