We are in the midst of packing and moving...back to our OLD house. Yep, thats us who must secretly love to move. We turned our lives upside down about 7 months ago, only to be moving back to our house 7 months later, with me being 6 months pregnant and pretty useless with my placenta previa/acreta. The kids are SOOOOOO excited about being back in their house they loved though...and so am I! Thank goodness our house didn't sell or rent out...funny how things can seem so to be going so wrong and so unfairly at one time, only to be a huge benefit to us in the end. If thats not a sign that we are being taken care, I don't know what is.
Kids' rooms/toys are packed and moved (minus bunk beds that will be disassembled/reassembled by the bunk bed experts), and most of bathroom is packed up and moved. Today, I work on school books/school stuff/coloring books/puzzles/etc and maybe some kitchen stuff as well. I feel really pressed to get moved as soon as possible...just bc as I get more and more pregnant, I am at more and more risk for bleeding and other complications thanks to the previa/acreta. It feels like I am a ticking time bomb and I hate that. Not exactly the final pregnancy I was dreaming about, thats for sure. Bur if rhis is the way Ansen is meant to get here, so be it. 9 months of hell is worth a lifetime of joy.
If I get enough accomplished this morning, hopefully we can spend the rest of the day enjoying the warmer then usual pre-spring temps of 55. Thats practically shorts weather in New England!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Living each day to the fullest...
But really, the truth is, neither you, nor I have been promised another minute.Someone mentioned this to me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. And its absolutely, positively true. I need to stop focusing on the "what ifs" 3 months from now, and instead focus on today. Yesterday morning, my grandfather was alive, and as night hit, he was not. Life is so short and fleeting, And there is no "buzzer" that goes off when your time is over. I need to see and appreciate each day in front of me as a blessing and an opportunity to make memories. I need to stop ruining my today, worrying about tomorrow. Who knows if tomorrow will come...for any of us?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sooooo thankful for my perinatologist and his nurse
I truly am thankful that God has lead me to this perinatologist. You can read back posts on my blog, but I wanted to go to the smaller hospital I delivered the rest of my kids at. And for some reason, when I had the bleeding initially at 5 weeks, I felt I needed to see a doctor out of this bigger hospital. I didn't want to and I hated it, but I felt a NEED within me. And I went with that feeling, as much as I didn't want to. And I ended up with that horribly heartless doctor, that made me feel awful. And again, I almost switched back to my hospital of choice. My favorite hospital, the one that we still drive by and I smile at, missing the inside of those doors and the memories of the rooms within. But for some reason, as much as I wanted to give a pracice out of my favorite hospital a call, I never could actually call. I looked up the number and I had it on me....but I just felt like I had to wait this out. And I didn't understand it at all, bc this doctor I had ultimately chosen didn't reassure me nor give me any warm fuzzy feelings. It didn't seem logical, everyone told me to RUN from this doctor, yet I felt I had to wait.
And one appointment later, I got completely transferred to maternal/fetal medicine. I didn't want to be there at all and I felt really broken at the thought of having ALL my care transferred to them. Was I THAT high risk?? I went into my first appointment with my new perinatologist, and I was majorly freaking out. My blood pressure was through the roof. And then I sat in the conference room and waited. And freaked out more. Wondering why I was here in the first place. And then I met Dr. M. (this is good Dr. M, not the evil, eager to terminate, not so good Dr. M).
Dr. M reassured me right from the start. He brought a sense of calmness and knowledge into the room. And he didn't make me feel like he was judging me in any way. He talked to me, answered all my questions, and reassured me. He was just so nice and so understanding of my fears. My next appointment, I didn't see Dr. M, instead I saw his nurse practioner, I will call her Nurse K, who was also amazing. She was very personable, wanted to know everything about me, and really made me feel important. At this last appointment, I originally was scheduled to see Nurse K again. And when she walked in, I just started crying....and she hugged me, handed me a box of tissues, and told me to just give it a good cry before I talked. And so, I blubbered out what the ultrasound had found, and she tried to reassure me that THIS is why I was here, getting the best care around. And talking with her did make me feel a little better. But I still had questions and was just plain scared. And then she went out and called Dr. M (who was doing rounds in the hospital above us) and asked if he would come talk to me as well, to reassure me. I think this just speaks loads about the practice I am in. She could have just scoffed at my worries, or sent me off on my way, but she went above and beyond. And Dr. M came down to talk to me, which I truly appreciate. I can imagine he was probably pretty busy doing his rounds to come down a few floors to talk to me, but he did. And once he walked in, he told me (in the calm, reassuring manner he has) that he had expected the worst case scenario and wasn't surprised and that I would have the best care. He reiterated that it was better to know now and be able to make plans now, have the best surgeons on duty at the time, etc. And even when he mentioned the scary things (like needing tons of blood at delivery), he helped clear up my tears enough so that I could tell him the story of how the last time I needed some blood, I craved Italian food for weeks (which made him laugh). I left knowing more then I did going into the appointment, and feeling very reassured by the care I was getting (although not too thrilled with my new diagnosis of course).
I am trying my hardest to stay confident that God is taking care of me and Ansen and there will be a happy ending. I am certain God put it on my heart that I needed to be at this hospital this time, and He helped me choose a doctor, knowing that I would be referred to Dr. M and Nurse K. He knew I NEEDED Dr. M and Nurse K and their support to get through the worst of this (which I am sure still is yet to come). I already feel that their "care" goes above and beyond the normal care they are required to give in their jobs. I appreciate it and I need it right now.
I am so incredibly grateful that even when I feel alone in all this, I can find instances where God is still showing me He is still quietly but surely leading the way. And that gives me some hope. I like to think that that God wouldn't be working so hard at getting me to the right people if I wasn't meant to live through this tale.
And one appointment later, I got completely transferred to maternal/fetal medicine. I didn't want to be there at all and I felt really broken at the thought of having ALL my care transferred to them. Was I THAT high risk?? I went into my first appointment with my new perinatologist, and I was majorly freaking out. My blood pressure was through the roof. And then I sat in the conference room and waited. And freaked out more. Wondering why I was here in the first place. And then I met Dr. M. (this is good Dr. M, not the evil, eager to terminate, not so good Dr. M).
Dr. M reassured me right from the start. He brought a sense of calmness and knowledge into the room. And he didn't make me feel like he was judging me in any way. He talked to me, answered all my questions, and reassured me. He was just so nice and so understanding of my fears. My next appointment, I didn't see Dr. M, instead I saw his nurse practioner, I will call her Nurse K, who was also amazing. She was very personable, wanted to know everything about me, and really made me feel important. At this last appointment, I originally was scheduled to see Nurse K again. And when she walked in, I just started crying....and she hugged me, handed me a box of tissues, and told me to just give it a good cry before I talked. And so, I blubbered out what the ultrasound had found, and she tried to reassure me that THIS is why I was here, getting the best care around. And talking with her did make me feel a little better. But I still had questions and was just plain scared. And then she went out and called Dr. M (who was doing rounds in the hospital above us) and asked if he would come talk to me as well, to reassure me. I think this just speaks loads about the practice I am in. She could have just scoffed at my worries, or sent me off on my way, but she went above and beyond. And Dr. M came down to talk to me, which I truly appreciate. I can imagine he was probably pretty busy doing his rounds to come down a few floors to talk to me, but he did. And once he walked in, he told me (in the calm, reassuring manner he has) that he had expected the worst case scenario and wasn't surprised and that I would have the best care. He reiterated that it was better to know now and be able to make plans now, have the best surgeons on duty at the time, etc. And even when he mentioned the scary things (like needing tons of blood at delivery), he helped clear up my tears enough so that I could tell him the story of how the last time I needed some blood, I craved Italian food for weeks (which made him laugh). I left knowing more then I did going into the appointment, and feeling very reassured by the care I was getting (although not too thrilled with my new diagnosis of course).
I am trying my hardest to stay confident that God is taking care of me and Ansen and there will be a happy ending. I am certain God put it on my heart that I needed to be at this hospital this time, and He helped me choose a doctor, knowing that I would be referred to Dr. M and Nurse K. He knew I NEEDED Dr. M and Nurse K and their support to get through the worst of this (which I am sure still is yet to come). I already feel that their "care" goes above and beyond the normal care they are required to give in their jobs. I appreciate it and I need it right now.
I am so incredibly grateful that even when I feel alone in all this, I can find instances where God is still showing me He is still quietly but surely leading the way. And that gives me some hope. I like to think that that God wouldn't be working so hard at getting me to the right people if I wasn't meant to live through this tale.
I am just having one of those days....
Of course, one of those days for me is a lot different then one of those days for anyone else at this moment in my life. The day after my horrible ultrasound, I am feeling my own mortality. And not liking it one bit. I want off this ride!!! But then I think about my sweet baby boy, who is fighting hard to get here. He is one of the only things1 that keeps me from completely losing it. Him and the 5 sweet kids I already have....and Doug of course. But besides them, I feel completely alone. Completely, utterly alone, stuck in my own mess I made myself.
I can't really talk to many people about this bc no one understands why I have gotten myself into this situation in the first place. I know many people think its my own fault. Why couldn't I stay happy with the 5 kids I already had. When I try to explain that I had the same feeling as I did before the other kids (the feeling that some little life was meant to be and wanted IN), I know what everyone is thinking. Its not worth the potential for risk. I should have thought of the 5 kids and husband I have first and foremost. Honestly, if I had had foresight that this would be my DEFINATE future, I have no idea what I would have chosen. But at the time, it was just a risk, depending on where baby implanted and what happened with placenta. There is so much uterus to implant on. Who would have thought that my baby would choose the absolute worst spot ever. And that my placenta would find the right conditions in my uterus to do what its now doing. Before any of this journey had begun, I thought of that little life and the life that had been laid out for him-Ansen was constantly on my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will him away..it was as if he was begging me to giveI would give me to give him a chance to live. And I thought intensely about which choice I would regret when I am 80...giving this little soul a chance at life...or not. Of course, now I am here begging God to hear my prayers and keep me safe, fully understanding that maybe I won't get to 80. Maybe I won't even make it past 30. Did I make the right choice?
I went to a board about acreta and asked some questions/told my story. One woman responded back about her experience and said that she had great peace writing "just in case" letters to people she cared about. And the tears started flowing here again. I have thought about it, and it scares the hell out of me to consider it. What would I write?? I would have to write Doug and beg him not to hate Ansen if I didn't make it, and I would have to write to the kids and tell them how special they are to me/how much I love them. I wanted Ansen's story to be a testament of my faith and hope during the lowest of times, hearing God's whispers in the darkest of days. But here I am feeling MIGHTY alone right now. Instead of feeling more faith, I am left feeling lost and deserted. What the heck kind of testament is it to my husband and kids if I have left them with a lifetime of sadness instead. I feel like Ansen's life is so full of worth, but is it wrong/selfish of me to think my own life is just as worthy??
I know I am not walking this walk alone, but it sure feels like it right now. As I try to process the new road we have begun on this journey, I need to keep my faith and hope. I can't lose who I am. I hope and pray that I can find some kind of peace on this scary, broken road I am traveling. Please, if you can, pray for me and this journey And as I travel, feeling alone, vulnerable and terrified, I will try to remember one of my favorite poems, to show me that I am never truly alone.
Footprints
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
-Mary Stevenson-
I can't really talk to many people about this bc no one understands why I have gotten myself into this situation in the first place. I know many people think its my own fault. Why couldn't I stay happy with the 5 kids I already had. When I try to explain that I had the same feeling as I did before the other kids (the feeling that some little life was meant to be and wanted IN), I know what everyone is thinking. Its not worth the potential for risk. I should have thought of the 5 kids and husband I have first and foremost. Honestly, if I had had foresight that this would be my DEFINATE future, I have no idea what I would have chosen. But at the time, it was just a risk, depending on where baby implanted and what happened with placenta. There is so much uterus to implant on. Who would have thought that my baby would choose the absolute worst spot ever. And that my placenta would find the right conditions in my uterus to do what its now doing. Before any of this journey had begun, I thought of that little life and the life that had been laid out for him-Ansen was constantly on my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will him away..it was as if he was begging me to giveI would give me to give him a chance to live. And I thought intensely about which choice I would regret when I am 80...giving this little soul a chance at life...or not. Of course, now I am here begging God to hear my prayers and keep me safe, fully understanding that maybe I won't get to 80. Maybe I won't even make it past 30. Did I make the right choice?
I went to a board about acreta and asked some questions/told my story. One woman responded back about her experience and said that she had great peace writing "just in case" letters to people she cared about. And the tears started flowing here again. I have thought about it, and it scares the hell out of me to consider it. What would I write?? I would have to write Doug and beg him not to hate Ansen if I didn't make it, and I would have to write to the kids and tell them how special they are to me/how much I love them. I wanted Ansen's story to be a testament of my faith and hope during the lowest of times, hearing God's whispers in the darkest of days. But here I am feeling MIGHTY alone right now. Instead of feeling more faith, I am left feeling lost and deserted. What the heck kind of testament is it to my husband and kids if I have left them with a lifetime of sadness instead. I feel like Ansen's life is so full of worth, but is it wrong/selfish of me to think my own life is just as worthy??
I know I am not walking this walk alone, but it sure feels like it right now. As I try to process the new road we have begun on this journey, I need to keep my faith and hope. I can't lose who I am. I hope and pray that I can find some kind of peace on this scary, broken road I am traveling. Please, if you can, pray for me and this journey And as I travel, feeling alone, vulnerable and terrified, I will try to remember one of my favorite poems, to show me that I am never truly alone.
Footprints
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
-Mary Stevenson-
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My not good news ~23 week ultrasound
Well I had hoped the worst had passed for this pregnancy and by some miracle it would be smooth sailing, but its not. And just last week, I had a dream with a much loved Gram of ours (that passed) and I asked her how the delivery would go, and she said it would be really difficult, but she would be there for me. I woke up kinda upset, thinking "didn't I already go through the difficult part?" Apparently not and apparently my dream was for real. :(
Today at my almost 23 week ultrasound, baby measured great at 1 lb, 6 oz. But the bottom part of my placenta (the complete placenta part) now has no margin between where placenta ends and uterus begins. It looks like one big placenta extending to bladder. This is NOT good at all. Combined with the fact that I have placental lakes in that area, I am pretty much now guaranteed a placenta acreta. Placenta acreta is when the placenta abnormally imbeds into the uterus...and there is usually no separating the two once that happens. Hysteroctomy is pretty much guaranteed and huge risk of hemmorhaging. I was going to donate blood for myself but peri said not to bother now...I would only be able to donate 1 to 2 units and would probably need like 9. I feel sick. That is not my biggest worry though. Now I have another 13 weeks or so to wait and watch to see if my placenta grows THROUGH my uterus and into my bladder, which would be even more dangerous...bc you can't just take out your bladder like you can your uterus. :( I was so hopeful that maybe I could avoid this and instead my worst fears/dreams are coming true.
I went into my peri appt after ultrasound crying and terrified. One of the first things I thought was how maybe I made a mistake not immediately terminating pregnancy like that first doctor had told me I had to do. And then I felt guilty for even thinking that, bc I am 110% against termination. What can I say though, I am human and I am scared. I know my baby boy is meant to be in this world and in our family...he has fought so hard to be here. I love him so much. I also love my other kids and my husband so much, and I want to be there for them after this. But its just that this pregnancy has been such a huge nightmare, from start to present. Why can't I catch a break for a minute here?? My perinatoglost tried to reassure me as best as he could, saying he expected the worst case scenario and that its best to know now and be prepared and that they would have a great surgeon there working alongside with him. I am going to have an MRI at 30 something weeks to see if placenta has grown out of uterus. I know I am in great hands, and I have great faith in God, but sometimes I fear that God is working so hard to get Ansen here, that he might forget about me. :( I don't want to say that I wish I never was pregnant with Ansen though, bc I believe with all my heart he was MEANT to be here. But I do hate being in this situation and wish it could have been different...maybe just a little *lot* easier.
Here are a few pics from my ultrasound today btw. At least he is not showing any ill effects from all he has been through...
Today at my almost 23 week ultrasound, baby measured great at 1 lb, 6 oz. But the bottom part of my placenta (the complete placenta part) now has no margin between where placenta ends and uterus begins. It looks like one big placenta extending to bladder. This is NOT good at all. Combined with the fact that I have placental lakes in that area, I am pretty much now guaranteed a placenta acreta. Placenta acreta is when the placenta abnormally imbeds into the uterus...and there is usually no separating the two once that happens. Hysteroctomy is pretty much guaranteed and huge risk of hemmorhaging. I was going to donate blood for myself but peri said not to bother now...I would only be able to donate 1 to 2 units and would probably need like 9. I feel sick. That is not my biggest worry though. Now I have another 13 weeks or so to wait and watch to see if my placenta grows THROUGH my uterus and into my bladder, which would be even more dangerous...bc you can't just take out your bladder like you can your uterus. :( I was so hopeful that maybe I could avoid this and instead my worst fears/dreams are coming true.
I went into my peri appt after ultrasound crying and terrified. One of the first things I thought was how maybe I made a mistake not immediately terminating pregnancy like that first doctor had told me I had to do. And then I felt guilty for even thinking that, bc I am 110% against termination. What can I say though, I am human and I am scared. I know my baby boy is meant to be in this world and in our family...he has fought so hard to be here. I love him so much. I also love my other kids and my husband so much, and I want to be there for them after this. But its just that this pregnancy has been such a huge nightmare, from start to present. Why can't I catch a break for a minute here?? My perinatoglost tried to reassure me as best as he could, saying he expected the worst case scenario and that its best to know now and be prepared and that they would have a great surgeon there working alongside with him. I am going to have an MRI at 30 something weeks to see if placenta has grown out of uterus. I know I am in great hands, and I have great faith in God, but sometimes I fear that God is working so hard to get Ansen here, that he might forget about me. :( I don't want to say that I wish I never was pregnant with Ansen though, bc I believe with all my heart he was MEANT to be here. But I do hate being in this situation and wish it could have been different...maybe just a little *lot* easier.
Here are a few pics from my ultrasound today btw. At least he is not showing any ill effects from all he has been through...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Good stuff going through this house.....
Well Doug seems to have had a very mild stomach virus last night, then Rylan had it early this morning/today....and most of the rest of the kids have sore throats/stuffy noses and are just plain miserable!! Now Doug is gone til tomorrow and I am left with some not so pleasant children. *sigh* Where are the rainbows and unicorns today? Oh wait, with 5 kids, especially 5 sick kids cooped up in a WAY TOO SMALL house, I guess all our days can't be amazingly wonderful. I just wish when they kids were sick, that they would sit and chill out and rest...but instead they run around and fight and whine and pull on me instead. Its an exhausting way to spend your day. I am supposed to be throwing away stuff and packing, but it looks like instead of making progress, I will be doing little but fighting at keeping my sanity. Oh well, there is always another day....
Monday, March 1, 2010
2 more days til another ultrasound, as well as random thoughts and hopes...
I am nervous...AGAIN. And I am kind of in awe that my uterus that was mia all the sudden popped out of me now and is a good 6 inches above belly button at 22 weeks. Hopefully thats normal/??? I remember growing this quickly with TWINS...not a singleton. But I am 99.9% sure there is just one baby in there. So why would I grow so quickly/so fast???
I am hoping that my placenta is still behaving itself in there. That is what makes me most nervous about this ultrasound. I am so afraid to hear the words "your placenta now looks abnormal/like a plecenta acreta/increta/percreta. *sigh* I hate that I have been holding my breath this whole pregnancy, and that I am STILL holding my breath now. I will be holding my breath until this baby is safely in my arms. And I am out of revovery, safe and sound myself. Its all very stressful.
Today I went to a funeral. And it was terribly sad and depressing and hard to be a part of. And the husband of MANY years sat next to his wife's casket the entire service. And there came a time to pray and I prayed that God would keep me safe during this pregnancy and delivery. Same old prayer, but I prayed harder then ever, bc I saw how this husband was hurting to be separated from his life partner. That is the scariest thought that has entered my mind this entire pregnancy...the thought that my placenta could start to do something that actually endangers my life. The thought of me being separated from my husband that I adore so much and my kids that are the world to me. I guess if I was smart and used my actual brains, I would have stopped at 5 and made sure I NEVER had to worry about another risk again, no matter how big or small. But instead, I had faith and I followed my heart, and brought this last little soul tugging at my heart into this world; I know in my heart he is worth it, but I just hope and pray that God's future plans include me and my health.
Please, please, PLEASE let my placenta be shown to be growing normally on Wednesday...if there IS any sign of abnormal attachment to my scars, please let it stay within my uterus, so that I can worry about getting over a hysteroctomy instead of worrying about a life threatening situation. This journey has been so hard, from beginning to present....lately, its been especially tough on my spirit. I know that it will all be TOTALLY worth it. I know this baby boy was MEANT to be...and his specialness will shine out of him and into our lives each and every day . I only hope and pray that God thinks the same of me and my worth.....
*edited to add* When I worry the most, the baby always moves the most. Its kind of crazy. Ever since I posted this, Ansen has been moving around like crazy. The most he has moved yet. Its like he is reassuring me that everything will be fine. I am so grateful for this baby boy of mine!!!
I am hoping that my placenta is still behaving itself in there. That is what makes me most nervous about this ultrasound. I am so afraid to hear the words "your placenta now looks abnormal/like a plecenta acreta/increta/percreta. *sigh* I hate that I have been holding my breath this whole pregnancy, and that I am STILL holding my breath now. I will be holding my breath until this baby is safely in my arms. And I am out of revovery, safe and sound myself. Its all very stressful.
Today I went to a funeral. And it was terribly sad and depressing and hard to be a part of. And the husband of MANY years sat next to his wife's casket the entire service. And there came a time to pray and I prayed that God would keep me safe during this pregnancy and delivery. Same old prayer, but I prayed harder then ever, bc I saw how this husband was hurting to be separated from his life partner. That is the scariest thought that has entered my mind this entire pregnancy...the thought that my placenta could start to do something that actually endangers my life. The thought of me being separated from my husband that I adore so much and my kids that are the world to me. I guess if I was smart and used my actual brains, I would have stopped at 5 and made sure I NEVER had to worry about another risk again, no matter how big or small. But instead, I had faith and I followed my heart, and brought this last little soul tugging at my heart into this world; I know in my heart he is worth it, but I just hope and pray that God's future plans include me and my health.
Please, please, PLEASE let my placenta be shown to be growing normally on Wednesday...if there IS any sign of abnormal attachment to my scars, please let it stay within my uterus, so that I can worry about getting over a hysteroctomy instead of worrying about a life threatening situation. This journey has been so hard, from beginning to present....lately, its been especially tough on my spirit. I know that it will all be TOTALLY worth it. I know this baby boy was MEANT to be...and his specialness will shine out of him and into our lives each and every day . I only hope and pray that God thinks the same of me and my worth.....
*edited to add* When I worry the most, the baby always moves the most. Its kind of crazy. Ever since I posted this, Ansen has been moving around like crazy. The most he has moved yet. Its like he is reassuring me that everything will be fine. I am so grateful for this baby boy of mine!!!
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