placenta percreta and premature baby....

I am bleeding now, and am in the hospital on strict bedrest.   I have also been diagnosed with placenta increta/most likely percreta as well.  And Ansen is just 26 weeks today.  Trying to keep the bleeding to a minimum so that we can give Ansen a few more hours...a few more days...whatever we can.  I am terrified.  Will post more later when I have more time.

*sigh of relief*

2 days away from 26 weeks.  Viability.  This last 6 months, I have been holding my breath, wondering if there would a baby at the end of this journey.  As we reach this important milestone, it starts now to seem much more likely that all this craziness might actually be worth it.  Honestly, its hard to believe how far we have come...and although the road ahead is still at times quite scary, the fact that there might actually be a live baby at the end of this really starts to give me hope. Every week after now will be a huge blessing to Ansen and to me.  Each week will be a week to celebrate.  And to let Ansen grow bigger and stronger.  Thank you God for helping us get this far...and hopefully a bit farther yet. 

Ultrasound/appointment on Monday.  I am hoping that my ultrasound shows little/no change OR by some miracle, placenta/uterus border might show up better then it did last ultrasound, which would be a better diagnosis.  *Crossing my fingers* and hoping really hard. 

Enjoying my lack of internet at home, just bc I am getting SOOOOOOO much done.  Its nice not to have the temptation there.....as much as I miss having 24/7 internet of course.  Will be back to update after my appointment on Monday!   

Moving day today!

Since I am pretty much useless with my placenta previa/acreta, I am soley responsible for keeping the kids out of both houses today for the big move.  Going to spend the day out and about, probably a good part of it at the park.  Just hoping that this move can go smoother then its gone so far.  All the extra expenses of the move are adding up and we do NOT need any more surprises (like our electrical/plumbing/toilet/microwave/dishwasher/freezer surprises).  *sigh* 

Not sure when we will have cable or internet at other house, and I am actually debating GETTING internet again.  I spend too much time on the internet.  Since I have a laptop that can go anywhere there is free wi-fi, I am considering doing my internet twice a week out and about instead.  I just don't get much on my todolist accomplished since I got this laptop for Christmas.  Yep, I am an addict.  I am doing nothing productive with my internet time...just a lot of time wastage going on here.  And I never feel good about it at the end of the night, when another day has gone by with little to nada accomplished.  So thinking of giving it a month, and seeing if twice a week internet excursions will give me enough of an internet fix. 

Will definately update when I have my next appointment, March 29th.  Hoping its not a terrible ultrasound...would love if my placenta looks the same/if not better at this ultrasound.  *crossing fingers*  Lots of questions to ask dr too.  Lots of stuff happening, so much to do, and kids to get OUT of the house right now!  Adios!

always on my mind....

One of my best friends had an abortion in May.  I am 110% against ending a life and I begged and pleaded her not to, and I cried more then I have ever cried (well before this pregnancy anyways).  And in the end, she did it anyways.  I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again.   It went against EVERYTHING I believe life to be about.  I have always followed the mantra that life happens for a reason, and every child is a gift to us.  I just couldn't understand how she could call her own baby, her third child, nothing but the "potential of a baby".  We still talk all the time, we get our kids together all the time, but my heart still hurts all the time about it.  I NEVER bring it up bc honestly, I don't want to hear her  justification for it.  And I wonder all the time things like: "did she ever regret it?"  "how did she feel once the babies due date came and went?"  "has she asked for forgiveness...does she even feel like she needs forgiveness for this abortion?" 

The day she had the abortion was one of the worst days of my life.  I knew abortions happened in this world, but I knew well enough to stay away from anyone who would go through such a thing; I surrounded myself by like minded people and I never saw something like this colliding with my life.  And when I knew it was over, I saw that baby's whole lifepath (everyone they would bring joy to, everyone they would touch in life, the love and the laughs, his/her interaction with 2 other siblings, future family from this little one, etc) all the sudden erased.  And that was that.  It was like being punched in the stomach, the reality of the whole thing.

I keep wondering WHY I am still so deeply affected by this.  Last night, I was watching the Silent Scream on youtube.....I won't get into it, but its about this topic.  Why do I have to torture myself reading stuff about it/watching stuff about it.....it was her decision, why does it still hurt me so much??  When I had bleeding that started at 5.5 weeks and then I was told I needed to terminate this pregnancy at 6 weeks pregnant (the same time my friend terminated her baby's life), I felt like I was being punished by God for not trying hard enough to save her baby's life.  I was willing to do ANYTHING to give my baby a chance at life, and I fought.  And he fought just as hard.  Now, here I am, 24.5 weeks pregnant...with a frightening delivery to "look forward to".  And I am so grateful that I am feeling my little man moving all around right now as I type.  My little miracle boy.   But WHY am I still having problems processing/understanding my friend's choice....all these months later?  Why can't I just forgive and forget. 

I just don't get this world. "It's not a baby."  "It's a choice."  "It's just a ball of cells."  My ball of cells was not supposed to be here...first I was supposed to end my ball of cells, then I was losing my ball of cells due to a subchorionic hemmorhage, yet here my ball of cells sits within me, kicking me.  To her, it was nothing but ending a potential at life for a convenience factor.  To me, ending my ball of cells would have been like ending the life of one of my other children, already here on this Earth.   She had difficult life situations (going to nursing school with an unsupportive husband), but so did I (being told that I was at great risk for acreta bc of where baby implanted and wanting to be there for my 5 other children).  And here I wait now, kinda terrified at times, hoping and praying that my life will be safe bringing this little life into the world...whereas her life hasn't changed much seemingly from pre-abortion to post-abortion. 

So yes, I am having a hard time processing.  I don't want her life to be hard or unhappy and I think it majorly sucks that she felt so backed in a corner that the only way out of a hard situation was ending the life of one of her children (bc she really loves her other two and was initially excited about having a third and last child), but I also don't want my life to be this hard or unhappy for valuing the life of an unborn child as much as I do.  I am in this weird place, facing my own potentially hard and scary ending (which I ultimately hope is still happy), while processing that this goes on ALL THE TIME in this world, with seemingly "life goes on/its one big happy ending"....and that it doesn't even make half the population even blink an eye.  I just wish I could find a way to "turn my feelings off" from the whole abortion thing.   I used to be able to turn a blind eye to the topic.  And now its a part of my life, in this weird little way.  And I hate it.  *sigh*

fighting illness here...

being sick really reminds us how much we appreciate our health.  All of us have this horrid cough and mine turned into bronchitis.  Burning lungs, wheezy, getting nowhere cough...I really thought I would have my water prematurely break or I might start my placenta previa/acreta bleeding with all the hard coughing I did the last 5 days.  I am STILL coughing, but my body is finally winning this battle...and my cough is finally mostly productive. 

Now to add the fun, Rylan now has it...last but not least.  His asthma has already started flaring up since he showed signs of getting this cough last night.  We have started the abuterol treatments every 4 hours and I am just waiting and hoping he doesn't get too bad too quickly.  Its been months since he has had a bad asthma flareup, but considering how badly I got this, I will be surprised if he doesn't get it as bad, if not worse.  I can't even bring him to the doctors yet, just bc he is not that bad yet.  Last time I brought him in as a precaution (when he was just needing abuterol every 4 hours like now), they did nothing but send me home and tell me to watch him...and I ended up in the ER that night.  For some reason, he always gets really bad when night hits.  And since Doug is gone til tomorrow, makes me NOT look forward to the night at all.  *sigh*

Hopefully we will be back to enjoying our health REALLY soon.  Its supposed to be gorgeous out today, and I am not even sure if we should go out.  I always like to stay near our nebulizer when Rylan's asthma rears its ugly head.  Guess we will, like always, just have to wait and see.  My favorite past time....

Feels like we are running up a big hill....

This week has been crazy.  We were supposed to do a big move tomorrow, but thanks to  a wake, a pretty much all day funeral, and some crazy colds, we are getting a lot of nothing accomplished here.  *Maybe* Saturday??  *Maybe* Monday?  I don't know.  Doug took Sunday off or work, so he is off the next 4 days.  I want to be moved in asap so that we can FINALLY try to relax/chill out one of these weeks/months before the crazy delivery.  I feel so bad for my husband, bc he is doing so much with this move, and I truly appreciate it.  I just feel a whole lot of useless lately.  I try to pack a few boxes every day, I have thrown out a bunch of trash bags filled with way too much of our junk, but besides that, I do nothing.  Poor Doug has to do the brunt of the move, and he does it mostly with a smile.  He certainly rocks.  

I am trying not to think about the delivery for now.  Just makes things easier not to worry.  I have a B.A. in worrying though, its hard not to do what I do best.  But worrying doesn't make things any easier.  I just want to enjoy every minute of today, and *try my hardest* not to worry about tomorrow. 

I am 24 weeks tomorrow.  Ansen is getting more and more viable as each days passes.  I am so grateful that I have been able to get him this far, and I am hoping for quite a few more weeks/months.  I was just enjoying feeling him kicking and rolling around in there, in response to his dinner.  He always moves around the most at night-especially from like 9-11 pm....its so nice to be able to enjoy my quiet night moments with him moving all over the place.  I will miss the specialness of feeling that little life within me when its all over.  I am still amazed that I have been able to do this so many times.  Even though this is my 5th pregnancy, it doesn't lose its magic.  In fact, it seems *that* much more magical, bc I get to see how 9 months results in these amazing little people, who just continue to grow more and learn more each and every day. 

Bitterness

Today is my grandfather's wake.  I should be sad that he is gone.  But instead, all I feel is resentment and bitterness over his passing.  I don't mourn him at all...maybe when I was younger, I mourned that I didn't have that other set of caring grandparents like other families did.  But then I accepted it and moved on.  I am forced to go to this wake and say "goodbye" to a stranger-I had to go in with my sister and brother to get flowers for our grandfather, due to my father's insistence that its the right thing to do.  You know what the right thing to do is?? Not picking and choosing your favorite children to father/grandfather. 

Ever since my mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a  young adult, her family has done nothing but try to casually brush her and us under the rug.  My whole 29 years of life, when we HAVE been invited to things, we have always been made to feel like the oddballs.  And we are part of a well-known family in town-yet very few outsiders actually know that we are flesh and blood.  This is the dynasty my grandfather helped create.  He had 5 children, and lived for his high achieving children...and there was my mom.  My poor mom.  I cry about thinking how alone she must have felt in her family.  And then she met my dad, who could still see her worth, through good and bad points of schizophrenia.  And our family was created.  We saw our family once a year at Christmas.  And only bc my mom would have bags of presents for her family, and we would stop over, to find some huge Christmas party going on...and everyone looking sheepish as we walked in.  And eventually my mom stopped buying presents.  And we only saw "family" at weddings and funerals.  That was it.  Even the Christmas cards stopped coming.  Yep, thats my mom's side of the family.  A few years ago, another one of my high achieving aunts suddenly lost everything, as she lost the battle against mental illness as well.  And can anyone guess what happened to her in the family??  She was outed sharply and swiftly from the family and their events, and suddenly, we were her only family left on that side.  The only ones who invited her to things, bc we KNEW her pain. 

My mom has schizophrenia.  But she is not SOLEY a schizophrenic.  She is a caring, loving, always concerned mom who loved us all deeply, no matter what mental hell she was going through at the time.  She loves and cares for my dad.  She loves and cares for all her granchildren as well.  She absolutely adores  new baby (ies) and is a proclaimed "baby hog".  We share many traits.  We both love blue cheese, we both spend too much time worrying,  and we both love crafts (although she is WAY craftier then me; she can draw, paint crochet, knit, cross stitch, embroider....she can do it ALL-I certainly didn't get all her talents, but I do get her love to craft).  They outed her so long ago for being imperfect, but guess what!  No one is perfect!  And my mom has a good heart...and anyone who would give her a chance would know that and appreciate it.

To my "family" on that side.  You know what pain and heartache is?? Hearing that your mom finally sucks up the courage to go say goodbye to a father she hasn't seen in years, one that deserted her long ago for being imperfect....and then she gets to the ICU to find out he has died several hours before.  Thanks for the call.  THAT'S heartbreaking.

At my grandmother's funeral 10 years ago (she tried a little bit harder to include my mom and us before she succumbed to a long battle with alzheimers), it was as if my mom was invisible.  Very few people offered my mom any kind of condolences...she was pushed to the side as the more revered family sat in the front.  I am really dreading seeing that again.    Although my dad swears it won't...that he is going to make sure that my mom is sitting right up there with them.   What does that matter though?  Its not like that is going to make up for all the years that my mom has been the black sheep of the family.  My cousins are all posting how much they are going to miss our grandfather...how its such a sad time for them.  Should I post on my facebook-  "Sorry grandpa that I missed you our whole lives-I'm sorry I was born into the wrong part of the family tree and I'm sorry that maybe now you can fully see the hurt you caused to so many of us."  Yes I know, that would be un-Christianlike.  Jesus was able to forgive those that ended his life.  So how do I get rid of this bitterness?

For the good things that my grandfather DID cause to happen.  Our treatment through the years helped us all appreciate my mom for who she is and not what her diagnosis was, bc we ALL felt the pain of being rejected and we had that empathy that some our family did not have.  It also helped us appreciate my dad, who was my mom's knight in shining armor out of a life of rejection and sadness.  My dad is crass at times and judgemental and quick to give his opinion at the worst of times, but he also cares and has a heart; and he saw the inward and outward beauty of my mom.  He has stuck it out through thick and thin (and we had some crazy years when my mom's schizophrenia was really bad).  This whole experience of having a "family" like this has done nothing but force us all closer together.  Many times, we will all meet out to eat or out to the mall or have a bbq together, just because and our times together, with my mom and dad and my sister and my brother and our growing familes, are precious.  I have five kids, just like my grandfather did but I have learned and I vow to NEVER exhault one above all others for greatness, nor reject one of my children for their shortcomings.  I don't want any of my children feeling the rejection we have felt our whole lives; the rejection my mom felt most of her life.    So I guess in a way, he has made me into a better parent then I might have been.  Thanks Grandpa!

So as the wake and funeral approach, I desperately want to find a way to bid my heart of this bitterness.   Its been best to just ignore it all these years, but now I have no other choice but to step up and face   "the family" again.  I am trying to be a better person.  When I found out my grandfather had days to live, I said a prayer, praying that God would forgive him for all that he has caused us.  But I don't want to be guilted into feeling like I have to lament the passing of this "wonderful man".  He helped create my mom, and I will be forever grateful for the life I was granted bc of that.  And thats about it.  Its like going to a stranger's wake and funeral, except I am expected to show some kind of feeling??  *sigh*  All I can hope and pray is that God can help me heal the bitterness brewing in my heart this last 29 years...and that I can look beyond the example of the rest of the "family".