Journey of Faith....into the Unknown

Feeling so blessed...

2011-05-09T09:45:00.001-04:00

to have had another Mother's Day to enjoy with my kids. We didn't do anything special whatsoever, just another normal, boring day....but those are exactly what being a mom is all about. I feel like I won the lottery, with my 6 beautiful children to mother!! And yesterday, I took the kids to the park to meet a friend that just had her 4th child (she came to visit Ansen at the NICU and told me that day that his journey had inspired her to have her 4th child that she had been flip flopping in her head about having-her daughter is now ~2 months old). And yesterday she told me she was now considering a 5th. That she didn't feel her family was complete. Now that is a nice Mother's Day present. Because for most people, my large family inspires them to use birth control. Seriously. This world isn't made comfortable for a 6 kid family. 2 kids is deemed rather perfect to most. One of the main things I hear is along the lines of our number of children "well thats nice, I would have liked another, but we only have the money/energy/future plans/sanity for two". With 6 kids, we certainly rarely have any extra money, we certainly go minute by minute in regards to "planning" things, we aren't able to give our kids the world (or fancy clothing, fancy electronics, or yearly Disney/cruise vacations) and my sanity is tested OFTEN. But I am blessed. With 6 of the only treasures I will ever have that can come to Heaven with me. I will probably be dirt poor for the rest of my life because of these 6 of mine, and crazy busy to boot, but I feel like a millionaire in my heart. I have 6 riches that money can't buy. And to have my friend want to hang out with us somewhat regularly, and then for her to say that the thought of 5 children is now speaking to her heart...well its a nice change from what I hear every other day of the year. Not that I think that everyone should have 5 or 6 children a piece, but I think everyone should make the decision on their family size from their heart and not from their head (because the head has a way of convincing you that the good life=money, beautiful things, elaborate plans). I am not immune to the longings of my head....I too dream of a bigger house, and bigger vacations, and a nice bedroom set, and Hanna Andersson clothing for my kids, etc. But then I am reminded daily as to what truly matters...when I am 80, what will I be most proud of in regards to what I accomplished? And I am pretty sure that the pretty things/big plans won't count for much when its time for me to meet my Maker. But thats just me.

Happy belated Mother's Day....hope everyone enjoyed a day with their most valued treasures as well! :)

"interesting" appt today...

2011-04-26T22:57:00.000-04:00

I had a consult with a general surgeon today for my hernia. Well, as soon as he walked in, I knew that I wasn't in for a riproaring time. He wasn't warm and friendly, thats for sure. Then he asked why I was there, took a bunch of notes, and then started asking about why I had so and so health insurance and why we didn't have anything else but that. He then examined my hernia (feeling for edges of where it started and ended (~12 inches augh)), and then had me stand up to see how much it stuck out when I stood up. He told me that I had two options. What I REALLY need is a 4 step surgery (not sure if that means 4 surgeries or just one big elaborate surgery), but that they would need to carve things apart in there and put them back together the way they were meant to be, and this would be refinforced by some kind of graft once they got me all back together again. This would requite a few days of hospitalization and would be very painful. Unfortunately, this was NOT even one of my two choices, bc my insurance won't pay for that and he assured me that he doesn't let insurance mandate giving care to a patient, but that he also can't be expected to do these kinds of surgeries for free unless its a true emergency.

So my options actually are: 1. To have the minimally invasive laparascopy that my insurance will pay for and they would try to sew a patch in between the 12 inches of open fascia....but that this would most likely not work for any long period of time, just bc of the extent of the hernia/damage inside. I would also still look like I have a hernia, bc this patch would still let stuff push through to some extent. 2. To wait it out, re-evaluate in 6 months (and hopefully get better insurance), and do it the right way. Also would give me time to get in better shape, so to hopefully lessen my chances of 5 months of infection like last time (augh). He recommended option 2.

As crappy as his bedside manner was, I have learned along the way that drs with the least pleasant bedside manner are usually the most meticulous drs/surgeons (and the ones you want doing your surgery).   And he could easily do the first option, get paid for it, and forget about me for the time being.  But he highly recommends the more extensive surgery to get the best results for me.

I figure this is God's will. If I was meant to have this thing fixed now, the option would be made available to me. I am not looking forward to walking around with this huge lump indefinately (as well as being unsightly, it is often very sore), but I also appreciate that for Ansen, this is probably the best choice. When I had all my other surgeries, Ansen was a newborn and could stay in the hospital with me and Doug, bc all he did was sleep and eat.  He is still exclusively nursed (well with table food) and he hasn't had a bottle since my surgery in September.  Even with the least invasive method, they said I would have to stay in hospital for a few days and Ansen would definately not just chill out at hospital like he did as a newborn; he is now a busy, exploring, crawling everywhere, tasting everything ~11 month old. I don't want our nursing relationship to end right now (or be messed up by us being apart for a few days)....since he is my last baby, it is very special to me. I have been looking forward to my spring/summer/fall without a wound, and I certainly don't want to have some half done surgery, only to still need more surgery later.

So that is that; my choice is pretty much made for now. Just going to wait it out for now. I asked if this was a dangerous option, but he said that my hernia was so big that "you could stick your head through", and that something that massive doesn't run a huge risk of entrapping intestines and such. He felt that anything coming through could easily make its way back in.

Truthfully, I still can't believe thats how my appt went though....I thought for sure that we would schedule something, get it fixed, and that would be that. I had heard insurance can be like this, but I guess its just truly eye opening that they can play such a huge part in your medical options/own personal health. This world is crazy. :( But God hasn't forgotten me, I am sure of this. So I will just ride this out and see what road we end up at when all is said and done.

Thy will be done

2011-04-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

The sermon this week was about letting God's will be done in your life; to listen to those whispers in regards to what direction he wants you to head in your life. Of course, this sermon couldn't have come at a better time....I am on an hourly (gee, almost minutely) battle at times, between what I personally WANT out of life (I want to find some miracle solution to get out of my house NOW and buy a farmhouse in neighboring, farm animal friendly city, and all the farm animals of my dreams, I want to stop being hounded on a daily basis about homeschooling and our family and my life and just enjoy simpleness at its finest)....but I innately feel like God's will is the polar opposite of everything I want for myself. I have one thing that I feel really strongly that He wants me to do and that he keeps putting on my heart, and I am pretty convinced that leaving our house is not in our cards either (the whole bloom where you are planted thing). And I appreciate it and I try to accept it and bloom a great big bloom....BUT, hey what can I say, I am human and my own personal will is strong and my own desires always cloud God's will; make is easier to ignore that whisper on my soul. I am reading a book called "If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!!" I am a work in progress and I have to keep learning/accepting this. I had to accept it when I tried ferverently (and failed for quite some time) at having our first child, I had to accept it when I had my fourth boy, I had to accept very much so when I went through placenta percreta and subsequent surgeries. And I am still learning/accepting that lesson now, with my husband still looking for work, and with my hopes and dreams so big and so unattainable at the moment. There are quite a few areas of my life that I have become an expert at heeding God's whispers...or putting them off for a short while. But truth be told, the sermon this week was my reminder; my kick in the butt. I need to fully hand over the controls of my life to God, and let us His will be done with our life...and let those whispers of His on my heart grow like Ansen ultimately did!

Thy will be done

On Earth, as it is in Heaven.

Fitting in...

2011-04-13T13:51:00.002-04:00

Its so easy to desire to be part of the "in crowd" of this world. Its comfortable to not be an outsider and its certainly great for your self esteem. But is it good for spiritual growth to always feel comfortable and at ease-is the good life/being popular/fitting into the norm the way to go to get where you ultimately want to be? I don't know. I have found that when I am most comfortable, I have not wanted to change much in my life...I felt very content as is and changed very little spiritually. And then when I have done the most outlandish, out of the norm things, leading us to a not so comfortable/easy going period in my life, I have exponentially grown spiritually in such amazing/rich ways, that I don't even recongize the person I am today.

I have come to the conclusion that for me, I want to stick out like a sore thumb. I want our family to march to the beat of a different drummer. Of course, I also want to work my hardest to always act with Christ like behavior (and really want my children and husband to exhibit the same qualities). But I want to fight that desire to fit in; that desire that we are innately born with. I have spent the last few years, following my heart, but also wanting to fit into the crowd and wondering why we so sorely stuck out. I have come to the realization that you can't have both. But you know what, in the end... I don't want to be comfortable. In my experiences, with comfort, our spiritual growth slows to almost a halt. I don't think God wants us to live a simply comfortably, self pleasing life. We are meant to continually step out of our comfort zone-both learning from the experience ourselves and hopefully teaching others a little here or there as we head along a new, less traveled road that continually enlighten our spirituality. So as we continue to travel this path called life, don't be surprised if our family chooses the most out of the norm/least popular route; the path covered over with brambles, the long and winding unknown route that leads to who knows where. Yep thats where we will be....and feel free to join us!! :)

Grow where you are planted

2011-04-08T09:44:00.000-04:00

Every day is a new challenge and a new life lesson to either learn or to use. And my life lesson lately has been to remind myself that I need to grow where I was planted. I am human; I am jealous at times. Everyone around me has bigger houses and bigger yards. We bought our house at the peak of the market and get a little house for a lot of money. And now you can get a LOT of house and yard for a little money. My grandfather's house is for sale, and it includes 4.5 acres...for 180,000. Our house was 187,000 for .10 acre of land. Doug and I always wanted a farm, but I gotta tell you that its probably hard to have even the tiniest pseudo farm on .10 acre of land. Sometimes I find myself getting jealous and wondering why our life lead us here and how its SOOOOO not conducive to our dreams. Its hard not to compare with others and wish for a redo. But comparison is the thief of joy.

I remind myself daily that God put us here for a reason. None of this is a surprise in His perfect plan for us. He planted our seeds here, and now its time for us to grow and thrive, to taking on the challenge of living out our dreams as best as we can for the time being. For we aren't ever promised a tomorrow. We may think we are invincible, and make all these big plans and dreams for our tomorrows...but in doing so, we waste away the gift of today-the gift of this moment in time, right in front of our noses. Today is here, and this is what God has blessed us with today, and we are going to extract every ounce of promise and potential we have been afforded here. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I don't have time to worry about all those tomorrows, when I have this big, beautiful today right in front of me-blossoming with promise. We are going to create our own little (and I mean LITTLE) backyard homestead and make a space that makes some of our simpler dreams come true and and gives God the thanks. An outdoor space that we can work for food, an outdoor space that we can play in, and an outdoor space that we can simply sit outside in, hear the birds in, feel the breezes in, and reflect on the small, sweet blessings and rewards of life. Small spaces don't have to be the end of big dreams.

My house is small, my yard is small, but God knows where I live.

Have a HUGE incisional hernia.....

2011-04-04T20:28:00.000-04:00

Found that out last week. I had always thought that ugly, hard lump that looked like an alion sticking out of my stomach was some weird healing of scar tissue. Well it appears its actually my organs on the inside trying to come out. I was referred to a surgeon, but have yet to hear anything at all. Doug ran into my visiting nurse while bringing the twins to speech, and she said I would have to have it taken care of. Of course, the first thing I think about is infection when thinking of another surgery. My body obviously HATES any kinds of surgeries, and just overcompensates with the wound fluid to the injury. Gosh, I really don't want to start THAT all over again. I kinda like having a closed stomach, thankyouverymuch. I want to talk about my options with the surgeon (if they ever contact me). I was told that most of the time they can do this laparoscopally. How likely is that in my case?? This thing is the size of a grapefruit. *shrug* Guess I will find out eventually. But can I say that I am the *tiniest* bit excited that I am not going to have this lump sticking out of my stomach for my whole life. This body isn't forever. I know and value that. And truthfully my stomach reminds me daily of my faith journey and the greater good it has brought. But the weird bump sticking out that feels like this freaky hard water balloon ...yeah I think I could live without that if they tell me it needs to be fixed. Do I feel like taking the chance of infection and such for it??? EHHHHHHHH. Not sure of an answer for that one. But if it can be done laparscopally....well that seems a little less infection likely. And no, thats NOT a challenge for my body....to manifest yet another weird, against the odds infection. Time (and a surgeon) will tell with what we plan to do with this lovely incisional hernia...for now we wait.

Hoping that I won't miss my uterus like this for the rest of my life....

2011-03-24T09:04:00.000-04:00

I have more then enough children to keep me busy here, I don't feel like there is a little soul tugging on my heart like I did 2 years ago, but I still miss my uterus all the time. It's ridiculous I know. I always am thinking of things I could have done differently in my life so I could have kept it (of course, all these options in my mind still include having my 6 kids). I feel a major allegience to my uterus, it might have been screwed up at the end, but it did an amazing job of growing 6 children for me. I am wondering if it will be this hard for the first year anniversary of things, and then I will slowly but surely fully accept the hysterectomy and move on. Gosh, I hope so. I wish I could relive the last 8 years of my life. All my pregnancies went by so quickly, my babies are growing so fast....every time I blink, everyone is another half year older. Ansen-my last baby ever- is crawling and is getting closer and closer to a year old. It makes me sad that I really missed his first 3 months of life, with him in the NICU and then me being drugged out for surgery after surgery. I don't even remember July at all. I mourn having a normal delivery and those moments in the hospital where all you had to do was focus on all that joy of getting to know our new baby. The last time I felt that was at Caden's birth (over 5 years ago). That makes me really sad.

Thankfully I have God to remind me that this is EXACTLY how he planned my life to be. None of this was a surprise to Him, and in regards to having children, all I wanted to do was have all the children HE had planned for me. And I did that. Even when things got scary bringing Ansen into the world, I did just what God hoped I would. I know I need to stop putting the focus on my missing uterus and instead pour all that focus into God and the life He has granted me. I don't want to be that person that spends so much time on the shoulda/woulda/couldas that I miss out on the joys of every today. I think I just REALLY need spring to get here...spring always helps me refocus. Sitting in the house/within these 4 walls, day after day after day with 6 VERY energetic children can take its toll on the sanest of minds. Here's hoping that many outside days are on its way soon here....and that I can use the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, much more clear mind of spring to get over this "missing my uterus" stuff.

Ansen is now one pregnancy old....

2011-03-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

One pregnancy....nine months old. I am so grateful that God sent him to complete our family....he is such a joy to all of us! I just wish he wasn't growing up so fast on me.....

got a case of the blahs....

2011-03-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

Its almost been a year since I was put into the hospital for bleeding. Almost a year since I prepared for what seemed like imminent surgery for me and my 26 week baby. Almost a year since they uttered the words "potential placenta percreta". Almost a year since I went on bedrest.

Last year was terrifying, but seems "holy" to me now. It was the time when my faith was most tested, and when I felt/saw God's work the clearest. I am now founding that I miss that clarity. I mourn that clarity. Life is back to its monotanous hum drum of life, people going on with their lives, and I am of course expected to go on with my life, as time flies by. My baby boy is 9 months old. Its been 9 months since I had to face a surgery that could have ended my life, 9 months since I faced my biggest fears, 9 months since I kissed my uterus goodbye, and 9 months that have flown by that I have yet to fully process. I would give anything to relive one of those days again last year, even though they were the most terrifying of my life. *sigh* Life is flying by, and I feel like I am doing little but make it through the days here....life is so busy here at my house, my kids keep me so busy. I want to do more though....do more then just trudge through my days and check off my daily todolist. I think I was supposed to do more with this. But I just am not sure of what that is.

I miss my uterus as well. Now that my baby boy is getting closer and closer to one, I am reminded that my last baby is growing up too fast on me like the others have. And I missed half of his months as a baby drugged up on percocet bc of wound/surgery pain. :( I wish I could have some of that time back now.

The sermon at church spoke to me this week. Was about taking that holy moment in your life and using it as inspiration for the normal, "boring" days ahead. God always finds a way to give us the messages we need to hear...now I just need to figure out how I can use this info to make for a more spirtually fulfilling life for us all here.

Things are just kinda weird....

2011-02-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

My husband lost his job of 7 years. Just feels weird.

Having him home 24/7. Weird, but great.

Having our pay cut DRAMATICALLY, but thanks to unemployment, not to nothing. Weird, but hopefully life changing.

Having him start a part time job soon after being home for almost a month. Weird...and gonna miss him.

Having life flying past so crazy fast right now. Weird. Makes me miss the slowness of my life on bedrest.

Having a baby that is 8 months old already, and about to crawl. Weird. He was a newborn for like 2 seconds it seems. Most of it was the drugged haze I was in for the first few months of his life.

Already being in mid February. Weird. Why is time going so fast?

Can't believe its almost been a year since I started bleeding and got diagnosed with the worst diagnosis. And started my bedrest. And thought every day I might have to deliver my baby. And wondered if I would make it through my surgery. Weird. How has that already been a year?

Missing my uterus. WEIRD? Who misses a uterus?

I know we will move through all the weirdness to a more comfortable "new" kind of life. Just waiting and wondering, wanting life to slow down enough for me to savour my last baby and my other 5, always growing/always changing kids, sometimes I want life to halt so I can process the last year properly, but then other times I want certain aspects of life to speed up, bc I am anxious to find out what more God has in store for us. Weird may not always feel good, but God rocks our sometimes too comfortable worlds with these "weirds", and then uses the "weirds" to help us be better people. Still working on figuring out what more God has planned with me and my family...and all I hope is that I don't let Him down.

When people tell me how happy and good natured Ansen is....

2011-01-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

each and every time, all I want to answer is YES, he is...he is just very happy and content with being alive. He is loving life. Many people don't know how close he could have come to not being here, multiple times. How close we both came at times. This last year taught me so much. Ansen teaches me more and more, day after day. I am so lucky and blessed. Lucky and blessed to have Ansen and Rylan and Gavin and Caden and Elise and Kylie and Doug. And my family. And my friends. Thankful for life. Thank you God!

Crafting away...

2010-12-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

I am in a mad holiday rush to make all the Christmas gifts on my extensive todolist. Why is Christmas so close already?? This year is a lot different feeling then last year. Last year I wondered if I would have a baby around this Christmas or just a bunch of sad memories. Last year I wondered if they hats I made my family would be nothing more of little reminders to them of my last Christmas. Last Christmas was a very blue Christmas for me. Every morning I woke up cuddled next to Ansen and my heart is bursting. I have this majorly deformed looking stomach that still hurts in a certain area (probably a forever thing) and as much as I hate this ugly stomach, it reminds me of beauty. The beauty of life. The beauty of being a mother. The beauty of family. The beauty of God and His world. The beauty of following God's path, even when the path may not appear so beautiful or wonderful or even worthy to travel. As I make Christmas gifts this year, my heart celebrates. It's a different feeling from last year. And truthfully winter is my least favorite season. I hate the cold, I hate snow and I hate the dark late afternoons. But I am embracing it all, every second of it, because most importantly, Ansen and I get to enjoy it together with our family.

Still peeking in...

2010-11-18T18:34:00.000-05:00

Still don't have internet or any kind of cable at all at my house, and its actually kind of nice in a way (although I feel SOOOOOO behind on all my facebook friends and whats up on them, since I only check every 4 days or so). I have had more time for crafting, reading and watching Netflix episodes of Nip/Tuck (my new favorite series). And it gives me lots of time to take in all the joys around me, and to reflect on what a treasure this last year has been to my heart. It has been most difficult, but most certainly the year where I learned more then I had the last 29 years before. I feel so lucky to see everything in my life with fresh eyes. No matter how little money we may have at times, what little material things we possess, our house is bursting with love and loud and craziness and joy and quite a bit of mischief. And I like it that way. I couldn't think of any way to make it any better. Actually thats a bit of a fib. We are actually working on restructuring our budget so that we can give more money to worthy ministries around us. We have what we truly need, and what is most important to me now is to share some of the excess we have with others, so that they can find a similar simple joy in life. It's a hard journey though, going from living a life of consumerism (I am a seasoned shopper!) Baby steps.....yep baby steps.

Funny enough....

2010-11-01T12:21:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about how I need to take a break from the internet, just live life and enjoy my kids and STEP AWAY from the internet. Because truthfully, its the first thing I think of checking in the morning and one of the last things I need to check before bed...and then there are the tiny little checkins throughout the day. So anyways, the last few weeks, I have been back and forth about cancelling our internet and taking a little break (checking in a couple times a week from my Dad's house to get my "fix"). It's hard though to take that final step and get rid of something you greatly enjoy though. Well God has decided to help me along the decision making path.

Today our internet provider (Comcast) took out 120 dollars from our bank account. We only have internet and the most basic of cable (4 dollars a month), so our whole bill is about 30 dollars a month. We did NOT authorize this payment and we do not have automatic payments or anything like that. On calling them, we were told that they were authorized the payment of 120 dollars AND that they couldn't tell us who authorized it bc of confidentiality. Doug talked to THREE people and heard the same thing. So, I take it as God's hint that we are meant to cancel internet (and ALL services from Comcast) and take a bit of a break. I will check in a couple times a week from my Dad's, bc I can't give it up cold turkey, but I am guessing that I might be a lot more productive now (when I am not busy with all these kids!) I am hoping that this break will be good for me and help break me of my internet addiction! It's a positive thing (although I hope we can get some of our money back-I hae vowed to give more to others in need this year, but Comcast is NOT on that list!!)

Funny how God works. When you think you can't possibly make this or that decision, He gives you a little shove in that direction. I think it will certainly be good for us all, to not have the internet SOOOO easily accessible. Maybe it will help me with some of my "so much to do, so little time to do it in" problem I have lately!

Feeling better (both physically and spiritually)

2010-10-31T08:22:00.000-04:00

Physically, I am not still healed and not sure when I will heal, since nurse found that there is actually still this mystery tunneling that hasn't changed (she thought it had filled in, but found it again last time she was here). But I feel great. I don't have pain anymore, I have been able to be without the binder all the time now (which used to be incredibly painful). If I walk around a lot, the top part of it will get a little sore...but its nothing crazy. I can again take a shower without taping up my stomach with saran wrap and painters tape...thats a huge blessing. Besides having the nurse come every 4 days or so and needing to wear a bandage over the open part, its not hindering me at all. I feel so lucky.

On a more important level, spiritually I have been feeling down about how one side of our family has basically dumped us for having Ansen. It's hard to understand, how and why this could happen. How my sweet baby boy that we all fought so hard for, that fought so hard himself, could be a catalyst for such bitterness and negativity to others. And as positively as I try to live, this has really taken a toll on me at times. But after talking to some other likeminded Christian moms, they have encouraged me and brought me back to the right path. First, I will appreciate that we don't have to be surrounded by that negativitiy, that we don't have to allow our kids around that negativity. I need to stop feeling bad that we are excluded from all familiy events, bc even if we did go, it would be a negative environment for us all. God isn't surprised by any of this...he is very well orchestrating the gift of distance to protect our hearts. We have so many blessings in our life, and I need to concentrate on those blessings and continue to let our family shine and be a light of love and purpose . I am not going to let poison that has unfortunately entered our family enter into our own lives anymore. And most importantly, as hard as it is, I will pray for them. Pray that one day they will find their way back on the right path, that they will see Ansen as the blessing that we see every single day. Thank you God. Thank you for the amazing people we ARE surrounded by, both family and friends. Thank you for my sweet, caring husband. And thank you for this.

There is my heart, laid out in 6 different forms in this picture. Thank you for each and every one of them. Thank you for the joy and laughter they bring to our lives, and the life lessons they inspire each and every day. Thank you.

Soul-full eyes

2010-10-24T21:30:00.000-04:00

When I look at these soul-full eyes of Ansen, I feel many things, including:

A. the feeling that I have known him forever (and not just this last 4 months)

B. the feeling that he still has much to teach me

C. the feeling that I am so incredibly joyful that I was able to see beyond the most fearful of times, and can now gaze at these amazing, soul-full eyes of his day after day after day

getting an award for....

2010-10-21T07:40:00.000-04:00

being the world's slowest healer. Thats what my nurse says anyways. So maybe being completely healed in one week isn't in my cards. I am healing at a snail's pace here. Haven't made much improvement in like 5 days. I don't know why this is for sure, but I have my guesses its bc of two things A. I am not eating enough protein (I try to eat protein at every meal, but there is only so much protein you can eat before you start feeling like you are eating an Atkins diet) B. I am breastfeeding and Ansen is stealing a lot of the good stuff from me. Yesterday I tried to fix A. I ate 4 eggs for breakfast. Lots of lean hamburger (mixed with onion, corn and brown rice) for dinner. I just don't know how to get any more protein then this though. I am sick of protein. Been trying to base my diet on protein for 4 months now. Blah. As for B, well its not going to be fixed, for now anyways. Me healing up quicker isn't worth more to me then Ansen having the extra immunities he needs with his weakened lungs. So if it takes me a month to heal from something that I should heal from in a week....so be it. I had to evict him out before his lungs were ready, and now I need to at least help him stay as healthy as I can, even if it means I will have to deal with this that much longer. You gotta do what you gotta do. *sigh*

smiling bc

2010-10-18T18:04:00.000-04:00

I am peeking in on my blog, typing with my left hand while holding a baby in my right hand. And I am not wishing my hands were more free at this time...greatly appreciate them being busy with baby. My life is insane, so crazy busy and makes you want to pull your hair out at times, but boy do I LOVE being a mom to 6. Thank you God for my 6 children and for my sweet, loving, hard-working husband. And for all those gorgeous leaves we saw today on our family ride. Feeling so grateful and thankful.

up, up, up

2010-10-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

Things looking way up!! FINALLY!! Fluid has decreased and has stopped pooling up in my abdomen since my nurse starting lightly packing it. Got to take my 2nd shower today in about 4 months where I didn't have to cover my stomach with plastic wrap and tape. I just have a small opening, right where my belly button was, and eerily enough, it looks like a belly button for the time being. Anyways, small update. Time for church!

sigh

2010-10-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

Today my nurse was here, taking care of my wound (visiting nurse time has become a normal part of our schedule after almost 4 months) and she mentioned that the drainage was a little more greenish brown toda, so of course, I asked if that was bad. And she said "this is nothing like the green you had before, this is an ok green, not like the massive infection, you could have easily gone septic and died green of before". Of course, now I am just deep in thought. Like having my life threatened once with placenta percreta wasn't enough, I then had to go get this massive infection that could have easily/silently killed me. I am so thankful that everything turned out in my favor, but it still deeply affects me as I process all this. Its kind of like how you feel if you were standing on a train track and the train stopped RIGHT before it would have hit....like centimeters away. And then you get over the shock of that, only to find yourself on a road, where a truck JUST misses you as well. I used to hyperventilate thinking about my own death one day. And then I had to face the possibilit of it this pregnancy. Not that I look forward to death, I certainly want NOTHING to do with it for a long while yet....but it changes you when you go from thinking you are young and invincible to suddenly realizing that no matter who you are, how you feel, what good you do...it can just sneak up on you with lightening speed. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. You can beg and please and try to bargain and cry and pray....but if its your time to go, then thats that. It wasn't yet my time to go, I have work to still do in this world. It has changed me though. *sigh* .

thoughts, lots of thoughts

2010-10-05T22:46:00.001-04:00

I am lately thinking back a lot, thinking about this journey. Reflecting. It feels like its been a whirlwind. But the emotions are still right there, just slightly below the surface. I only need to slightly stir up the light dusty top layer, and the memories of it all come flooding back to me. Today I had an ice cream sandwich. Yep, such a significant event. Aren't we all glad I shared. But the last time I had an ice cream sandwich was when my mother in law brought 2 huge boxes of them. Back when I was pregnant.. Back when I didn't know what the outcome would be. As I ate that ice cream sandwich, I remember how I felt the last time I ate an ice cream sandwich. Or three. And I got a big lump in my throat. Yep the last time I had an ice cream sandwich, I actually ate three of them in one day. I figured "maybe these will be my last three ice cream sandwiches I will ever have...and I will enjoy them til I am sick of them".  Yeah, I know that is gluttony in its finest. And no, they didn't even taste that good...not as good as three ice cream sandwiches SHOULD taste. But thats besides the point. As I sat there today eating my ice cream sandwich, I remembered the fear and the sadness and the trust I had in God that I was doing what was right still. How is it that that moment was like 5 months ago, but suddenly feels like only yesterday when I actually remembered it. I think I will feel those flashbacks forever. Living a life, fearing the unknown, but trusting its path nevertheless. Its a strange feeling. It's the kind of feeling that catches your throat, makes your shoulders feel like they weigh a million pounds...yet your heart remains light and airy and hopeful. Yep, a strange feeling indeed.

When I have the time to sit here and quietly reflect on things (usually car rides at night, when 6 children are soundly snoozing in their carseats in the back), my mind ALWAYS brings me back to this one moment of time. Right before surgery. When I was about an hour before finding out what unknown future lay ahead for me. I had kissed my children goodbye that morning, and didn't know if that was the last time I would see them on Earth. I was sitting in a hospital gown (would this be the last thing I ever wore?), with two IVS and talks about my central line and arterial line that were going in next, with MANY doctors hustling and bustling all around me. And at this moment, they all walked away in discussion. And I sat there deep in thought and worry. And then there was JOY. Great joy. I felt content and at peace suddenly. And all I could think over and over again was "We WON God. We WON!!   You WON!!" The fact that I had managed to somehow stay strong and make the right decisions at a time when all the wrong decisions would have made my life SOOOOOOOO much easier. That God had wanted Ansen to live and we had fought for his life and now he would live. That we had changed history now....Ansen's lifepath would be broad and affect many. And it shouldn't have been, with all the challenges we had faced. Especially those at the beginning of the pregnancy. The inexplicable joy I felt at a time when I should have been screaming out in fear. God was with me at that moment, letting me know He was pleased and proud. I am sure of it. He filled me with that peace and joy...the peace and joy that made it possible for me to take the last step and say goodbye to my husband and be put to sleep. And it wasn't that I was suddenly convinced that I would surely live. Because I wasn't. But I knew that we had won still, even if I didn't make it through the surgery, it was STILL a victory. Because I had been able to look Up and seek God, even when I was at the lowest of lows. And I was able to make decisions from the heart and not out of the numbing, paralyzing fear that followed me the entire pregnancy.

You know why this is one of those most joyous moments that I like to fondly think back of?? Its not soley bc I am proud of myself (although I am proud of the clear decisions I was able to make at the foggiest times of my life). But really, what made it truly special is that I felt a little bit of God's heart that day. The joy that poured out of my heart and soul and body as I lay there, waiting for a life threatening surgery was most certainly God inspired and God gifted. 4 months later, I can still feel it on my heart, although its not as strong of a feeling as it was that day, its still just as impressive to me. It gives me a high to think about. Even if I am never allowed that tiny little glimpse into God's heart again....that scream it from the rooftops, floating in the sky joyous feeling again....well that moment I did have will still be able to sustain me for a lifetime. And when things feel down wound wise, or eating an ice cream sandwich sends one of those feelings right to your gut, well its time for some quiet time. Holding a sleepy baby, closing my eyes, and just reminscing. About the hour before my surgery. That feeling.   That joy. We won! I am still trying to win for you God. Although some days, I most certainly focus too much on my self and my struggles. And I need to let got of the "me" and have more of a team mentality. Our team is winning. I may have contributed one grand winning plan, but the game is STILL on, yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I am still needed to play. The game is far from over!

Off to go snuggle in bed with a sweet, little blondie of mine. Ready to listen to those small whispery breaths of sleep around me, while contemplating my "next move" for the team's sake, and I might just close my eyes and savor that moment in time, that moment in joy...just one more time today. Good night!

Appt tomorrow

2010-10-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

FINALLY get to get these darn sutures out. After almost 3 weeks, my skin is rejecting them majorly, and my skin is starting to rip. Wicked cool. My "wonderful" wound care dr didn't seem too bothered by that fact last week though, *sigh* We will see what he says about the wound fluid and all, Its lessened thankfully, and the bottom of my stomach is much less swollen, but I still have a hole in my stomach, where my belly button used to be. Its opened back up in that area and it goes straight down a good 3-4 cm. Kinda discouraging, as I have mentioned before, since this surgery was supposed to end all, not give me another big hole to heal up. 1 step forward, 55 steps back. But whatever...what can I do now but just hope and pray that it heals up, and that I can avoid a dreaded abscess again. Still have yellow/tan wound fluid, which makes me nervous, but the fact that it has lessened has given me a *tiny* bit more hope. Emphasis on tiny. We'll see what happens with this all tomorrow.

Ansen has yet another cold. And mysteriously, he is the one to show symptoms first. Where are we getting these things, since we rarely go out in public places these days. Thankfully he seems pretty comfortably and its not including a croupy cough like last time. Today is day 2 (or is that 3) and he sleeps awful at night, wakes up a million times, but I will take take it. Its nice to see him having a normal time with a cold. I cancelled his 4 month appt yesterday bc he was sick and I KNEW they would harrass me that he was perfectly fine to get shots, even with a cold. I hate that they do that....that they make you feel like you are abusing your child if you dare want to wait til your child is healthy before bombarding their bodies with vaccines (and as it is, I only let them do 2 at a time anyways). So much easier to cancel the appt then fight the harassment! So as soon as I feel he is good and healthy, I will call back and reschedule another 4 month appt. I know they think I am one giant inconvenience, but so be it! I could care less if he catches up to where he is supposed to be in their one size fits all vaccination schedule.

So thats where we are at. Just can't wait to get these sutures out! Every time I get up or move, it feels like I am ripping things apart in there. Augh. Will update tomorrow when I hear more from this doctor of mine.

Deja Vu

2010-10-03T14:20:00.000-04:00

So now I am having large quanities of yellow wound fluid coming out of this small hole in my stomach. And with my lower stomach swollen still. Well, I am getting some major deja vu. This is exactly like what happened with me the first time around. I felt good (besides incision healing), but had this massive amount of wound fluid coming out. And its happening all over again. Do I have a new abscess in there?? I am mad and I am sad thinking about the possibility. Mad bc I was supposed to be almost through with this journey and sad bc I am a crappy mom when I am in pain. I have already thought about how the heck I will be able to continue bf'ing through many more surgeries and pain. And pain=percocet=half with it mom, who plays movies for her kids all day bc I am trying to deal with the effects of the percocet, which I have no option but to take bc the pain is that much WORSE then that. I am homeschooling. This would affect that as well. IT'S NOT FAIR. But life isn't fair. I am praying that this doesn't happen again, it brings me to tears thinking that its a distinct possibility again. But I am helpless, in that I have no control with what my body does with this now. I had a choice to turn down the last surgery....but the dr sold it as the end all surgery, and bc I wasn't patient enough to wait it out just a little bit longer, I made the wrong choice. My heart screamed not to do it, but my head told me that if I shaved weeks off my recovery, wouldn't that be swell. And so I went through with it.

Today I was sitting in Church, thinking of all this of course. And wondering what God wants of me through all this. Obviously I am supposed to share Ansen's story. But what role does the potential of extra, extra suffering play in my testimony. Perhaps I haven't appreciated enough? Perhaps I haven't shared enough? Is this the work of Satan? No matter how hard Satan *may* play a part in compromising my journey, I will never, EVER utter the words that I wish I hadn't gone through this. I don't welcome pain, I don't welcome suffering, but bringing this new life into the world WAS a worthy endeavor, worthy of all the hell I have had to go through, worthy of any future hell I may still have left to experience. I have changed the big picture. Ansen has this lifepath now, of people he will touch, and Ansen's story will touch many others. So much good has come out of A LOT of very bad circumstances. I may feel like I can't do this all over again, but if I have to, I will. Begrudgingly, with sadness and madness, but it will still have its worth...worthy of much more then money or gold. He is still worth it. He will always be worth it. All of my kids are similiarily worthy. They WILL change the world; in that they will touch people in positive ways, as I hope to have done and continue to do. I am fighting a winning battle (as hard as it is some days to accept with this wound), as is my family, as is much of the world. Ansen's birth was a victory. His story is a victory. Our story will be a victory. Just not sure of when/if there will be a definite ending to some parts of it...

Just not liking the direction this is going at all....

2010-10-02T07:55:00.001-04:00

My body is pouring out this yellow wound fluid out of that small hole in incision. In wound fluid world, yellow is NOT good. Its supposed to be pinkish, and was up to yesterday. This is JUST LIKE the start of this whole nightmare. Exactly the same. And only a couple weeks after this started last time, I had the CT scan that showed the huge abscess that had formed under my skin. I think this whole disaster is starting all over again, but just a different part of my stomach. My nurse comes in 45 minutes to reassess (ON HER DAY OFF might I add). She is very concerned. And she called my dr and he is like "oh thats allright, its to be expected". NO, it was not to be expected. When he told me I needed this surgery, he told me I had a 1-3% infection risk, and that he would put the skin together, I would get sutures out in 10-14 days...and that would be that. He sold me this surgery as the final end. And inside me screamed not to go forward with it...I thought it was so weird that I was SOOO uneasy about this surgery...but I ignored it bc it was "supposed" to be the end all surgery. I can't imagine if they end up doing another CT scan, find another abscess, have to debride a new part of my stomach and I start this recovery nightmare ALL OVER AGAIN. It took me 2.5 months to get to the point where I was just about healed. I can't do another 2.5 months of new open wounds and pain and all that garbage that comes with it. I dread having my nurse come today. She said if things seemed any worse, she would have to send me to the hospital. She is not happy with my dr at all right now. She was apologizing to me on the phone, telling me she hoped I knew she was trying as hard as she could. She is my only real advocate it seems, and her pleas are falling to deaf ears. It just sucks all around. :(

Life is moving all around me. Kids are running around house and playing like usual. Dressed in their soccer gear. Ansen still eats every 2 hours. Doug needed just a little more sleep. And here I am, deep in my thoughts and worry. If this goes in the direction it seems to be heading, I will be the one that has to suffer yet more, all the while needing to juggle another wound/discomfort/pain with carrying on with life. I have a husband that can't take any more time off of work this year. I have 6 kids that count on me, as their stay at home parent. Its this whirlwind around me. Please God, don't let this happen again. PLEASE!!!

Things not looking swell again...

2010-10-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

Drainage went from pinkish to yellow/tan (NOT good) and the bottom of my stomach below this wound nightmare is now red, swollen and warm to the touch. Nurse thinks that wound fluid has been collecting down there and my body can't absorb it nor does it have anywhere to get out. Honestly, if I have to get cut open again, in a new spot and heal for many months again, I don't know if I have the strength to make it through again. I know the pain and the hell I would have to endure, its way too fresh in my memory. Please pray that this can be taken care of more simply...somehow. Waiting for nurse to call back once she talks to wound care (who have been very laid back about this from the start-do they not remember what I have gone through this last 4 months.) WHY can't I get a break with this wound? In 2 days, it will be 4 months since my surgery. I am feeling very lost today. :( :(

Fall has NEVER been so beautiful...

2010-09-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know if its bc of what I went through this last year or what, but I can't keep my eyes off all the amazing trees, thanking God for the vibrant colors all around me. My new favorite colors are orange and red!!! It takes my breath away; the bold yet comforting palate all around me. We went for a ride the other day so I could get some of my (knifty) knitting done, but I couldn't keep my eyes off those trees and those amazing autumn leaves. I guess I never really took the time to just take in the beauty of them before...always so busy, and so preoccupied by that upcoming winter quickly following fall. This journey of mine has slowed me down, in not so great ways, but also in good ways like this. The fact that I can suck in the splendor of those warm colored leaves, sharing the joy of it all with my SIX kids and my husband-well its an amazing gift. Each day is a gift to me. Those leaves are a gift to me. The cool weather (that BETTER come back soon) is a huge gift to me as well! So incredibly thankful for it all!

Last year at this time, the VERY beginning of Ansen was on its way to being created. He began his journey and fight for life, as I began mine. All around me were these same gorgeous leaves I was too preoccupied to notice. Ansen's life has been a gift to me, as this journey has been a gift to me. I am a changed person bc of it, and I appreciate that I was given the gift to "see" the world with different eyes. No time to be too busy making plans for tomorrow-each today is a day that needs to be celebrated and savored. And we have our days where I wish for that tomorrow, no worries....but in the grand scheme of life, too many of us spend too much time worrying about the tomorrows, when the todays are the most precious and fleeting. Just like those autumn leaves. I need to take in the beauty of those leaves today, bc tomorrow they might be nothing but a pile of dull, brown leaves on the ground..nothing but a memory. Thank you God for the beauty of my life, the life of my children and my husband, the beauty of my family and friendships, and the beauty of New England and its foliage. I am thoroughly enjoying those leaves, as I also try to commit to memory those vibrant reds and oranges in the fall themed scarf I am slowly but surely creating!

P.S. God, if there is any way that Ansen could take a teeny, tiny nap once a day so that I could finish that scarf before NEXT fall, I would really appreciate that as well. ;)

In mostly better spirits...

2010-09-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

Headed off to Church yesterday for my first real Church service since March, when the bleeding and bedrest occured. The pastor mentioned Doug, Ansen and I in the joys and pointed over to us, which was a *tad* bit embarassing of course. I totally appreciated the sermon (which was actually very fitting bc it was something I had been talking to Doug about this last week -why many not so good people in the world are rewarded with good, rich in every way, easy, lives while there are those of us that are bombarded with all these trying/daunting issues over and over again). Weird how that happens how the sermon can just speak to you and answer you in that way! The music was great like always, and then I had my chance to pray silently and I simply asked God to please help me view/experience whatever journeys I have left in a positive way. I don't want to feel so bitter and pissy about the way things have gone on. And I think it worked. I came in to church in a foul mood and left with much more hope and positiveness. I can't dwell on the decisions I wish I had made last, last Friday, but just have to take on any new challenges that we may or may not now face. I have to remember the big picture of it all. The one God can see and I can't, although I am ALWAYS hoping for just the tiniest peek. Ansen and I are both alive, here together, surrounded by our family and friends. I can't have things always go my way..and I need to understand that and just appreciate that more has gone positively then negatively.

As I was sitting there in Church, I realized that God most certainly sent my visiting nurse Heather to take care of me through all this. She is mostly a pediatric visiting nurse, but does *some* postpartum stuff. And thankfully she took on my case, and has been through thick and thin with me. She is the one that has done all the hard work-the one that fights every day to continue to keep me infection free and get me healed up. She has 4 closely spaced kids herself, 8 and under...and she completely understands what this wound has put me through. I am just so thankful to have her right now. This last week, she has working hard on this new wound inside, trying her best to keep it clean and healthy, hoping really hard that I can heal before any infection can set in. And sometimes I feel bad that she doesn't get to spend tons of time with her kids because of her work schedule-that people like me keep her from extra time with her family; but she is most certainly been doing God's work, helping me and others in the way she does. She has certainly been an angel to me, especially at the lowest of times, always working towards the positive. Thank you God for always caring for me; even at times when I have felt so alone, I realize that You have others around me to carry on Your work and Your love.

Another update

2010-09-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

Although I don't know how many people really read here on a normal basis, I guess this has become my place to rant and rave about how unfair this is. I was hoping that maybe some miracle things would heal up instead of spiral downward. Nurse came today, squeezed a heck of a lot of junk (aka wound fluid) out of my abdomen, then took her sterile q tip to measure how far this thing extends to see if there was any improvement. Well of course not, it actually extended FURTHER. This just majorly sucks. I know where this is headed. I have been here before. I think its worse knowing just exactly I would be getting into now, having to have my stomach cut open and debrided, and then dealing with wound packing and changes and I am sure the mention of wound vacs. To have to go through ALL THAT again, for many months. I just want to cry thinking about it.

I am praying that it won't keep heading south. Praying and begging God. The night before, I told Satan to leave me and my family the hell alone (just in case this is his doing). Every day, I am dreading the nurse visits....just waiting for the visit where things change for the worst. Nurse said today that dr said that if I get a temperature or wound fluid changes, I am to head to the hospital. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I know, I know life isn't fair. Suck it up Melissa. Get over it. You are alive. And I appreciate that. And I thank God for that just about every moment I remember to. I thank God for Ansen and my other children and Doug and the world around us. I think its cruel though-for me to get to the point where I was feeling normal...to the point where everything had healed up but this little, tiny part....to the point where I could see the end in sight. The joy I felt. And now its been replaced my dread. And fear that I might not make it through this a second time, if that's the journey I am meant to take. :( At the beginning of the year, I wrote a post about how 2010 was going to be OUR year to shine. And its been everything but that. It's been the worst year I have actually ever experienced. Many times, I didn't even think I would make it out of 2010 to 2011. WHY?? All I want to know is why...what we did to need to go through all this.

Still hoping really hard that we can avoid going down this same, horrible road again. But I gotta tell you-hearing that that sterile qtip extended even further into my middle this morning stole that much more of my hope. And the sutures that are starting to rip through my skin, as my body rejects them-well that was a bonus to my mood. Not that sutured skin matters much when there is a potential infection brewing underneath. Just gives them a line to guide them where to cut it all open again.

Please God, be with me. Send some hope and peace my way. Please!

Disturbing book I am reading, to go along with everything else....

2010-09-23T20:49:00.003-04:00

In blogs I read, so many people recommended to read the book Radical: Taking Back your Faith from the American Dream. That it would be eye opening/life changing/truly inspirational. Although I agreed with the preface of book, upon reading it (I have gotten about 1/4 way through) I have found it to very discouraging. So much so, that I don't want to read anymore at this moment. That God may love you, but he loves Himself more...and that in the grand scheme of things, things may and will happen for His ultimate good rather then your own personal good. And I know this sounds like I am being selfish here, wanting my own good here as well, but I have spent 30 years thinking that our good IS also God's good. Just like if my kids act in a good and riteous way, then I am rewarded with my pride for them. But instead, this book states that in the grand scheme of things, God cares about Himself and His glory first and foremost, and we play second fiddle to that. Of course, wrong book to read when you keep having one thing after another going wrong for you, after acting out in a way that you hope has glorified God and his creation (Ansen).

I don't want a medal here, but I have tried really hard to live the life that I feel God has lead us towards. And I have always had the mindset that God cares deeply for us, and that negative in one aspect will ultimately lead to some other positive aspect later in life. That God can see the big picture when we can't, and that I solely need to trust Him and do my best to live out a good and faithful life, exemplifying His love for us. But I am beaten down right now...and suddenly I start thinking maybe the book is right. What good is all this suffering doing for me? Have I been forgotten for God's other newer projects? Cast aside once God received His glory for Ansen's story? I have been through hell and back. I had to go into a surgery, knowing full well that I might be giving up my life for my son's....that I might not see my other 5 children or my husband or even meet my own baby for a lifetime. Then to have 4 months of painful healing, painful surgeries to deal with. And then to be *this* close and poof, back to square one. How is it in my best interest to continue this on and on...and on??   Where is the good that is supposed to come out of this?

I am sitting here, with my abdomen burning like crazy from both sides (which is probably bc the inside is filling up with wound fluid, swelling a bit and pulling on sutures-but no worries, it will pour out of the hole I now have as soon as I lay down to go to sleep). I love Ansen so much and would never change what I had to do to bring him life bc I truly believe he is meant to be here, but why is it that it seems that in this life, the good are rewarded with bad and the bad are rewarded with good.  If I had terminated his pregnancy, my health would be great, our finances would be dramatically better (weeks/months off and FMLA have pretty much left us behind on everything, with little hopes of catching up til tax time). And perhaps I could have gone on to have a less troubling pregnancy after the fact. But that is not what I chose, bc I don't believe God creates any life as a mistake. I don't ask to be rewarded with money and gifts for all I have been through, all I want and have begged for is my health back.  I want a closed abdomen (that is truly closed and not just closed at the surface). That is all I ask. I feel like any other issues we deal with in life (money issues and such) are petty in comparison to this. I don't have the kind of life that affords me 4+ months to recover from surgery.   The meals stopped coming to our house the day I delivered Ansen, there are no helpers assisting us with the daily tasks of keeping this house running anymore (and that does not even include cleaning, which I gave up on a long time ago). I can't keep going through infections and surgeries and pain when I have 6 children that count on me as the stay at home parent. Doug is a few call outs from being fired from his job at this point-he has used any and all time off he could, as well as all his allotted FMLA. I am having a hell of a time keeping up with our homeschooling bc of this nightmare...and I love teaching my children.  When I am not dealing with nurse visits and doctor appts and surgeries and wound fluid pouring out of my abdomen, we have such a great time. I have had to give up on so many things I love to bring Ansen into this world.  And yet, it just continues to get harder and harder.

I was *this* close to the end with this wound, really excited and feeling like FINALLY some things might start looking up for us (or at least evening out). And then my wound dr tells me I need surgery to close up remaining, I trust him as the professional here, and now I will pay for it with another month or two of healing/pain/uncomfortableness. Where is the good in this situation? What could it possibly be leading me towards that would make this a worthy experience. It feels more like a torture-brought to my breaking point over and over again-only to be strung along slightly to make me think we might be turning a corner, only to crash hard again. And again. And again.

So should I continue reading up more about this Radical God, in this supposedly life changing book. Am I supposed to accept that I am nothing more then a chess piece in this game of life, and the loss of my piece is of little detriment to God? I don't know.   Like I said, I started reading this book bc I do believe so many people have made the American dream the focus of their life, putting God on the back burner til a "later" time. I don't question that this world has too many people focusing their lives wrongly on materialistic whims. I love a good shopping trip as well as anyone (good sale=the ultimate shopping high), but I have really tried to be more cautious on putting material things ahead of our spiritual path. I do try to act in a way that pleases God as well. And I have always been a believer that God will test your faith at one point or another, to see if you can stand strong when the going gets tough (to weed out those that talk the talk, but won't walk the walk when the going gets tough). Did I not pass the first 10 tests though?? Is that why we are at where we are at. Have I been forgotten? Or is this all the work of Satan?? Or what? I just don't know, but it just plain sucks. And not finding my supposedly inspirational read all that inspiring at the moment.....

Beyond discouraged right now.....

2010-09-23T12:34:00.000-04:00

Like our ongoing back luck would have it, things have turned south again. Figures. You know, I just don't know how much more I can take of all this. Why is everything so hard? When can I stop going through the hard????? It's sad but today, I am starting to wonder if I did something along the way to that really displeased God, bc it just doesn't seem fair we can't get a break. I am feeling broken. :(

Last night I went to bed like usual. I have been a bit more sore then at surgery, but everything looked great on incision still. At 1 am, Ansen woke me up to eat and upon sitting up, I noticed my shorts and bed were SOAKED. I was frantically scrambling to find my phone so I could what was all over me, I was terrified that it was blood. Finally I found and turned on my phone, and then found that it was a bloody fluid that was streaming out of the bottom of my sutured abdomen. I threw a pad on it and fed the baby bc he was really starting to scream by then, then went to further investigate it. I had soaked that pad in like 15 minutes and I was kind of freaking out, since Doug was at work and it was just me and the kids. I taped two more abdominal pads over it and tried to go back to sleep, feeling very sick and worried about it.

My nurse came this morning, pressed on my abdomen and fluid started and kept pouring out again. She took this special long, sterile qtip, and stuck it in to where the fluid was coming out. Yeah, I have a hole IN my abodomen. My last surgery before this one, I came out of my debridment with a hole that was 6 cm deep and 9 cm long. Well she measured and I now have a hole INSIDE me, covered by my sutured skin, that is 7.5 cm deep and 10 cm long. Since most of my skin is now closed, its pooling up inside me and then pouring out when it gets full. How awesome is that?? So basically I have this HUGE risk of infection again, due to this fluid sitting around too long and getting infected. Nurse is waiting for a call back from dr, but its looking like they will have to pack this giant hole inside me to keep it from not draining and getting infected, but all through this tiny hole left in my abdomen? Anyone remember how my whole infection started?? A tiny hole in my abdomen from surgery, where stuff collected up within me, became infected and just ATE right through all my healthy tissue. I can't believe I have gone through all this, just to be right back here. WHY did I go through with that last surgery to close things up and be done with it all. Seriously, I know you are supposed to trust your drs, but inside my head, I wanted to run from this surgery. I just felt like it was bad news and I told Doug that, but we talked it over and he said it all sounded like it made sense and we could finally put this past us and how nice would it be to have a closed abdomen. And of course, it did sound nice. I let that little voice screaming within me be quieted with thoughts of an autumn with a closed stomach.

This sucks. Plain old fricken sucks. No filters today on my language....It's just not fair!!! I went through hell and back to bring Ansen to this world. CAN I GET A BREAK NOW....PLEASE!!! Just waiting to hear back from my nurse as to whether we will start packing again, whether I will get to start having twice a day nurse visits (which would mean I would have to see that horrible night nurse again who gave me grief about going out in the van for rides-supposed to be 100% homebound, no ands, ifs or buts. Whatever. It all makes sense...you know, sense in the world that has been my life for too long-since spring was ruined, summer was ruined, why not fall be ruined as well. No rest for the weary. *cry*

To my maternal fetal specialist

2010-09-21T14:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Dr. Healey;

Well here is a letter a long time coming. I have thought about exactly what I would want to say to you after all was said and done many, many times before. How grateful I would be.   But I don't even think a simple thank you can express what I feel. Last November, my new ob/gyn looked at my 6 week ultrasound and said "you have no other choice but to terminate this pregnancy". She assured me I could have another one, that this one was simply "a bad one".   I was horrified. And I didn't agree right away to her insistance that I terminate, nor did I go about picking a method of termination that she then began to describe. And maybe bc of my look of horror, she did finally give your office a call to be sent in for a stat ultrasound at your office. As I left her office, numb and in shock-all I could do was to call out to God to please give me some glimmer of hope at this appointment. For God to give me ANYTHING but this. It didn't have to be much, but I couldn't face being told again that I had to end my baby's life.

I went in, had my ultrasound, and then a maternal/fetal doctor came in to talk to me. He told me that he didn't suspect that baby had implanted INTO c-section scar like other ob/gyn had diagnosed. But that he was very sorry, it looked like I was almost guaranteed a miscarriage, that sac was detaching and dropping-immenent miscarriage signs. It still didn't look good, but it wasn't the worst that it had been only hours before. This doctor spoke with a kindness and offered a sincere condolence. And he told me to make an appointment a week after to see what had resulted.   This doctor was you. I don't know if you remember this, but it stands out to me, bc it was the moment that my baby was given the tiniest glimmer of hope. I would leave the hospital with a baby that was still alive. Although it surely appeared fleeting, it meant that he could live, even if was only just a little while longer.  I didn't have to make a choice to end one of God's creations, something I didn't think I would ever truly forgive myself for, medical or not. You gave my baby time. And that time resulted in one heck of a journey and one heck of a fighter of a baby. He IS here today bc of you and that day.

The journey getting him here sucked majorly, I won't lie. Having to put your life on the line to bring one of your children into the world is not something I would wish on anyone. But when I found out you would be taking on the surgery, I felt great peace. You saved my child once and I knew you were meant to be the one that would bring him into this world-to officially introduce him to his well earned life. I couldn't think of anyone better to do that job. I am sure my case brought you many headaches, but I can't thank you enough for taking me on and setting up an amazing team of doctors for my very risky surgery-and of course for the life that my son now has bc of it.

My son now has an entire lifetime in front of him, bc of you. He will touch many people, friend many people, inspire many people, he will very likely marry and have his own children that will do the same.  A whole life path that was at many times threatened for various reasons.   A different day, a different doctor, and he might not be here today. He will know his story. I will forever appreciate his story. Thank you for making a difference in our family's lives. I don't think even a million thank yous would ever be sufficient to express our gratitude. Thank you, Dr. Healey.  Ansen Gabriel thanks you as well.

Sincerely, Melissa N and family

the beauty of going....

2010-09-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

from this...

to this......

to last but but not least....

Yep, it's a beautiful thing!!!!

Just when I thought I was done with the surgeries....

2010-09-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

AUGH. I went to my wound care appt yesterday and bc the two sides ending up healing on two very different planes, its going to take A WHILE for it to be able to meet up. The dr recommended surgery to fix that and finally close it all for good. Of course, the first thing I asked was about how much infection risk this surgery would be. Very minimal, like 1-3 % chance. He wants to open up the whole thing (but just skin-not my insides this time) and fix the entire thing. Augh. So I figured I had time to think about this. I asked my nurse this morning, and she is just nervous about infection like I am. Figured I had some time, with so much to think about. JUST got a call that surgery has been scheduled for........TOMORROW. Blah. I feel sick. I am not looking forward to cutting the skin open again. Not looking forward to pain. Or a whole stomach of sutures. Not looking forward to losing all the mobility I finally have again. I am so scared of any risks. I am nervous about potential for infection. Should I just wait it out another month plus, for this to heal on its own. Or have this surgery, and *hopefully* from what I have been told, have the whole area sutured up finally, no holes in my abdomen, no more packing needed, no more daily nurse visits necessary, and 2 weeks from now, I would get sutures out and all would be healed and that would that. Sounds tempting of course. Just worried. You would think I would be an old pro by now....five surgeries later. Whats another, right?? But it still worries me. I hate being put to sleep. And I don't have time to be out of commission anymore. Here's hoping everything goes off tomorrow without a hitch (if I don't change my mind and run away from the whole thing by tomorrow....) Blah.

Need to remember....

2010-09-13T17:27:00.000-04:00

Its been easy for me to feel so proud of what I fought for and how it all turned out. But in reality, I need to give the glory of it all to God...and sometimes I think I am giving myself too much credit and not giving God enough. My faith was what taught me how important Ansen's little life could be back at 6 weeks when I was told to terminate and my faith gave me the strength to continue on day after day....during the toughest of times. Everyone says "you were so strong, how did you do it?" Well without God, I would have surely failed. I would have thought of only me, me, me....and perhaps I would have found that none of this would be in my best interest. But instead, I appreciated and valued that God had created Ansen's little life for a reason....and He didn't create it, only to hand over the right for me to end that life. I knew I had to fight for him, bc who am I to say I personally know more then God's will. God's will lead us down many roads we didn't want to travel, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't trudged along the most difficult of travels. And all the time, I was never truly alone. It's a good feeling to know you have God on your side.

I am so grateful that God granted us this last little life....so blessed to have these 6 lives now to mold and shape into the people He wants them to be. I need to remember to give God thanks every hour of every day for the world around us/the people around me/for what we are lucky enough to have. I need to thank God for this changing weather, for the cool weather we are welcoming with open arms, for the pumpkins and the changing leaves and the tights and the sweatshirts and the scarecrows and soccer and a new baby that gets to see fall for the first time, myself getting to experience another fall (at times this last year I wasn't sure if that would be my future), as well as a husband and 5 other excited children, that are giddy with excitment for fall. I am thankful for another year to homeschool my children...another year to teach them and learn so much myself from their young, innocent minds. All of this brought to our family by God.

Totally NOT a patient person....

2010-09-08T22:48:00.001-04:00

Now that the wound bed is close to having filled itself in (a two plus month process), I am increasingly impatient for it to just finish its healing. Seems to have MAJORLY slowed down now. I am starting to contemplate getting a protein supplement, bc I don't know if I am taking in enough for me with this growing, eating all the time baby of mine (who weighs in at over 13 lbs now-go Ansen). Once the wound bed is completely filled in, then it will be a normal injury like if you cut open your knee....it won't need to be packed, and the skin will be able to find its way back together. My visiting nurse said its going to be a THICK scar the way its healing. I felt it for the first time (the top healed part) and I gotta admit its kinda creepy. First of all, its completely numb....absolutely no feeling whatsoever. Have had numb areas before, can't feel the whole bottom of my stomach bc of number of c-section. But then its all hard too....like doesn't feel human at all, much more like something synthetic. The scar tissue is very dense and fibrous from all the cutting and healing, cutting and healing it had to do, over and over again. This thing is at least 14 cm long, its just going to be freaky having this hard, numb feeling for the majority of my belly for the rest of my life (especially when one is used to a nice soft, squishy belly haha). But what can I complain about, right? I am here, alive, for my babies and Doug, and Ansen is here with us as well.

Thankfully this body isn't forever....although I would like to keep it for another 50 years if possible. My belly might be creepy and not something I ever want to touch or look at again, but I have 6 good reasons that will help keep my mind off my bellybutton-less stomach. 6 good reasons why it was all worth it. I would do it all again, for any of my children. We live in a world where its ingrained that you should put yourself and your appearance first and foremost. And although, I want to be healthy obviously, I have given up on having a pretty stomach....in fact, I have given up on having a stomach that looks even half normal. My stomach will look downright WEIRD for the rest of my life. If I cared so much, I could have tons of surgeries, and get back a dream stomach. But none of that matters. I am alive and here for my children still, and God didn't give me this opportunity to rebeautify this body of mine! All in all, I am hoping that my ugly stomach can help others see beauty and hope of God's work in our lives. It's been an amazing journey for my heart and soul, that's for sure!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-09-04T14:34:00.001-04:00

Sweet relief. I got some pictures taken of all kids together, and its such a nice AHHHHHHHHHHHHH feeling to see all 6 of the children we were meant to have, together in our pics. Nobody is missing. Everyone is there. Last year, we got pics taken of the girls together and the boys together, and when I looked at the pics, someone was still missing and it made me sad every time I looked at them. I never did put them up, bc it just didn't feel right yet. And now that everyone is here...together....I just can't wait to get these pics UP on the wall, to stay for a LONG time!!! This is MY family, all the children that we were meant to raise. Our family of 8. It makes me giddy that we are FINALLY all together, safey. Here are the proofs of my AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH pics. :)

Thank you God for completing our family, and getting Ansen and I both through this pregnancy safely. I could thank you every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, and it still wouldn't be enough thank yous. SO grateful for my beautiful family...and the chance I have to raise them, teach them, hug them, and love them!

Cardboard testimony

2010-08-30T15:57:00.000-04:00

Despite...

2010-08-20T21:52:00.000-04:00

the nonstop eating of my boy, and what many times feels like nonstop cranking out until he is eating, he has had some moments to show off his newest accomplishment-the SMILE!!! His smile makes my heart sing-nothing like seeing this gift from God smiling at me, reminding me of how worthy this battle has been. Not a day goes by that I don't appreciate what a miracle he is to me and our family!

I brought him in to pedi early this week, thinking he might be starting to have thrush, but was told that it was instead cysts on his gums. They haven't spread, so maybe the dr "was" right (I didn't believe him at first and was waiting for thrush to start spreading like crazy.) When Ansen got weighed, he weighed close to 12 lbs. Considering he weighed 10 bs, 6 oz 11 days earlier, I now have a pretty good idea of why he has been eating like a fiend, day after day, hour after hour. He eats VERY often all day now, and once 8 pm hits, he falls into a deep coma and sleeps for 6-7 hours. As exhausting as the nonstop eating is, I realize its for a worthy cause, and I appreciate that my nursing days are numbered. This IS my last baby and I am going to miss all this one day (right?? haha)

Wound wise, my primary visiting nurse came back from her 11 day vacation, and she said my wound looks fabulous, its much shorter and much of it is just superficial now. She thinks it won't be "packable" for much longer (there is only one deep spot left, where my belly button used to be...and thats only 2.5 cm deep). When my wound is too shallow to pack, then we will have to change my treatment plan to just having it covered and washing it off daily with showers. I could go for that (since right now to take showers, I have to use saran wrap and tape to tape up bandages and its actually not all that fun/I am certainly not willing to take daily showers but of course way more fun then the NO showers I was allowed with wound vac). My nurse also changed me to once a day (vs the twice a day I have had for like a month). It is so nice not to have to worry about night visiting nurses coming. Makes me feel a little bit more normal! I thought about posting a pic here on my blog of it now (vs. before) but truthfully, I haven't looked at it once myself (except for when it had the wound vac sponge in it way back when). I just prefer not to see it, but I have Doug tell me all about it after. I might have Doug take a pic now and save it, and then when its all close, I will post both pics (bc I KNOW everyone is dying to see what a stomach without a bellybutton looks like, I know I am curious myself). We'll see. Regardless, I am glad things are still heading in the right (positive) direction. July was such a horrible wound month, and August has been so much more positive. I am hoping September will be the month I am finally healed from all this!

The wound vac debate....

2010-08-15T09:21:00.001-04:00

I have had quite a few visiting nurses that are all gung ho about how wonderful the wound vac is, lamenting over the fact that I don't have one on. There is one especially that would be put in on right this second if I asked her. Every time I see her, she is all about the wound vac, telling me how I need it back on right away and why don't I have it on and why isn't my primary nurse advocating for it. I tried to explain the issues I had in the past with it, but she said everything looks so pink and healthy in there now and that means it should be put back on, preferably NOW.

Mmmmhmmmmm. It looked pink and healthy after each of the first 5 surgeries I had as well. And then they would put that wound vac on, and within a week (usually less), my wound was filled with deep layers dead, yellow tissue that necesitated another debridement. And those debridements would remove many cms deep of tissue, each and every time. So I would start to heal/have it all taken out/start to heal/have it all taken out. After the last debridement, my wound was 6 cm deep again (ike it had been from the start a month ago). In the last 3ish weeks since I have had the wound vac off, my wound has healed to less then half the size, all the tissue has remained pink and healthy, any little areas that starting looking "off" were taken care of immediately with use of the Dakins solution, and best of all, I haven't needed another debridement. No surgeries in almost a month.....its been glorioius! And I would want to put the wound vac on......why????

I am so glad my primary nurse is on the same page as I am in regards to wound vac. I only have these wound vac crazy nurses once or twice a week and its exhausting to try to explain why the wound vac may not be in my best interest (and then I am alway assured that that was then, and this is now...and it will heal up quicker with it-so better get it on asap of course). Yeah, I heard that before. My primary nurse advocates on my side about it, bc she saw the very bad I had to deal with it. She doesn't understand what the problem was, but she understands there IS a problem with me and wound vac, and her motto is 'if its not broken, don't fix it'. Dressings seem to be working/wound is healing fabulous now and I am just so grateful to have a primary nurse that is such a positive advocate for me-I am having MANY more days now that I can start to actually imagine I might one day be healed.

p.s. last night, I was watching one of my fav. shows, Boston Med, and when I went into my 2nd opinion and met with a dr. who told me that I should try going without the wound vac and see if I have any improvements (take a wound vac break)...well he was on Boston Med, assisting with the first ever face transplant in New England). CRAZY!!!

the most held baby in the world!!!

2010-08-14T09:16:00.000-04:00

Do I need any more proof?? When I put Ansen down (in the moments that I might need to use the bathroom, make something {easy}for dinner, etc), its a mad dash in regards to who gets to pick up Ansen. The kids are absolutely smitten with him, and usually a fight will break out over how Kylie held him 9 times, but Caden only held up 7, whereas Elise held him 8 times....yes, they keep track all day!!! Every one in this family appreciates that Ansen is a gift to us, and it makes my heart burst with joy when I see my bigger kids chilling out, with Ansen cozily snuggled in their arms. He feels their love. He feels all our love. He is surrounded by love.

When I started this whole journey, I didn't fully comprehend how it would affect us, adding this last baby to our family. Despite our challenges throughout the whole experience (and boy have there been challenges, to this day), Ansen is the dessert to our family, a sweet, delicate, savory dessert. I can't get enough of him. Doug can't get enough of him. The kids can't get enough of him. We are in love.

still nursing.....

2010-08-11T13:29:00.001-04:00

Its been hard, we have had many obstacles (23 days of NICU and 3 subsequent hospitalizations for me after the fact being the main ones) and I have stayed strong with it, despite many times I felt that quitting would be the much easier option for me. I have been told that healing might be slowed down by nursing and that I should really consider quitting just for that fact as well. I have wanted to quit more times then I can count. It's not easy pumping for a NICU baby for weeks. It's not easy feeding a baby while suffering an immensely painful wound and every position feels like torture...when pain at wound is so intense, you can do little but grip the handle of the bed/arm of couch and hope some pain will subside SOON (all while nursing a hungry little person that doesn't understand the pain his mama is in. It's not easy nursing a baby when you can't move easily and are on what feels like too much for too long percocet and ibuprofen daily. Its not easy nursing a baby when you start wondering IF your wound is hindering healing/IF it could be a possibility that not enough milk is being produced bc of wound. Its not easy nursing a baby on demand 24/7, with 5 other children 7 and under at home. None of it has been easy, I have had so many doubts.

And then I see this pic I took today. And my doubts are erased. My worries are eased. My wound IS healing. AND my baby is chunking up-LOOK at those kissable, chunky thighs of his!!! My sweet baby boy is sleeping about 6 hours in a row at night. Its been so hard, and now I am getting to the rewarding part. I wanted to quit so many times, but then I reminded myself that this is it since you can't have surprise babies after hysterectomies. There would be no more babies to nurse. No more opportunities to get this chance back. I felt like everything was going wrong, against being able to nurse, but still I kept on going, pumping when I couldn't feed my baby in the NICU, pumping when I couldn't be with my baby, having someone bring my baby to the hospital so I could nurse, pumping and dumping after 5 extra surgeries and antibiotics they weren't initially sure were safe, etc. Its been a long, hard road....gosh, this WHOLE pregnancy/deliver has been. But put another tally mark on our side. And another battle won!!

mourning at times....

2010-08-09T17:59:00.000-04:00

Not all the time, but many times, I mourn a lot of things. I mourn the loss of a last normal pregnancy. I mourn being pregnant and actually being excited about it without that feeing of dread I had this whole pregnancy. I mourn the hopefu positive birth experience I had hoped would erase my memories of the twins not so swell birth. I mourn that I didn't take any pregnant pics of myself this pregnancy, just bc of the negativity surrounding me. I mourn not buying anything with excitement before baby came (all bc I didn't believe he would actually make it here safely most of the time). I mourn not holding my baby for over a week after he was born. I mourn not being normal yet...still....9 weeks after his birth. I mourn the normal things of going out and living life like a normal person. I mourn the loss of my uterus at times (although I do not want anymore children), but MUCH more often mourn the loss of my belly button (even though I didn't particularily care for it when I had it).

But when I feel down and mourning this or that, I remind myself that all of these combined are much easier to cope with then the thought of Doug and the kids mourning my loss. Every day I am grateful for the gift of life I still am able to enjoy. And it means more to me then shopping trips and belly buttons. These days are especially hard at times (to be still recovering at 9 weeks), but each and every one is still a blessing. You don't realize how good the worst of days are until you have to face the possibility of the end of your days.

I was sitting there thinking the other day about the hardest moment of my life. The day of my surgery, when I was wheeled into the operating room, and I was breathing in that oxygen, waiting/dreading being put to sleep and I had no idea if those moments were to be my last conscious moments on Earth. And I think of that time as a time of beauty, although I mourn not having a *normal* birth, the love I felt for Ansen and my faith in God, giving me the strength to move on through my fear was bigger and more beautiful then anything normal could have been. Honestly, I tear up thinking of that one solitary moment of my life. It was terrifying, yet beautiful. I may mourn all these things above, but I also appreciate how they have made my life more meaningful and more faith based and more faith lead. And just plain beautiful.

Haven't had much to say....

2010-08-08T12:57:00.000-04:00

I kinda go back and forth on my mood and it seems like I have a lot of "feel sorry"moments that I try to avoid posting on here. I hate to complain bc I have so much to be thankful for. When I faced this surgery all I asked G od was to keep me alive for Doug and my children and God answered my prayers. Although I feel like a prisoner to this neverending wound, I am still so lucky bc things could have been much worse for me. And I can't complain about Ansen and the monitor and 02 for the cars and the meds, bc he shouldn't even be here in the first place after all he has gone through.

But I would be lying if I didn't say that I missed my old life. I miss being able to go out with my kids, I miss grocery shopping and parks and Costco, and just about everything else in the world I can't experience while sitting in the house, on this darn couch. The night visiting nurse is on my case (honestly, I think he is a touch psychotic) that I am to remain 24/7 homebound or he is going to report me to my insurance company and I will lose my visiting nurse care. Makes me feel like a prisoner. Like a felon when I leave the house to *gasp* go on a ride. And its not fair that I have to live like this, after all I have already had to go through this last 2 months. Can I please START to resume a normal life here now??? I put in my 2 months of hell, I just want to be able to enjoy the "normals" again, only this time with my SIX kids. When I sneak out of the house to do something normal (like go to my brothers for a cookout (where I am a good girl and do little but sit in a chair and feed the baby), I feel so happy and free and normal. But those days are far and few between for now, since I have to make sure I am somewhat homebound....I don't want to risk losing my visiting nurses, bc this is still a little bit more then we can care for. *sigh* Its all so difficult, this whole thing has been difficult, and maybe I am just a difficult *invalid*.

On the Ansen news, he is now 10.5 lbs, still eating all the time during the day and sleeping a good 6+hour stretch at night. Seems really early for him to be doing that, but I will take it. He also gave me his first real smile today. Made me forget how abnormal I still am right now....well at least for a few moments anyways. Gosh I love my baby boy, and I love my other five children so much. I just want to give them back our old life. And I want it back myself. Hopefully wound keeps healing as well as it is, its just a big wound and going to take quite some time yet. God, please grant me the patience to get through the rest of this sanely.

Update on things

2010-08-01T08:01:00.000-04:00

So dressings have gone REALLY well for me (vs the wound vac). A couple times so far, a smell has started and we were able to get rid of it right away with a dressing soaked in Dakins (bleach and baking powder solution).   The smell is usually indicative of some kind of bacteria, and the Dakins kills it quickly and efficiently, whereas with the wound vac, it would all marinate in there for days, seeminly killing my good tissue in that timeframe (since wound vac sponges are only changed every 2/3 days, whereas dressings are changed twice a day). My wound looks FABULOUS after 11 days after surgery, which is record for me. I am very happy with all that, although the wound vac people keep calling my nurse, telling her that I "need" that wound vac back on right now. Blah, whatever.

Above my wound, they stitched some skin together that is unfortunately not holding up as well. The stitches are ripping through my skin bc the skin is held together so tightly (a result from having so much skin and tissue taken out the last 5 debridments). The bottom stitch (on top half) is just barely there now. Holding on to the tiniest bit of skin left. My nurse told me to make it hold on, bc she has ordered me an abdominal binder to wear around my middle. The binder will take the pressure off those stretched areas and help them heal better. So I have been trying to get up/move around without using my stomach at all....let me tell you that getting up out of a chair not using your middle is almost impossible. It takes a lot of effort.

Ansen is still my snuggle bug. He has started having a cranky hour or two starting at about 630, and even nursing does little at those moments. The boy can SCREAM!! The only things that seem to help him
is someone walking him around for 2 hours (which my mother in law actually enjoys doing) or going for a car ride. I prefer doing the car ride, but Doug works most nights at that time. *sigh* And my mother in law is only over about once a week at that time, so most nights, I just kinda have to deal with the screaming.   If my mom is over, she freaks out and keeps telling me he needs a bottle. I know this shall pass, I remember fondly going through it with my other kids. Ansen had a wonderful day yesterday (besides that cranky 2 hours), we hung out outside and he watched his sisters and brothers play and contently snoozed quite a bit in the bouncer. He still eats all the time, and prefers to be held 24/7. I hold him on the couch at night after he eats and we sleep together this way (since he is on a monitor that registers any drop of o2, I am not too worried about this setup). Part of me can't wait til he will sleep next to me and not on me, but then I really enjoy the snuggles, and looking down at his face, with the peaceful content look he has sleeping.

Oxygen wise, he NEVER needs it at night anymore. His o2 sats stay at 95 or above the whole night (and day). Unfortunately, we still need the o2 for our van rides.   His o2 sats are all over the place when he is riding in the van (always while sleeping)....and they dip in the 80's often and alarm. I think it must be bc
when he is sleeping, his neck crunches up to the side and it must interfere with his breathing just enough. So every car ride he has the o2, but other then that he is o2 free. He has an appt with pulmonologist this Tuesday and we will find out what they are planning to do, they said they would try weaning something (hoping its some of these round the clock meds!!)

The kids still absolutely adore him and its always a fight as to who can hold him next. Kylie was holding him sleeping on her chest this morning, then Elise changed his diaper and outfit, while he calmly/serenely stared up at her, letting her do whatever she needed to. Then Gavin helped give him his med bottle and "bur burp" him. Then Caden was holding him for a few minutes. This baby boy of mine is well loved!    These sweet moments remind me of how worthy this wound is. It hasn't been easy, but its 110% been worth it for sure.

For 2 years....

2010-07-26T07:55:00.000-04:00

I hemmed and hawed about going for that 6th baby of mine. I did NOT want to go through another pregnancy and risk anything, when I had so much to lose. I just felt danger when I thought of another pregnancy (for good reason it appears). And some days I convinced myself to be happy with the 5 I had. I was sure of it. But then this little bit of doubt would creep in, as I would imagine this little person added to our family; this little soul kept pestering me, and I couldn't stop thinking about the reward at the end, and then I would become unsure again. Perhaps if I thought more positively, things could go more positively and I could bring this last little person in the world? But it felt like danger. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth I went. I have NEVER felt that way for any of my other children.

When I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was filled with joy AND fear. Wondering what the heck I had gotten mysef into.....and if it would be worth it. And after all this nightmare, after all the tears and heartache and paralyzing fear and sadness and pain and bedrest and NICU and hospital stays and surgeries and just plain craziness related to this pregnancy, I only have one thing to say.

HE WAS WORTH IT.

Every tear and every fear. Every surgery so far and in the future. Its strange to look at one of your children and know that you almost convinced yourself not to have him. And then you almost were convinced to terminate him. And then you almost lost him again to miscarriage. And then you almost had to deliver him at 26 weeks (which knowing his crappy lung status at 36 weeks, is terrifying to consider now). He shouldn't be here. Anyone who had half a brain would probably have stopped while they were ahead. But I followed my heart, hoped and prayed really hard, and we have not had an easy go of it for sure. But he is here. I just want to burst into tears when I consider him NOT being here with us right now. Not seeing the sweet little faces he makes, how he stares so intently at us, it feels like he is staring INTO us...at our souls. Not seeing how much my kids are smitten with him. Not being able to see how sweet Gavin is wanting to give him all his med bottles proudly, seeing how Rylan pats his head and calls him his Baby Ahhhnnnn. Not being able to hear Caden say proudly "mommy I LOVE my baby brudder so much". Not seeing Elise with Ansen cuddled on her chest while sucking her thumb, Kylie happily changing Ansen's little diaper while talking about the 4-10 kids she and Elise will have (so far named Vanessa, Lily, Michael and John at the moment). Not seeing Doug holding him, hearing him say that he is so happy that we added him to our family-that he is the perfect final addition. Not being able to hold him myself, smell his sweet baby smell, having him cuddle into my chest, as he happily and peacefully drifts off to sleep, with not a worry in the world.

I consider the other road I could have taken. The easier road. The far less painful road. The far less crazy road. Our life would probably be pretty simply right now, not having had to go through the last year of hardship. But my heart wouldn't be bursting with that happiness and fullness I feel, now knowing for sure I have all the kids I was meant to. I have that last baby, the one that shouldn't be here, but IS.... bc he really WAS supposed to be here, with us, in my arms, in our family, with his brothers and sisters.

2 years ago, I didn't know if it would ultimately happen. I didn't know if we could let that last baby in our hearts into our life. Thank you God for the courage He gave us to give it a try, and to move forward every time it seemed like we had nowhere to go but down. It certainly hasn't been an easy journey. But worthwhile? Oh yes. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just to bring him into our lives again; to complete our family, to see that joy in my children's faces, to see him cuddled in the arms of alll the family and friends that love and appreciate his little life as much as we do, to hear those little content sighs as Ansen lays snuggled into me. 2 years ago, I didn't know what true hardship was, nor did I know what true joy could feel like. And now......we do.

5th debridment done and over with....

2010-07-23T08:33:00.000-04:00

These surgeries are getting OLD!! This one was actually located in a new wing of the hospital, called "daystay". It was pretty nice there, compared to the rest, down in bottom floor of hospital. As I was being put to sleep the anesthesiologist told me to relax, that I was breathing "Hawaiian air". Its funny that I was terrified of being put under general anesthesia, yet here I am....haing had to have to general 6 times now since June 3rd. I am practicaly a pro now. When I woke up, it was definately 2 percocet worthy of pain. Headed home to be with my family, knowing that I had to spend the next day alone with the 6 kids, recovering from this, since Doug has used up ALL his time now.

The next day (yesterday), the visiting nurse came and she measured. Wound went from 17cnX7cm to 12cmX4 cm. It also went from 2 cm deep to 6 cm deep, thanks to all the debridding. Gosh, I hate the word and I hate what they do. They use scissors and scalpels and pretty much chop and slice any bad tissue away until its nothing but red beefy looking stuff. The heathy stuff. So they closed up a substantial amount of this BUT its covering basically nothing but a hole right now....they say that tissue will fill up and in now, eventually to top of skin that they closed. I wonder how long this will take. I keep eating my protein, drinking my water and trying to rest as much as I can. Was really hard to rest yesterday with Doug being gone and the kids being PSYCHO. I know they are just sick of this all, as sick as I am of it all. I had to take quite a few percocet yesterday and I was so drowsy and the kids were acting so badly....the morning was very overwhelming. I finally got the twints to nap, and Ansen to nap in my lap....had 3 big kids turn on a movie, and I was able to lay back and actually rest for a few minutes. Thankfully, my friend Jenn came over for the afternoon, to distract my psychotic kids and give me something to make the afternoon go by faster. It was a LONG day, filled with lots of percocet. And then Heather (visiting nurse) came back and said that one part of stitches looked like it was being really stretched (like that part could let go) and that I REALLY needed to rest as much as possible (which she admitted was the impossible task with all the kids). I have been really trying not to stress my stomach much, and I am hoping that part doesn't look any worse this morning.

This morning I woke up with no pain meds in my system and I wasn't in tears/clutching the arms of couch kind of pain, so that was nice. Definately still painful but some pain has subsided since yesterday. Might be able to alternate percocet and ibuprofin...the straight up percocet all day makes me so nauseous. I am alone with all the kids again-Doug is taking a fire physical exam.like an hour away. Can't wait til he is home, so I can really rest...but still many hours to go til he gets here. Ansen will only sleep in my arms now...I might have created a monster....but at the moment, its easier to have him right there anyways, so that I can take care of him without having to move around too much. Right now, he is napping curled up on my left side. As long as he is on me, all is right with his world and he will peacefully sleep for hours.

Throughout all this, no matter how difficult things have been, I have yet to look at Ansen and wish for the easier road. He was totally worth it. This journey has indeed majorly sucked at times (most of the time), I am sick of being in pain, tired of operation after operation, just longing for a "normal" life again. But then I look at Ansen, and he was most certainly meant to be here. He completes our family and he completes my heart. I am not in an easy place right now at all, but Ansen has his life bc of it and his life blesses/enriches my life so much. Just have to keep enjoying my blessings, throughout all the difficult moments (especially through pain-thats one of my biggest hurdles right now).

I just want to heal now and move on. I am hoping that our trial without wound vac will prove to be more helpful to my healing. Right now, Heather is packing the inside of this with sterile gauze and saline, twice a day. Here's hoping my tissue is not hindered by any more more dead stuff in there and it can grow, grow, GROW and fill in those areas that need to be filled in. What a blessing it will be to one day have an intact stomach again. I get giddy thinking about it.

*Thank you God, for helping me live through this all, so that I could still enjoy and cherish the world and people around me....all I ask now is to PLEASE help my body heal now. Thank you.*

2nd opinion at Brigham and Women's

2010-07-20T18:41:00.000-04:00

Well we got there and that place is crazy. Not sure if normal hospitals are like a million floors tall like that, but our home hospital is certainly not. We got very lost trying to find wound care. We FINALLY found it and went in, filled some paperwork and then I got called in. I explained everything to a Physician Assistant, and she took off sponge (holy pain, that thing was stuck to the whole side and had to be pretty much ripped off). In just 24 hours, the odor had returned and was stifling. We told the PA about the wound vac break we had taken this weekend and how everything had actually been going great then, and she said sometimes you need to take breaks from the wound vac for healing. Anyways, she had mentioned them *maybe* doing a culture, since the hospital sent me back with no records of any of those. Then we waited for the dr forever....and when he came in, he was very in and out. He said that he thought that our home hospital was doing a sufficient job and that we could our wound care with B&W, but that he didn't see why since in his opinion, they would do the same as them. I asked about the dying tissue and he said that this was probably already dead from the first infection (which I still don't understand bc they keep debridding it to the healthy stuff over and over again). Everyone keeps telling me that, that the dead stuff was already there. Its frustruating. I asked about the bacterias and cultures and he said they would only do them if I had pus coming out, and the brown drainage didn't count as pus. I asked if this was all normal then, and he said no, it was not normal, but neither is my wound. And that my body is reacting to the major abdominal trauma its been through, but its not surprising to him. So all in all, that was how it went. I kept crying a bit, bc I was just so frustruated to be hearing the same thing again. He asked if I had a plastic surgeon working with us, and I told him not that I have met/been told of. He reiterated that my drs appear to be doing the best they can with this type of wound and that it would just take time. The dr left and PA recommended that I might want to stop breastfeeding, bc my body is putting a LOT of effort into that, and its most certainly hindering my wound healing. Of course, breastfeeding is the one and only normal thing I have left after all this, and I am not ready yet (and not sure if I will be) to just throw in the towel with that. That kinda REALLY upset me...after all we have been through. She said that she would send a fax to my dr that they recommended a wound vac break from time to time. And that was that. I was a wee bit upset about all this, but I kind of figured this was how it was going to go. So we went to pick up our van from valet, and they said it would take 15 min. I just wanted to get in the car, but it never came. Doug went back 3 times to check on where it was. One hour later, they finally found the right people to get our van. They were looking in the wrong lot (since our 12 passenger van was in the oversized lot I guess-not where they were looking). Very frustruating.

We called our visiting nurse and she came over at 5pm, bc they didn't put wound vac back on and I needed the dressing changed. I honestly think she is the ONLY one that really gets this. She does TONS of wound vac changes and she says they never smell like mine...she was surprised that they were so laid back about the smell. All weekend she did the Dakins solution, and everything actually started looking better, there was no smell, drainage had gone back to pinkish-which is great, no spreading of dead area the whole time, in fact Dakins got rid of some of the dead stuff in there, and in 3 days wound shrunk by a couple cm. After 24 hours of wound vac back on, the smell came back with a vengeance, drainage was turning back to brown, and the dead area had now spread in size. We are all in agreeance that the wound vac doesn't seem to be doing anything positive for me at all right now, and visiting nurse said to make sure I talk to dr about this tomorrow before surgery. I am hoping I will see him, last time I didn't see him before or after the surgery. I don't want this wound vac back on me after the debridment...I really think it might be what is causing all my issues-don't know the science of why it might not be working, but this definately proves it to me (and nurse). She said talk to dr and have them switch me to dressings (Dakins if there is a smell, saline if there is not a smell). So hopefully I can talk to dr tomorrow before surgery and hopefully dr will agree to give me a break from the wound vac, give it a week of dressings, and see how my wound does with that. Wish me luck.

All in all, I was really bummed about 2nd opinion (although I was really expecting it to go that way), but maybe this weekend/visiting nurse experiement with vac off/dressings on has helped us come up with another potential solution to breaking this nasty cycle. Gosh I really hope so...I just need catch a break one of these days/weeks/months.

Will I get some answers at my appt???

2010-07-20T01:17:00.000-04:00

Less then 12 hours til my appt at Brigham and Women's. Will I get some answers, or will this be a big flop of help?? I am SOOOOOO afraid that I am going to go in, they will look at wound and say "well that all sounds normal" and send me on my way. *sigh* I just want answers and I want everything in me to stop dying. Nurse put the wound vac on less then 24 hours ago and its starting to get that same vague odor to it-the dirty diaper one thats never good. Its very faint, but thats how it starts. Will there be something newly dead in there when they take this off for that 2nd opinion?? Augh.

SO I got my medical records and they didn't even put any lab/culture results in there. I can't believe it...only one of the most important parts. I found written in a part though that wound culture: enterococcus and tissue culture: streptococcus for my 1sr hospital stay post hysterectomy. I am hoping that having those 2 bacteria names will be enough of a clue into this for now. Enterococcus (from what I have read) is VERY resistent in antibiotics. Wonderful. And my daughter all the sudden has strep throat, out of the blue. Is that a coincidence?? Is my body still fighting these bacterias?

getting through those why me's....

2010-07-17T19:49:00.000-04:00

*sigh* To go through a pregnancy dealing with placenta percreta is enough of a nightmare to last a lifetime. To have your baby intubated for a week and in the NICU for 23 days is tortuous. To have a baby home on meds every 3 hours, as well as necesitating monitors and oxygen is a challenge for sure, for the healthiest of people. And to have your entire wound opened up in surgery,to have it keep going bad on the inside, to have it continuously scraped out clean over and over and over again in surgery after surgery, to face a recovery of 6-8 weeks after you get the problems on the inside under control.....well I don't have words to describe it. And to deal with THIS ALL, one after the other...without a break in sight. Well, I can say its absolutely hellish....nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. Positively crushing. I try to remain positive and hopeful, but my spirit is breaking with this all. WHY ME? What have I done so bad to deserve all this horrible stuff to happen, one thing after another. I fought for Ansen's life and I can hardly take care of him by myself now. We have used up all Doug's FMLA time, he has no sick/vacation/personal time left after what we have ALREADY gone through. So now I will have to face future hospitalizations/surgeries/recoveries by myself, unless they fit into his work schedule. Well unless he wants to get fired that is. We had much help back when this all started....but truthfully 16 weeks later, just about everyone has disappeared now. Can I blame them? This thing is never going to end. I PROMISED my kids during the bedrest that life would resume back to normal quickly after Ansen was born. Now I wonder if there will ever be a normal ever again?? It's very discouraging. Why me? Why us? Why my family? Did we do things in our life that made us deserve this? I try to stay strong and believe that God will lead me through this...but I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I think God has forgotten about us here. When I tell people about our string of "luck", its almost laughable. I mean, WHO has this kind of stuff happen all at once?? One after the other after the other?? REALLY??? Everyone expects me to be the same person I was before all this. Well sometimes I have a hard time finding that person. I try to stay positive and look forward to the future...but every day when I am continuously slapped in the face by the pain of this-when I have to take meds first thing in the morning and wait a good hour to feel decent again, and the fact that I am about as useful as an invalid.....well the "why me's" come out more and more and more lately. And a little bit more of my positive optimism just *poofs* away. I have been trying to stay myself, looking forward to this 2nd opinion on Tuesday, hoping its my knight in shining armour....the hopeful light at the end of the tunnel. But what if its not? What if its nothing but another dead end? I worry about that, bc yet more hope will *poof* away. I worry about what nightmare we might have to face next, since good news doesn't seem to be scheduled into our lives at the moment. How could fighting for good (in my sweet baby boy's life) result in so much bad, one thing after another after another? It just doesn't make sense. But much in this world doesn't make sense I guess. God doesn't give you what you can't handle...so I have heard....pray that that saying is true for me and my family. Because we have been having to handle too much lately. We are all weary and feeling eun down. But how can I complain when so many others have to deal with so much other negative stuff in this world. My heart hurts for so many other's that are going through difficult journeys in their lives at the moment. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself? The why me's are certainly not something I enjoy feeling, not something I want in my life. I just hope that Tuesday IS the beginning our light at the end of the tunnel, so that we can once again feel some hope of normalcy one day....even if its no time soon.

heading to Brigham and Women's hospital on Tuesday...

2010-07-17T08:54:00.000-04:00

Well we have had enough. When Heather (visiting nurse) came yesterday morning, she noticed the smell and the fluid, and then uncovered wound from wound vac, to find two new necrotic tissue areas, both quarter sized. She said that she couldn't put the wound vac back on with these two areas, since she didn't want them to just keep spreading. So she came up with an alternate solution for the time being. And its time for a second opinion on this nightmare. I actually ran into the wound care dr yesterday as I was working on signing releases for my visiting nurse Heather opted not to put wound vac back on bc of it, and he seemed unphased. Actually said "Well these things take time" followed by " see you at surgery on Wednesday". I know how to be patient and such, believe me. But I don't think I have even HIT the healing stage yet. I have had this wound vac for 3 weeks, and all the new tissue I grow gets "debridded" or scraped out every time these necrotic areas show up. And this happens EVERY week. I asked the dr at my last appt why tissue keeps dying/going necrotic inside me and he said "I don't know". Isn't that something that we should be looking into at this point?? Wednesday would be my 5th debridment surgery since June 29th. That is less then 20 days.

So anyways, Doug called around to Brigham and Women's and Mass General Hospital (two of the BEST in the state-located in Boston). Mass General was actually not as friendly as Brigham and Women's, telling us we would probably need a referral and not to expect to get an appt for 2 weeks. Brigham and Women's gave us an appt on Tuesday, telling us to bring medical records. So B & W it is. I am nervous. Especially since I am "supposed" to have surgery the day after. I don't know if B & W is going to keep me there-really get into it and get some way more indepth answers or if they are going to simply concur with my doctors here.  Its 2 hours away from us, so I don't want it to be a wasted trip. I hope they will test new things and help us get this dying tissue mystery solved. I just want to heal. That is it.

When I went in to sign releases for medical records, I had to do several separate ones. One was for maternal/fetal medicine. I was sent to the desk, and then one of the nurses that cared for me came out and had me come in her office. She then asked what was up. I told her straight up that I am just looking for 2nd opinion to see if there is something we are missing here on this wound. I don't know if she was concerned I might be thinking lawsuit stuff or something, to pull me into office, but i really have no desire for lawsuit or money. I JUST WANT TO HEAL FROM THIS. I want to resume living life in a "normal" fashion. I am a crappy mom right now. I am a crappy wife right now. I am a crappy everything right now. All I can do is sit on couch all day. And then I sleep on the couch at night, with pillows to keep me mostly upright. I have to take pain meds every day, which make me drowsy and feeling a bit loopy at times. I can't even pull my kids into my lap for a hug. I can hardly change a diaper, bc its hard to sit upright.  My kids make a lot of their own meals (cold meals of course) when Doug is not home.   Cereal and sandwiches, almost every day here. I just want to be able to move around comfortably again (with a closed stomach), and be a mom and do my mom things every day.

So we will see how appt goes on Tuesday.  I don't know what to expect but just hoping for the best here.  Heather (visiting nurse) definately recommended going for a 2nd opinion as well, and she has been with us since the beginning. She has stopped the wound vac for now, and she is dressing my wound with a dakin solution, which is diluted clorox bleach and baking soda. Its supposed to kill any bacteria in there, as well as help remove some of this dead tissue. It sounds scary, but she called up several experts on the matter and they all recommended giving it a try. I was most certainly fearful of pain when she went to put it on my wound, but it didn't hurt (well nothing more then it already does 24/7). For the whole weekend (today and tomorrow) I have to have this solution applied twice a day...and we will re-evaluate whether or not I can have the wound vac put back on on Monday. Heather will be here in about 20 minutes and we can find out what a night's worth of the solution did to my wound.  Hopefully nothing but good....or at least with me staying the same. I will take that.

3 more days til we can hopefully get some more answers. Monday, I pick up my medical records and I can finally see all the different bacterias I have been growing inside this wound (back when they were checking at the beginning of this all). Just hoping that God will help lead me to the right people, so that I can finally get recovered from this and one day move on. That seems almost like an impossible feat at this moment.

I can't do this anymore!!!

2010-07-16T08:48:00.000-04:00

Brown coffee colored sludge is coming out of wound vac AGAIN and its starting to really smell AGAIN (like a bad baby diaper). The only thing that I don't have going yet is a fever. I can't keep doing these debridment surgeries over and over again. All they do is find more dead tissue...and yet no one is concerned why things keep dying in there. I won't let them remove anything else until we figure this out. This is absolutely ridiculous now. 4 surgeries AFTER my cesarean hysterectomy, and I am not even close to road to recovery yet. I am starting to lose faith in the doctors caring for me. We keep going through the same cycle and no one sees any problem at all with this, except me (and Doug...and mil, and some friends, etc). But my wound care dr still seems to think everything is going peachy. I haven't had any abx for weeks (except for a dose of IV vanco during last debridment surgery). I think there is something BAD in there, still killing tissue....and I am frustruated that my doctor thinks continuously dying tissue is fine. Thats what it smells like again here right now. I will put money on the guess that there is more dead tissue in there again. After they JUST scraped everything dead out last Friday....for the fourth time. Our wound care nurse is coming in 30 minutes and she always tells it as it is, and I KNOW she is not going to be happy by this at all. I don't know what to do anymore. We are trying to get a 2nd opinion at a Bostom hospital (Brigham and Women's and Mass General-both top hospitals in country). B&W said they could see us on Tuesday. MG said to expect weeks til we can get an appt. I want to go to appt on Tuesday, but I probably won't make it til then before I will "need" another debridment surgery. What do I do? I am scared I am ultimately going to die from this if we don't get a handle on it. I have months of recovery still left AFTER we get this whole dying tissue thing ever figured out. I am overwhelmed and discouaraged and having a really hard time with it all lately. This last few days. I am sick of being in pain, I am sick of having more and more of my stomach removed week after week, I am sick of having all this crap attached to my stomach 24/7, I am sick of sleeping on couch, I am sick of needing help to get up, I am sick of seeing the low grade fevers, brown drainage, smelling those bad smells. I am sick of going into the hospital/having surgery and then finding out a week later that none of it has done any good at all. God, I need you now, more then ever. I need you to lead me in the right direction, to the right doctors, to the right treatments, so that I can finally start recovering from this nightmare. Please God, be with me and help me.

2010-07-11T19:28:00.001-04:00

I had to go back into hospital on the night before Elise's 6th birthday. Brown sludge started coming out of my wound vac, and the wound started smelling again. I was so sad that this was STILL not over yet. I had Doug run out and get cupcakes for Elise, and we did a quick little birthday party for her, bc we didn't know if would be home at all that next day. Elise said it was the best birthday ever. She is just so happy, no matter what. We headed off to the ER and it was a madhouse there, but they got me in really quick, which was a nice surprise. I ended up seeing the dr I saw when I was 26 weeks pg with Ansen and in the hospital. She is pretty young with dark hair and she is just very sweet. She called oncologist and talked with her what to do and they decided to run blood tests, take out vacuum and put on a honey dressing (yep real honey) and wait til the morning til the wound specialist could take a look. She took off vacuum (OWWWWW PAIN...sponge was so stuck in there and she really had to rip it out). She said that almost all of wound looked fabulous, but there was a part at bottom that looked dark brown and not good (it ended up being that darn dead muscle). Yep, it was liquifying and making its way out on its own. So I had a room upstairs on the 6th floor of hospital....looked like something out of a Stephen King movie (usually I have stayed on the maternity part of hospital), but I got to stay with my baby and Doug, so all was good. The next day, wound care dr looked at it, agreed that it was just that dead tissue from before and decided to do next week's surgery that day instead. So I headed off to surgery pretty quickly. I saw a lot of familiar faces in the pre-op (i have been there way too often this last month) and they all remembered. Went through all the familiar put to sleep stuff and woke up IN PAIN! I normally don't hurt much after these surgeries, but it felt like my skin was on fire and in pain. I found out later that all the rest of the dead stuff was cleaned out and wound care dr wanted to put more back together then he did, but he couldn't bc the skin was just too thin the middle area. The parts he did get back together he definately had to stretch to do so and my skin was burning bc of it! For the rest, of it, I am going to have to have a skin graft to close. *sigh* Going to find out more about that Wednesday. I can't believe it can't close, but then again, after needing to take 2 percocet every 4 hours for the first 1.5 days due to pain, I can believe it I guess. The pain has finally chilled out again, and I only really need motrin for now. ALthough tomorrow is another dreaded sponge change augh, so I will be popping those percocet again tomorrow for sure. Above is stomach before and after July 9th. The after picture my stomach is even more swollen from the just happened surgery, I swell up like crazy every time they cut into it. *sigh* Besides that, it doesn't really look THAT much different from these pics hole wise wise. But from my view, hole looks smaller here. I hope its less painful with the wound vac change. I have visiting nurse coming tomorrow and then I go back to wound care center on Wednesday to find out the plan and have this sponge changed again. I HATE having sponge changed and I hate everyone digging in there. :( I just want everything to heal up normal sooner rather then later.

And my little chunky monkey now weighs 8 lbs, 8 oz and is content just laying with his momma all day and night, nursing and sleeping.

Wound care dr appt today

2010-07-07T13:17:00.000-04:00

Had the vacuum and sponge painfully removed (ripped out, since it was really stuck in there), and had my wound poked and prodded at. I can't even express how much I hate this part of the whole thing. So the Dr. came in and he pointed out that I have a muscle in there that looks like it died. Goodie. I asked what would happen with that, and he said A. it would liquify and cause problems/infection, cause that smell from before, and visiting nurse would certainly send me back to hospital or B. it would do nothing and healthy material would grow around it. With the luck I have been having, I am placing money on scenario A. *sigh* Right now, dr wants to leave it alone and give me another week of the wound vac, while hoping for the best. I have another surgery scheduled for next Thursday. At that surgery, they will most likely remove that dead muscle, any other dead material and they will close this hole up a bit more at the top and bottom, making for a smaller wound. I am kinda excited about the "making a smaller wound" part of the surgery. Not looking forward to more general, more pain, etc. But I will do what I have to do to one day get normal and recovered here.

Now I just have to hope that that dead muscle doesn't start up another infection in there. Its right there in the open, being looked at every other day, so they will know right away if it does. And thats reassuring I guess, as much as I hate having this all taken out and being poked and prodded in this sensitive wound area. Have I said how much I can't wait til this all a distant memory?? One step at a time....one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time....

Not for the weak of heart....SERIOUSLY graphic

2010-07-06T17:33:00.001-04:00

This is my before and after infection picture. It makes me sick to look at it myself. And who cares about belly buttons I know, but I miss mine...not that I ever really cared about it before. Just mourning it still though. The black thing inside mside is the sponge, that is connected to the wound vac. That is what has to be painfully removed and replaced every 2 days. Every day I wake up in pain and I am daunted by the fact that I still have many, many, many weeks left of recovery, And I can't take a shower again until this is all healed. Showers are my escape to go relax for 15 minutes of my day (even when I have an audience, something about that soothing hot water). Doug now has to wash my hair in the sink and I guess I will just do a sponge bath kind of thing. NOT the same. I go through many feel sorry for myself moments throughout the day, but then I snap out of it. It could have been worse. I am alive. After placenta percreta AND a massive bacterial infection/abscess hidden within me. In 2 months, hopefully I will finally feel back to myself...as much as I can after all this. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard. God is most certainly still with me....my faith carries me when I don't think I can take another step forward with this all. But I am not going to lie. This sucks. This hurts. I am sick of having a heck of a time getting up out of a chair, hurting every move I make, being connected to wires that I have to carry around 24/7, having these tubes that are sucking out fluids out of my wound 24/7....none of it is easy at all. For short, fleeting moments, I will think "boy, did I piss off God or what to deserve this". But my heart always comes back to the truth of the matter. God has worked miracles for me and Ansen, and this will pass. Others have had to go through way more painful journeys, both physically and of the heart. 6-8 weeks of this may feel like eternity, but it WILL pass eventually. I gotta keep believing that...and hoping and praying for others who are having as hard/if not harder journeys then I am right now.

Tomorrow I have an appt at wound care center, so they can pull this all apart and make sure things still look right inside/all around. I am scared of going in and finding out they need to cut out more. And not looking forward to the pain of it all either. It makes me feel sick to think about taking any more steps backwards with this mess. I just want to recover from this all. But in the end, I will do whatever I have to, to ultimately be there for my kids and Doug. And so I keep taking steps forward, one at a time, even when I don't want to. Thank goodness I have my kids, who help distract me for moments throughout the day from this mess. I am very blessed to have them all. And when I hold Ansen and he stares at me, it feels like he can see right into my soul. He gives me strength, ...even when sometimes it feels like I have none left. So thankful for my life, my children, my husband, my friends, my family....so many blessings that I need to concentrate on while I trudge along this not so very pleasant at all, painful, feels like it will last forever and never end, path.

update

2010-07-03T16:02:00.002-04:00

well I had another surgery yesterday and they checked everything within me, they

removed a bit more, and my insides are looking healthy now. I still have a HUGE

open hole to my stomach that is absolutely disgusting to look at, and there is

this tight plastic wrap stuff over it with a vaccum attached to it that is

sucking out any kind of fluid. they tell me this will be completely healed in

6-8 weeks. Hard to believe now, but I am feeling good and just happy to be

home. I had to have a transfusion in hospital bc my hemoglobin was only 7. I

am now on iron pills at home as well. I have visiting nurses coming again to

take care of this, and then I have to go in for yet another surgery on

Wednesday, as an outpatient. Lord knows how many more times I will have to be

put under before all is said and done. The whole thing sucks, it has majorly

crushed my spirits at time, but I am still celebrating that after two life

threatening situations, I am still alive here. God must still have a plan for

me yet. And I look at Ansen and he is still my miracle baby. I would do it all

again for him, as hellacious as it has been. I have been told I have a REALLY

high pain tolerance, bc all I am taking right now is motrin. I am okay as long

as I don't look at my stomach. I might have my husband take a pic and one day

after I am ALL recovered, I will post it...although I am sure none of you would

want to see it. My kids wanted to see it and then just stood there in

horror...I have never seen my first son so quiet ever before.

Anyways, so thats how things are here. Just enjoying being with my family,

taking it easy, have to drink lots of water, eat lots of protein, and take my

antibiotics regularly. I can't fathom what my stomach will look like after all

is said and done....its hard to picture since there is that giant hole in it

right now. Oh well. Good thing I never cared much about it in the first

place....wasn't planning on wearing any bikinis this lifetime anyways. So that

is what is going on here. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers...really

appreciate them!

the never ending nightmare

2010-07-01T09:51:00.002-04:00

To think that I "thought" that I was healing so fabulously from my cesarean

hysterectomy. I had that teeny tiny open part of incision (was 2 inches, but

nurse coming to pack it twice a day had gotten it to 1 inch) but she was still

concerned by the great quanitiy of wound fluid pouring out (so much so that she

didn't want it to close anymore once it got to 1 inch and she was packing it to

stay open). I went to my maternal/fetal dr a few times about it and he thought

it looked great. Even the nurse said that the would fluid was the good color

and such.

So on Monday visiting nurse showed up like always, she was in a cheerful mood,

and she took off my bandages and unpacked wound. All the sudden, in a quiet,

very serious voice, she told my husband "give me the phone". It was a little

bit worrisome for sure. She got right on the phone with my dr and told them

that I needed to be seen immediately, right this second. When she got off the

phone, she showed me the bright yellow fluid pouring out, and the fact that it

had now doubled its depth overnight, as well as the smell....it smellled

absolutely HORRIBLE! This was all an overnight change. She told me they might

try to talk me out of it, but I NEEDED a CAT scan....today.

So I went into appt, feeling sick. And my dr agreed that it smelled very

infected...and he took a swab to test for bacteria. He admitted me immediately,

but said that it might just be something that woudl pass with IV antibiotics. I

mentioned that nurse said I needed a CAT scan, but he said he wanted to wait and

see what gyn-oncologist said about it. She didn't end up coming in til much

later in the day, and she was talking it up, until she opened up bandage and

then she got all serious and was like "this might be very serious, you need to

get into a STAT Cat scan". So I had to wait til they had an opening and they

had me drink 3 of these contrast drinks. At least a CAT scan is much quicker

then an MRI.

Gyn-oncologist was reassured that this infection hadn't gone beyond the faschia

(internal girdle that kept organs like intestines in), but that there was

definately some fluid build up showing in the CAT scan, about 8 inches long. I

was told that I would need surgery that next morning. By this time, the stuff

coming out of me was now green and the most foul smelling stuff I had ever

smelled...it smelled like something died inside me and I couldn't get away from

that smell. They started me on IV antibiotics that night, bc I started to get a

fever and cultures came back growing all kinds of different bacterias.

I went into the surgery terrified the next morning. And when I woke up, I had some kind of bad

reaction to the pain meds they had given me. They had tried to give me a

morphine pump, but they found out later it was broken and just pumping extra

morphine into me. I was doing all kinds of psychotic things, having trouble

breathing, eyes rolling behind my head while awake, throwing up. Thankfully

someone FINALLY figured it out and turned off the damn pump, and I woke up at

about 3 am this morning, feeling "myself" again. Still had no idea what had

happened, but I was afraid to look. This nice nurse came in and helped me pump,

and gave me some toast (which I then threw up). She explained a little about the

wound and such, but later on that morning, the gyn-oncologist came in and told

me about what they had found. She had actually never seen anything like this

happen. My top layer had healed so beautifully, but EVERYTHING underneath had

been dying for weeks now. EVERYTHING, under my entire 14 incision had to be

removed....and then much more around the area, and some skin tissue as well. My

belly button is gone. It was part of the necrotic tissue. I am now back to

being cut end to end, but they have the two ends cinched together (making like a

"hole" in the middle", with a big sponge attached to a womb vac in the middle.

I talked to the wound specialist today and they are going to go back in Friday,

put me under, take out this wound vac and make sure no new bacteria/infection

occurred, if everything still looks good, they are going to change to new sponge

for wound vac, I will go back under Monday for them to do the same...and then I

will have a visiting nurse coming to change this sponge 3 times a week for a few

weeks, followed by another surgery where they try to ultimtely put everything

back together again.

This is a NIGHTMARE. I have a big gaping hole in my abdomen and I am stuck in

this hospital God knows how long. I

am just sick of it, I feel like I already put in my time to recover and here I

am, with something even worse now. The gyn-oncologist and maternal fetal dr

worked out a deal with the maternity floor to let me stay here with Ansen and my

husband, just bc they both felt so bad that Ansen had just gotten out of NICU

himself. Taking care of him in here is about the only bright spot of this right

now. But I keep trying to remain optimistic....keep trying to reind myself that

it could have all gone MUCH worse. What if I hadn't had that little tiny open

part of my incision and my awesome visiting nurse bc of it. I probably wouldn't

have known about this until I had gone septic. That is so scary. :( I need to

stay optimistic and thankful that as bad as things may seem, they could have

gone much worse. I am very lucky to have quick acting drs and nurses

surrounding me, as well as a wound center and specialist now working on my case.

So thats about it for now. Definately missing my other kids, not enjoying this type of recovery at all, and

just want to be normal again one day....

He's home....and my arms are full!!!

2010-06-27T08:16:00.001-04:00

After 9 LONG months of pregnancy, followed by what felt like 23 even LONGER days of NICU, Ansen is home!!!!!! We now have a huge oxygen tank in our living room, and a monitor that I am incessantly staring at, meds that need to be given every 3 hours, as well as a baby that nurses every 1.5 hours and only wants to be held when sleeping. And I am one HAPPY mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coming home Sunday....

2010-06-25T07:57:00.000-04:00

TENTATIVELY that is. I have learned not to really believe anything til it happens. Ansen will be coming home on oxygen, monitors, and 6 meds that need to be given pretty much round the clock. Its kind of daunting, but also exciting to just get him home finally! Doug and I have to take infant cpr today (requirement to take him home on all this) and then tomorrow night I have to sleep at hospital in special overnight room, so I can practice with the oxygen, monitors and meds by myself, with support of hospital right there if I have an questions/concerns. That should be fun.

ON the TMI front, I have some new worries. Since the hsyterectomy, I have had nothing on the vag. discharge front (which I figured was normal, since I have nothing there anymore). Well starting yesterday, now I am having yellow/brown and sometimes pink coming out of me. Its VERY concerning to me, bc its the same colors as the wound fluid coming out of my incision. I am counting down the minutes right now til I can call my dr this morning and ask about this, but I am guessing its not normal at all....and I am just scared what it could mean. My visiting nurse is concerned with amount of wound fluid still coming out and said that if I had something like an abscess causing it, they would have to cut me back open and then start this whole packing thing over again. That would be a nightmare, especially if the baby is home. I got a referral to wound clinic and they gave me an appt in 11 days. Guess I will just see what my dr says today when I call up about this. I would LOVE if he said that its normal by some miracle, but absolutely NOTHING has been normal here, so it just wouldn't surprise me in the least to have some odd complication that would necesitate more surgery. *sigh*

Sometimes I feel like I am just barely keeping on the edge of sanity with this all....how much bad luck can someone have. I try to remind myself how lucky we have been....as bad as things have been, it could have been so much worse. But I am stressed out. I Just want to recover and have a moment where I don't have to worry about complications and risks, as well as my baby stuck in NICU. I want to get to that point where I am 100% recovered and I can finally say that I now certain I made it through this whole mess, healthy and alive. I am still worried about complications, especially when I am not healing normally, and now having new things showing up. *another big sigh*

Well doctors office is almost open, just about time to give them a call about this all. Can't wait.....

Another day, another talk with dr, another potential new plan....

2010-06-22T08:44:00.000-04:00

Talked to another dr yesterday, and now its been mentioned that along with the diuretic, that Ansen might be going home on oxygen now. I am at the point that the most important thing right now for me is getting him home and in my arms 24/7, but I am sad that he has taken enough steps backwards that this is a new possibility. He was canula free for quite a while....and now he needs 1/2 liter of oxygen to keep his sats up to 94/95.   What would it be like having a baby home on oxygen and monitors?? Its getting harder and harder to imagine our life ever going back to "normal" here. I shouldn't be surprised, since nothing has gone normal this entire journey.

I have an appt this afternoon with maternal/fetal dr to look at the open part of my incision. Its still draining A LOT. Not really great news....visiting nurse says they might need to do a CAT scan to make sure there isn't an abscess or something more serious going on in there. I just want to heal. My incision is almost closed up in that spot, but bc of the massive amount of drainage, they don't want it to close fully yet now. So now its being packed a bit more to keep it open. Fun stuff.

Visiting nurse is coming soon. And then I can go head out to be with my baby.   When I walk towards the NICU, I usually feel like I am suffocating. I am sick of it. My baby is almost 3 weeks old. Will my he celebrate his 1 month birthday there?? The walls start closing in and I feel sick to my stomach, walking up to the NICU desk, asking to see my baby. I stand there and wash my hands for 2 minutes....and I just dread the sights and sounds of NICU. I walk over to my baby boy-and I put on my gown and I pick him up and I sit down....and no matter how suffocating the NICU is to me and how sick I feel to be spending another day there, I then feel instant calm looking at his sweet little face. Holding him/nursing him is therapy for me. He snuggles into me and makes his little faces in his sleep, all the little smiles, making little o's with his mouth....and I forget where I am. I forget that I am stuck at this crappy NICU all day. I am simply with my baby. Taking care of my baby. Changing his diaper, feeding him and snuggling him, just like I would do at home. I look at him and I don't see his canula or all the wires hanging out of his little sleepers-I just see my sweet little Ansen. And I hate to leave him at night. Its the worst feeling in the world. Bc then I have to come back to reality. That my baby is stuck indefinately in the NICU, all by himself....all night. My arms are empty at night. And I hate it.

Just have to keep trudging along this journey I guess. To think that I once thought the hard part would be over if I survived the delivery. HA!   I am 100% confident that God is still with us in this journey for sure.  Being with Ansen is like getting a peek at heaven each and every day. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't still having a hard time with this all. I am. Sometimes it feels like nothing can go right for us.  I know in retrospect things could totally be MUCH worse.  We ARE very lucky. But it certainly hasn't been easy-not one step of any of this....

Chronic lung disease

2010-06-21T07:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I talked to one of the doctors, who told me this is what they are suspecting Ansen has. It makes me sad for sure that he could have a chronic condition for life, all from his birth. Its caused by the ventilation and oxygen and his respiratory distress sydnrome, which very likely caused scar tissue in lungs-making lungs fill with extra fluid that normally isn't there. We have been told that its very likely he will go home on a daily diuretic, to clear that fluid out of his lungs on a daily basis and make it easier for his lungs to get the right amount of oxygen. Yesterday, I was still hoping that maybe this wasn't the case, but last night, Ansen had to be put back on canula bc he had a really poor night with his oxygen saturation AND he gained about 3 oz in one day...which is all pointing to the extra fluid on lungs causing all these issues.

I feel INCREDIBLE guilt. What if I could have waited another week or two until delivery.  I try to remind myself that my own outcome could have been totally different if that was the case, but I still do feel guilty nevertheless. I wish I could make this all easier for Ansen. My poor baby boy....I love him so much and I just want to cuddle him in my arms and make all this go away for him.

Yesterday, Doug had an verbal altercation with a close family member....Doug claims he will never talk to him again now. It makes me sad to see the family torn apart bc of others judgemental attitudes. He used to talk to this individual pretty much every day, since he is close family. All the sudden, this family member stopped answering Doug's calls, and this has gone on for months and months now. Doug finally got a hold of him yesterday and this family member told Doug that he has been ignoring us for months now bc A.  him and his significant other can't stand that we homeschool   B. that we have supplemental, secondary state insurance that helps us pay for the things that our crappy primary insurance won't pay for and C. that we had Ansen. I think C bothered me the most, since I am used to everyone being judgemental about the other two things as it is. This family member told Doug we should have terminated the pregnancy and it upsets them greatly that we didn't. After all I have done to get this baby into the world, its hard to hear a close family member that still thinks Ansen's life shouldn't be. Ansen is STILL fighting to be in this world. How someone close to us can easily dismiss the value of Ansen's life AND hold a grudge against us for choosing to fight for Ansen's life....well I feel myself getting bitter about the whole thing myself. None of this has been easy on us for sure, but once you hold Ansen and look into his eyes-its like looking at a glimpse of Heaven.    This little life that shouldn't be is highly valued by us, as well as by God, and I don't know how we are supposed to just forgive and forget this comment. Obviously though, God doesn't want us to live a life poisoned by bitter feelings like this either though. So what are we supposed to do in this kind of situation?? I don't know.

I do know that we would appreciate all the prayers we could get right now, that Ansen's doctors will figure out what he has going on, so that he can on the right meds and eventually get home. Also, I could use some prayers that my incision wil heal up. I am having TONS of wound fluid coming out still, which is not good at all.  Tomorrow at my next appt, we will probably have to start looking into other issues that might be causing me not to heal right  Sometimes it feels like nothing is going right at all for us, but then I remind myself that Ansen and I are alive after all this...and every day I get to go to hospital and snuggle him close to my heart, and my heart bursts with joy over the sweet miracle of him, regardless of all the bumps in the road.

The baby that doesn't follow the norm....

2010-06-20T08:15:00.000-04:00

Just about everyone that has come to talk to me about Ansen in NICU has told me that Ansen does NOT follow the normal pattern of anything. He is a mystery to them, why his lungs were so bad (36 week babies usually don't need to be intubated for a week, followed by cpap for 3 days and the canula on/off for a week). His lungs came out worse then a 30 week old. I don't know why, but I am thankful he is recovering from this. I don't know if it was bc of my crappy placenta or what? I don't like to hear how baffled everyone is about him.....but regardless, he IS a miracle. That he is even here after all this, that we are both here....well i am truly grateful. I am also impatient to get him home at times, but I know he is where he needs to be, and just that I get to spend my days with him makes my heart sing.

I FINALLY got to attempt nursing with him the other day. I was scared out of my mind that he would give a feeble attempt, and that would be it. Nursing has been very important to me and I didn't know if I would get to even attempt it, bc of plans to keep placenta in. I was elated to have my uterus out and be able to nurse still-and finally have some normalcy, but its been nothing normal at all, pumping round the clock for the last 2.5 weeks.

So on Friday, Ansen and I took the plunge....and all I can say is that nursing is his superpower! I have nursed him 6 times in the last 2 days and after those feedings, he has pooped and peed up a storm. He knows exactly what he is doing, and knew right from the start. The nurses have acted very surprised that he is switching back and forth from bottle to nursing so easily. I guess that is another non normal for him-and one I am glad for!!!! Its very nice for me to head to the NICU all day and still have something normal to look forward to. And when I am nursing him, no one can tell me that I am holding him too much!

Today has to be a short day visiting Ansen, bc Doug heads back to work tonight. :( I am sad about that. I will only get to be with him from 11ish-to 3. 4 hours may sound like a lot of time, but it only feels like seconds when I am with my baby. I have been averaging about 8 hours a day with Ansen. But we have to do what we have to do. Doug needs to start making money again-since we have no paychecks coming in (and haven't had any for a few weeks) and we are working through our savings now.

Doug just found out from NICU that Ansen had another episode last night of de-satting for 15 minutes. This time he didn't need oxygen to finally get out of it (as opposed to the night before, where they gave him 30 minutes and then had no choice but to give him canula), but it still took him some time. I don't know why he is having such a hard time with this?? What is wrong with my baby??? And will he ever get to come home? :(

Not coming home for at least another 3 days now :(

2010-06-19T06:14:00.000-04:00

Ansen had a poor night-desatted down to 84 with oxygen, and is back on canula and now on 3 day regmine of lasix. To say I am bummed is an understatement. I just want my baby home, but I understand if he still needs to be there, there is nothing I can do. It still majorly sucks though. I was sure I would have issues with this delivery, but I never thought in a million years that my baby would have to be put through all this. He was one day shy of 36 weeks, with 2 doses of steroids. He just got two neighbors (twins) born at 31 weeks, doing a heck of a lot better then him. My mommy guilt is running REALLY high right now...just feeling awful that my poor baby has had to go through all this. It feels like our life will never return to normal. Every day, I have to leave the rest of my kids and Doug all day, so I can spend the day with Ansen, who is all by himself there. Part of the reason I probably still have this wound that I have to have a visiting nurse come take care of every day is bc I have never gotten a chance to rest after this surgery-I have been running around since the day after surgery, up and pumping around the clock when I am supposed to be home and resting. Trying to remain positive this last 16 days, but its getting really, really, REALLY hard at times. Especially today.

Told to bring in a carseat....

2010-06-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Doug tells me not to get too excited, but I am assuming that means he *might* be coming home REALLY soon....like maybe tomorrow?? He has no PICC line anymore (IV), he has no canula, and all he has to do is take 52 cc's of breastmilk every 3 hours by mouth to get home. Last night he took all the bottles he was supposed to. I was really bummed last night bc when I went back to the NICU last night, they told me not to hold him anymore, bc he hadn't done well with his 6 pm bottle...and it was all bc I held him too much that day. I was about to burst into tears. How can you hold a baby too much?? I hate that the NICU "owns" my baby right now and can tell me this kind of stuff. I want to tell them "do you know what I had to go through to get this baby here into this world-I earned my rights to hold him too much". But of course, I just sat there steaming instead and the second he woke up, I scoopped him up. I ended up staying for 9 pm bottle, which he took ALL of again for me. I hate leaving him all by himself there at night. Hoping really hard that this carseat test goes well and that we can bring him home SOON....like tomorrow, so I can hold him way too much at home each and every day, and NOT get spoken too for it anymore. And so I can start attemping to breastfeed. I loathe pumping. The NICU is very pro pumping and very anti-bf'ing it seems, bc every time I have asked if I can try bf'ing, I have gotten some excuse after another. I give up up now. I am just going to do their bottle thing and GET HIM OUT!!! And then I will finally attempt bf'ing. Hoping really hard he can transition easily to it...we'll see.

Still having my wound care twice a day. It is still draining like crazy, but half of it has closed up and nurse says it looks great. Tonight, Doug is my wound nurse. Lucky him. The stuff they don't tell you about in those vows I guess. I just can't til ALL this is past...til my baby is home, my incision is healed, and we can move on from this and into a new exciting chapter of our lives.

the fun never ends.....

2010-06-16T21:22:00.000-04:00

Ansen is doing well. He is on 1/4 liter canula and *might* be off canula by tomorrow. He is also up to 48cc's a feeding (through tube down his nose) and will be on enough by tonight to get his IV out by tomorrow. That means he can move over to the graduate (continuing care) nursery, where he will simply need to work on taking all his feeds by mouth. I have yet to get to attempt nursing him and I am getting really nervous about it. Eating really takes a lot out of him. I hope that I can still make nursing work for us. I LOATHE pumping, but have been pumping around the clock for the last 2 weeks, hoping that we would be able to transition to breastfeeding. Ansen is such a sweet, calm baby though. He just loves to snooze in my arms, and there is nothing more relaxing in tihe world then to lay back in the NICU chair with him on my chest. Its heavenly.

I have had a 4 day migraine now, that I am assuming was set off by all the lights in the NICU (especially those darn bili-lights, that you can't help but stare at). Motrin is keeping the edge off my headache...hoping I can wake up tomorrow and have it finally gone!

Another bit of excitment is that part of my incision is opened up. That part never healed right to begin with (looked awful near belly button once they unbandaged it). They told me it was a hematoma. Well I called up yesterday bc it was STILL draining like crazy, and when I went in, Dr. H said "well that doesn't look good". NOT what you want to hear. So I guess there is a hole, like in my abdomen. Only about one inch long and one inch deep. So now I have a visiting nurse coming to house twice a day to pack this 1 inch part of my incision...and teaching Doug how to do it so they can come less often. I just want to feel healed and normal again. But I keep reminding myself to be thankful that the surgery was successful and that the other ~13 inches of my incision looks fabulous. I have been ordered to eat lots of protein, drink lots of water, and rest so that this last part of my incision will heal up quickly. I hope so!!!

Today is our 9 year wedding anniversary. Although it may appear crappy (especially when our anniversary day is spent having Doug learn to pack a hole in my abdomen),in retrspect, we are just so thrilled that everything went well enough that we are able to celebrate together the day that we became a family. And what a family we have grown into. Even with Ansen still being in the hospital, we still feel so blessed. Soon enough, our family of eight will be able to move on from all this, and simply enjoy life and each other (hopefully WITHOUT a hole in my abdomen..... )!

Sorry for lack of updates....

2010-06-13T01:36:00.000-04:00

I have been kinda bummed by Ansen's lack of progress. He went from vent to canula and was doing so well, and then he was suddenly doing horrible and has been on 2 days of cpap. I can't hold him on cpap and it just feels like things are going SOOOOO slow here. They call Ansen the "touch and go baby" at the NICU. And as much as i try not to let myself take the blame for the stuff he is going through, I sitll do have some mommy guilt. I wish I could have given him an easier start somehow. But every day, I remember to thank God things did work out the way they did and we are both relatively healthy. SO MUCH could have gone wrong, the fact that my delivery went so well is a miracle in itself....and then that Ansen is here and getting healthier by the day. In a few more weeks, this will all be a distant memory and I WILL make up for the lack of baby holding I have gotten so far-I can guarantee I will never want to put him down ever.

As for me, I am healing still. I am just taking motrin now and my incision looks pretty good in most spots. There is one troublesome spot near my belly button that I have had to keep an eye on...right now, all we can do is keep it clean and dry and hope that it starts to look like the rest of my incision sooner rather then later. Hysterectomy wise, I just think about how weird it is that its gone....like the fact I will never have a period again...thats just really weird to think about at the age of 30. But I feel so lucky that I was able to have all the children we were meant to have....I am very content with the six beautiful children God granted us with for sure!

Hopefully I will have some more exciting updates sooner rather then later. I can't wait til we can have some normal baby moments...holding and nursing and just plain being able to pick up my baby when he is crying. Hopefully not too much longer...maybe another week (although less would be awesome). Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and prayers throughout this journey....we still feel like we have worked a miracle here!

Held a little piece of Heaven today....

2010-06-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

Thank you God!!!!!!!!

The birth of Ansen Gabriel

2010-06-10T04:45:00.000-04:00

Well I am up and kind of wired at 2 am (after waking up at 1 am to pump), so I figure I might as well write this out now while I have the energy and time. Its going to be LONG. Here it goes!

First of all, I never thought the day of Ansen actually being born would ever really arrive. We went from being told to terminate the pregnancy, to being told he was almost certainly miscarrying, followed by a pre-term delivery scare where they talked about "chances of survival", and then to find out for the rest of the pregnancy that my life was in danger at delivery and that there was a chance that I might not meet this baby for myself. This pregnancy has felt like a cancer from the start. Every single problem, every single new danger. It was very hard on me to continue on bravely. Every day the pregnancy continued on was more time for my placenta to further grow and potentially invade other organs (from ultrasound, two of my doctors were convinced that my bladder was involved). The only thing that kept me going in these times of great fear was my faith that God had shown that he had big plans for this baby. Our Ansen was meant to be-after what we had gone through in the start, I was SURE of it. If God hadn't given up on Ansen, how could I??   As much as fear tried to take over my life (and I had many great moments of fear), God gave me the faith and hope to move on each and every day, no matter how fearful I might still have felt.

The last week of pregnancy was very bittersweet. I knew it was most certainly the last time I would ever be pregnant. I was always worried about something happening to Ansen during these final days....if he didn't move for a bit, I would start poking at him like crazy until he would give me a reassuring kick or two. I was enjoying my other kids and Doug and loving them and appreciating them. And I was scared out of my mind that that might be my last week on Earth. Every day that went by, I wondered "will this be my last Saturday?", "Is this my last car ride to so and so with the family", " is this my last meal at EB's (a fav. restaurant of ours)", etc. I would look at Doug, and it would absolutely tear my heart apart thinking about leaving him alone-from the moment I met Doug, I knew he was so incredibly special...he is my best friend, my amazing husband and an even more amazing Daddy to all our kids. We have only had 14.5 short years together...it just wasn't enough. I didn't know if he would ever understand why I HAD to give Ansen life, if it ultimately meant having to give away my own.    As much as I tried to convince myself I WOULD LIVE, I was still scared. But I knew I had done what was right. I had peace in my heart about giving Ansen the life he was fighting for, no matter what I had to do and what I had to face.

The day of surgery arrived. I was surprised to actually get any sleep. The kids were all in our bed, joyfully talking about how today was the day Ansen would be here. We had to get up and out of the house early, to get some final stuff done. And go for one final family ride. I felt like I was just in a daze. How are you supposed to feel IF it is meant to be your final day? I didn't know. We went to my brother's house to drop off the kids with my sister and my Dad. I still sat there in a daze, as my kids ran around and played. And I asked them each for a hug and a kiss and I looked them each in the eyes and told them how much I loved them. My brother gave me a hug, and it was one that I didn't want to let go of.  I told him I loved him. My sister got all the kids packed back into the van, hopped into the driver's seat...and I could see the worry all over her face. She told me that she loved me....and I told her I loved her as well. And all I could think was "please don't let this be the last time I see any of them". Gave my goodbyes to my dad, and I finally had to force myself to turn around and walk towards the car we were taking to the hospital. I didn't want to go, but I had to. Doug and I drove most of it in silence. I didn't want to ask him if he was as terrified as I was. I didn't have to ask him. A week prior to surgery, my doctor had wanted to specifically speak to Doug. And he had had to talk to Doug about the very bad risks. Risks of death. And his importance as my health care proxy. That he had to know what I wanted if the time came that I was unable to decide for myself. I told Doug I choose life. I had fought for Ansen's life, even when there was only the smallest chance possible....if I even had a chance, I wanted Doug to fight for it. And on the car ride to hospital, I squeezed Doug's hand and simply told him one more time "I just want to live".

We got there and checked in, which was one big crazy mess. Our surgery was at 1pm, and I had been told to come in at 10 am to maternity hospital to have baby monitored before being sent to the main part of hospital for my surgery. But maternity then sent me to main part of hospital to register. Lots of walking to other side of huge hospital. Registration then sent me to pre-OR waiting room. More walking. And pre-OR said "why are you here so early?" I told them I was told to come early to get baby monitored first, but of course, they didn't have what they needed to do that there-bc that was all in the maternity part of the hospital....where I was originally told to come. So more phone calls were made and then they decided to just get me in the pre-OR area and that maternity would be sending down ultrasound and doppler to monitor the baby there. I said a goodbye to Doug (just for the time being) and went into my little pre-surgery area and got dressed in my gown. I folded my clothes and put them in my bag. And then just stared at that bag. Was this the last time I would wear them? Nurse came in and put an IV and asked how I was feeling. I told her I just wanted tomorrow to be here. Then I just sat there and waited for maternity people to come. Across from me was a guy waiting for surgery. I sat there, wondering what he was going in for....and I am sure he sat there wondering what I was going in for. We just kind of glanced at each other nervously. His surgery had been majorly delayed.   We were just waiting. I wondered if he worried about not waking up after surgery. Doug was escorted in at this time and I felt better to have him by my side. My maternal fetal dr, Dr. H came in and he walked over, squeezed my shoulder, and told me I was in good hands today. I thanked him. For the many hours before surgery, he told me that again and again-I would be in good hands. And I thanked him again and again. I met his fellow who would be at my surgery. I met my two nurses that would be at my surgery. The gyn-oncologist stopped by and told me she was ready to go whenever the OR was, and that her partner would be there as well (the other gyn-oncologist). The two nurses from maternity showed up, introduced themselves that they would be at my surgery for Ansen....and Ansen was monitored. Dr. H came to check my placenta and where Ansen was, and he had flipped to transverse. He drew lines on my stomach showing where to cut, where placenta started. Ansen looks great and I felt a twinge of guilt that he was so happy in there, but soon enough he would be ripped from his cozy little world. I hoped he would be okay, being born earlier then normal. I met the two anesthesiologists that would be there at surgery. Lots of doctors and nurses congregated in front of my pre-surgery area, talking about whether or not to put me to sleep before or after central line was put in. I glanced over and guy across from me was just staring at all the people I had over there.....I nudged Doug and said "I can guarantee you right now that guy is thanking God he is not facing whatever surgery I am".   I wished I could be that guy instead.  Dr. H told aneshesiologists that baby was going to get a lot of general anesthesia, no matter what they did...just bc he had to cut carefully through things to not start any bleeding. So it was decided for my own comfort that I would get the central line (line going in through vein in neck to heart), arterial line (line to artery that would register every second of my blood pressure, beat by beat) and catheter after surgery.  Lots more people came in and introduced themselves. Two NICU nurses and NICU dr, bc of the prolonged general anesthetic for Ansen now. Urologist and interventional radiologist would be in there. It was just so many people. It was very overwhelming. But I felt at peace. This peace had taken over my body...in my head, all I could think was "well we did it God...we won". No matter what outcome we would have during surgery, I was now convinced that I had accomplished God's gratest good. Throughout great fear, I had still been able to make the right choices.  Ansen would live. I was at great peace...still thinking proudly "we won God, You won!"  It was a nice feeling, a surprising feeling to feel right before surgery. I had to use the bathroom and Doug came in there with me. And in there, he said "lets get over with the goodbye hug". We aren't usually audience huggers. And so there, the bathroom, we just hugged. I didn't want to let go. I told him I loved him.  And we continued to hug....I didn't want to let go of him EVER.

About this time, it was an hour before surgery, and we found out we had gotten bumped out of OR room for now, bc of an emergency craniotomy?? The guy across from us was still waiting to. Probably still thankful he wasn't me. Finally he got wheeled away and my stomach spun a bit. I was getting nervous again. We got transferred to another pre-OR waiting room, bc the room we had been in needed to turn into a recovery room. And we waited. A couple of the nurses were asking me about kids and trying to keep my mind off of things. When everyone started putting on masks and hats, and then I got a blue hat put on my head, my stomach did the biggest flip flop ever. I was a little after 2 pm, and the time had come. I looked at Doug and shot him an "I love you" with my hand (its always been our thing, using the sign language ILOVEYOU to quietly get our point across). And he gave me a quick kiss. And as I was being wheeled away, I sent him another ILOVEYOU sign. I felt so bad for him-what HE must be feeling at this moment. As they were wheeling me away, they asked me if I wanted medicine that would relax me and make me feel like I had a couple glasses of wine. I didn't know what that felt like, since I don't drink....but I said sure. My heart was racing and I was afraid that I would start crying. And so they gave me something in my IV and suddenly everything was cloudy and a bit like a dream. Somehow I ended up on the OR table (don't remember getting up on there??) And I looked around the room and there were SOOOOOOO many people. People moving in all different directions, lots of people talking and doing stuff. This was BIG stuff going on in here. This wasn't some little surgery I was facing. But I was at peace still. And all these carts of medical equipment everywhere. Was I really going to need THIS much stuff?? Someone put an oxygen mask over me and told me to breathe in really deeply, for the baby. And I kept taking these really deep breaths, thinking of Ansen. I glanced over and saw two iv bags filled with this milky shite stuff, which I guess was the anesthetic. It was almost time.  I took those deep breathes and in my head, I just called out for God to be with me. I was told that it was time to go to sleep. And I tried to hold on as long as I could, calling out for God to still be with me. That we had won. And I suddenly I woke up.

I felt terrible...like I was choking and gagging something stuck in my throat and I couldn't get it out. But I think I was alive....that must be good??  I fell asleep again and woke up and the gagging/choking feeling was gone. But I was so thirsty. I kept calling out for Doug, but my voice was so quiet.   No one would hear me. Someone asked me what I wanted and I said "my husband". I kept falling asleep in between thoughts.  I would wake up again and ask for Doug.  And tell everyone how thirsty I was. I heard someone say my husband was there, and someone touched me and was praying outloud. And then Doug was gone again. And then a nurse was feeing me ice chips. And then all the sudden, Doug was back, feeding me ice chips. I was trying to ask what had happened, if Ansen was okay, but I kept falling asleep.  It felt like Doug was shoving those ice chips in one after the other, but he in reality giving me like 5 minutes in between them bc I kept falling asleep. That general anesthetic is some crazy stuff. They had Doug leave again bc they needed to do some work on my central line in my neck. I guess this was like a 2 hour thing, but it felt like minutes again. And I was moving and was brought to other side of hospital.....remember like 1 second of that ride. The next morning, I FINALLY got all the details I wanted to ask, but wasn't sure if I had asked.

After they had taken me, Doug started back to the OR waiting area. He said he felt like he in a daze...not sure what to do. And then he ran into one of my friends, who showed up there to support him. I had no idea she was coming and I am so grateful she took the time out of her day to be there for Doug and I. She took Doug to cafeteria to eat, and Doug ate something, although he said he felt sick and just lost at that moment. My friend kept Doug talking and helped keep the time passing. The mininster from my mother in law's church came and sat with them for a few hours. I thought that was very kind. They prayed and talked. And then after he left, the pastor from our Chuch showed up and spent about 3 hours with Doug and my friend. When I heard this, I just felt the love of the moment. So many people there with Doug, hoping and praying for me And so many others praying and hoping for us as well, those that couldn't be there, but were there in spirit, around the world. I can't express my thankfulness to those who were there for Doug at what was probably one of the worst moments of his life. Doug said he talked to the pastor about anything and everything for hours. He just kept talking to her and asking questions about faith and stuff. I wish I could have been there to witness this moment. It makes me cry just wanting to think about it. Thank you to Karen, Reverand Earl and Pastor Elva for being there for my best friend when I couldn't.

Doug said that the first update was the scariest, just bc the dr working alongside Dr. H came storming in, out of breath, looking around the room frantically. Doug said his heart just sunk. But she said the baby was out. The second update came later, that baby was in NICU and that I was having a hysterectomy. Doug knew that meant it had to be somewhat good news, bc I had been told that they would leave everything in if it was too bad. Doug and Karen and Pastor Elva went and met Ansen for a few minutes and a prayer was said for him. Then Dr. H called Doug and explained a little bit more about how it was going. Gyn-oncologists were doing hysterectomy at that moment. And that it appeared my bladder was unaffected. Later Doug heard from Dr. H again that they were closing me up, and that although my placenta had gone through uterus (placenta perecreta) it had NOT attached to bladder at all. My bladder was completely unaffected! What a miracle, since it had certainly looked VERY involved on ultrasound. My doctors had stayed VERY much on top of my blood loss and I was told I lost about 6 units of blood and I received 4 units of blood to replace it. That is just amazing, they were so concerned that I would be hemmorhage out blood faster then they could give it to me, since percretas are very vascular. Although Ansen had to get so much general, they went about my surgery in a way that really saved me from catastrophic blood loss. I was finally out of the OR at about 7ish and Doug was allowed to come in for only 5 minutes the first time. He and Pastor Elva came in and she said a quick prayer for both of us, and she left. Doug tells me he told me "you did it".   He told me as much as he could in that short period of time. All I remember is the prayer though. He was asked to leave and he tells me I cried and begged him not to go. I don't remember that. And then he was allowed back in again after a bit, and that was when he fed my ice chips and told me the whole thing again. Still don't remember much fo that...except for the ice chips. And then had had to wait again, for the 2 hours while they did some work on the central line on my neck. All in all, he probabl had to tell me a million and one times about everything. He was happy though. And I could feel his happiness and although I wasn't really sure what had happened, it felt like it must have been good. And I was alive.

The next day, I also found out more about Ansen. He had been under general anesthetic for at least 45 minutes and he didn't cry at all when he was born. His lungs were very full of fluid and he was very lethargic and having a hard time clearing them. Hence, he ended up on a ventilator. Everyone was kind of surprised by how much trouble he was having after birth. But I was assured he was alive and doing well....just that he probably wouldn't be out of NICU quickly like they had originally thought and hoped for.   I was so incredibly grateful that I had been able to have the hysterectomy.  It meant I didn't have to do chemo drugs and deal with infection risks of placenta/uterus in me, and it also menat I could breastfeed!!! I started pumping that morning after surgery-so joyful that I would be able to breastfeed my last baby. Don't get me wrong...I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I had this huge bandage on my stomach and had no idea what had been done there, but I was just so elated that I was live and my baby was alive. Word's can't describe the feeling of joy you get after surviving something like this!! I had a morphine pump and I was told to squeeze this little thing whenever I needed any extra pain relief. I was actually pretty good though til the afternoon. That afternoon, I was told that I was getting my catheter out...and I was most certainly cursing my doctors at that moment. Did everyone forget about the major surgery I had just had?? The gyn-oncologist told me I needed to get up 8-12 times today. Was she nuts?? It hadn't even been 24 hours since surgery started. I knew they wanted what was best for me and I knew walking was best for me, but I didn't want to do it! I just wanted to happily lay there and rest and celebrate. But I got up. HOLY PAIN!!! I pressed that morphine things plenty of times those next 2 days. Every time I had to to the bathroom, I would reward myself with a hit of morphine once I got back to my bed.   My other reward for finally getting out of bed was being able to see Ansen. Doug wheeled me to the NICU and I got to see him for the first time...somewhat. I was in the wheelchair and his isolette was up so high and I couldnn't really stand much, so that I couldn't make out much...but it was my baby and he was alive. We had done it!

Over the next few days, everyone was surprised by how quickly I was bouncing back, especially after the hysterectomy. But I was just so darn grateful to be alive and have my second chance of life, side by side with Doug and with all my kids, that I could happily deal with whatever pain I needed to. Bandages were taken off and I got to see my stomach for the first time, all swollen and lopsided, with a scar that runs from top of belly down around belly button and below it. It was ugly and bloody and really barbaric looking actually with staples EVERYWHERE, but it was also my proud souvenir of this journey. Its ugliness was and still is  a thing of beauty for me. It reminded me that I had taken some really ugly battles this pregnancy and in the end, it had brought much beauty/joy to my life. I will forever look at this scar and smile.

Ansen had a rough start and they think he ended up with pneuomina from his rocky birth start, but a week later, he is doing fantastic. Hoping he will be completely weaned off the vent in the next day or two. Dr. H kept apologizing that Ansen was so sick from his birth....but all I can say is he is alive and I am alive. Dr. H gave him hope for life back at 6 weeks and actually gave him that life on June 3rd, at 3:41 pm when he pulled him out of me. I will be forever grateful for Dr H and what he has done for us, as well as grateful/thankful to everyone on the wonderful team that kept us alive and well.

Ansen was awake last night (finally off of sedation) and he was interacting with me...looking at me, kicking his legs at me as I rubbed them, clutching at my hands. Tears came to my eyes. It was my "thank you Mommy for fighting so hard for me" moment. He is alive and here in this world bc I followed my heart...and let God lead me through this journey, many times onto roads I did NOT want to travel.   His life is a miracle to me. Every time I see him, I think "he shouldn't be here, but he is".   It's an amazing feeling. And I am forever grateful for all the life lessons I have learned along the way. I will never be the same. Thank you God for that.

So incredibly grateful

2010-06-09T06:53:00.000-04:00

I know I left off with the last post so negative, but I am so incredibly grateful most of the time here. I DO think I am going to still need the prozac to get me through the first few months of postpartum, just bc this has not been a normal pregnancy experience whatsoever and I guess I am processing it with the anxiety that is showing up out of the blue now-something I have little control over.

All in all, I have 1000 thankyous to write and a 1000 ways to express my apprecation for this experience. My baby that I was told had no chance at life is alive and in this world. It's hard to describe what it feels like to look at your baby and know they shouldn't be here. I felt his little soul on me all these years and I was terrified of trying to bring it into this world...I guess I just "knew" I was heading into dangerous territory this pregnancy. We went back and forth about trying, and in the end we just put all our faith in God that there must be a reason he was putting this little soul, tugging at my heart 24/7. The baby that I was told that I had NO choice but to terminate. I can still remember the doctor explaining all the methods of termination to me, so nonchalantly...and here I was, thinking of that pulsating dot on ultrasound, holding on for dear life...just trying to live. That little soul was NOT disposable, as much as the dr tried to convince me. At that moment, I had no choice but to choose my baby's life, even after being told it could be potentially very dangerous for me. And then I was told he was almost definately miscarrying-his sac had slipped down and there was little hope. But still he fought to live. And I fought for him to live. Finding out at 26 weeks that delivery might be inevitable....and that my baby might not live after all this....it was terrifying and devastating. And then to find out after the fact that I had now put my life at jeopardy and was facing a potentially catastrophic delivery...all for this little life. Its been a very difficult 9 months, but I look at Ansen's sweet face, and I am looking at a miracle. A miracle that shouldn't be here. My thankfulness for Ansen cannot be described.

Also thankful to get a 2nd chance of life myself. You don't realize how amazing your life and this world is until you have to sit there and face losing it all. So many people realize this life lesson way too late. How grateful I am now to not just get wet, but to actually FEEL the rain now of life. To feel life with all my soul and being each and every moment, and to know just what a precious gift my life is....and Ansen's...and everyone's!!!!

I was talking to a friend and I was surprised to hear her say that my story had inspired her to call her dr today and get her IUD out for a 4th and last child that she had convinced herself the last 5 years that she didn't need. I didn't know what to say. Part of me wonders why she isn't scared out of her mind to have another after all I have gone through here. But for others to see this as such a joyful, happy ending that we do...well that really makes my heart sing with joy!!! It has been amazing (and amazingly difficult) but every tiny bit of it was so incredibly worth it. Every day I get to go to the NICU and hold hands with a miracle here on Earth. My miracle. Thank you God!

Could you send a psych eval to room 2742?

2010-06-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

First of all, recovering from this. My stomach iss so swollen and painful and that scar is just as much fun to look at as it is to feel, especially when getting up and moving around.

Today has been a REALLY hard day for me. I have been doing so well, that I was sent home this afternoon. Without my baby. Without getting to hold my baby even ONCE yet. I am having a hard time with this. Nobody knows what it feels like to have to face a surgery, knowing that you might be alive to meet your baby after all is said and done. Well, I have found it to be almost nearly as hard for me to have live through this experience, only to not get to hold my baby at all. They cover just about every part of him up and I am lucky to hold a finger in the NICU. And then they cover that up. I just want to hold my baby and feel that he is real. That any of this is real. I have fought for this baby since the start, and I still don't feel like we won here. I keep crying about it....and just feeling really out of it. I told the drs discharging me about how sad I am (crying the whole time about it). They said they would take care of it, and then I heard them ask the nurse to "send a psych eval to room 2742". That made me feel really good. So then this guy that looked like Alton Brown with a crazy neon green tie came in to talk. Well I told him what I am feeling and I left the hospital with a prescription for percocet, ibuprofin AND prozac. And maybe I need it. As painful as recovery has been, I think the mental anguish of this last few days has been that much more.

And the NICU has made one mistake after another with Ansen, hense he is right about where he was 4 days ago. They tried to wean him too quickly off of ventilator for 3 days, then had to go completetly back to day 1 once they realized that....and then they decided it was easier to have him heavily sedated the last two days, only to find out today that is actually messing with his blood gas levels. So off of most of that today. I just want to hold my baby boy, see his little face without tubes and wires and covers over it, I just want to hold his hand for hours.....I want to hold and feed him and breathe in his smell and have that moment to finally cry out my thankfullness to God that we both made it out of this healthily. Right now, it feels like he is never going to get any better. Its so hard. Maybe I did need the Alton with the neon green tie. *sigh*

Having some blues....

2010-06-06T14:46:00.000-04:00

Mixture of hormone drop and the fact that my poor baby boy is still on a ventilator. Every time I see him, I cry. I just feel so bad that we had to rip him out of there so early, that he he had to be born heavily under general anesthetic, and that he is having such a hard time with his very wet lungs now. I haven't yet been able to hold him and I am having a hard time with that. I just look at him and I want to pick him up and make sure he is real. All I can do now is hold his hand and wait until he is feeling better. I am pumping, and starting to get small amounts of milk for him, although he isn't on feedings yet. Birth story soon.

Ansen Gabriel

2010-06-04T18:23:00.001-04:00

6 lbs, 10 oz 20.5 inches long

Praise God!

VERY LONG birth story to follow later...when Mommy is feeling a lot less groggy.

God be with me today

2010-06-03T07:16:00.000-04:00

Feeling sick and anxious with nervousness. Have Kylie crying that she doesn't want me to go to hospital. Two hours before I have to drop off my kids and head to hospital...and going to spend those 2 hours with my beautiful babies and Doug. Still hoping for the best here, trying not to worry....the impossible task. Surgery is at 1 pm Eastern time, any continued thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all. God be with me today.

I truly can't wait til tomorrow night.....

2010-06-03T00:38:00.000-04:00

I can't wait til this nightmare is officially OVER.

I can't wait to have the unknown FINALLY transition to the known.

I can't wait to not have to worry anxiously about Ansen , every ache and pain, every twinge and movement, or lack of movement.

I can't wait to wake up after the surgery, alive and well....and see my sweet husband first and foremost.

I can't wait to thank my doctors...and most importantly, thank God.....for my safety throughout surgery.

I can't wait to finally reassure my husband that the worst is finally past us.

I can't wait to see my little guy for the first time, to hold him and marvel at the miraculous sweetness of his existence.

I can't wait to introduce my very excited kids to their baby brother.

I can't wait to move positively forward from this journey, and to share my heart and the joy of this journey with the world!

To get to alll this...to my tomorrow night...I am unfortuately going to have to deal with one last not-so-easy day. One last anxiety filled, most certainly very terrifying day. I am NOT looking forward to the saying goodbye to my babies and Doug part, the catheter part, the ivs part, the central line part, the being put to sleep part, the whole unknown part...none of it will be easy. But we are so close now to the hopefully very good stuff part......SOOOO INCREDIBLY CLOSE. I have to remain strong and faithful that God is with me, for the most difficult, but most rewarding part. I started this journey, feeling that God had special plans for this baby....that I couldn't terminate his life...and I begged and pleaded with God, that if He could give Ansen the strength to fight for his life, that I would fight just as hard for his life on my side. Tomorrow will be the culmination of that fight for his life. The answer to my uknowns. And hopefully the first of a great many sweet days of celebrating our victory against placenta increta/percreta.

Things to do today-1 day before surgery...

2010-06-02T08:16:00.001-04:00

The kids are going over to my brother and his girlfriend's house tomorrow morning (which is right next door to my Dad-so lots of available hands on deck to watch kids).   My brother is usually pretty laid back (hope he can stay that way with 5 kids, 6 and under). I told him to just let them play. Eat, play, eat, play, eat, bed. Repeat. Today is my last day at home pre-surgery, and my last full pregnant day. We have SOOOOOO much to do! My list includes:

1. Cut boys' hair (they all look like shaggy dogs and its just something I have been meaning to do, but haven't done yet....it WILL be done today).

2. Buy food/snacks for kids for next 4+ days. My kids eat A LOT. Like I don't think anyone can fathom it til they see it. Already made the list for Doug, so *hopefully* Doug can make it through the store somewhat fast.

3. Get all kids sleep stuff ready to go AND over there set up. Twins are sleeping in pack and plays. PLEASE let Rylan start sleeping through the night there, since he hasn't done too well of that here the last couple weeks! Tomorrow morning is going to be too crazy to try to set up things....I want it all ready to go tonight, and my kids can be minimalists here. As long as they have their "kikis" and "mermes" and "ellies", they will survive tonight. Just wondering if I should bring ac, since kids are used to sleeping in subarctic temps....hmmmmmmmm.

4. Move over inflatable pool, bikes, helmets, trailer, cozy coupes, water table and bouncy balls. That way, kids have PLENTY to play with-to keep them busy and keep my brother and his girlfriend somewhat relaxed watching them (easier to watch them while they are busy then when they are bored).

5 Find at least 4 outfits/undies/diapers for each and find a big enough bag for that. Also find bathing suits, swimshirts, and towels for each. And a couple sets of pjs for each kid as well. Thats gonna need to be a GINORMOUS bag....

6. Pick up bug spray, more suncscreen, wipes and replenish our stock of chewy tylenol....the "essentials". Thanks to a friend and the great diaper deal she found, we have plenty of diapers at least.

7. Move over some inside toys (bucket of trains, bucket of cars, and bucket of barbies). Oh and crayons and coloring books. Get new movies from library as well.

8.   Pack a hospital bag?? I don't even know what to bring at this point. I am having a hard time focusing on the after, when I am so focused on the "getting through this" part. I figure just getting myself there tomorrow is good enough at the moment.   But I should try to throw something together, especially stuff for Doug. Although, can't think of anything he will really want either at this point.

9. Buy a couple 0-3 month summer outfits. My mom just bought over a bag of yellow and green 3-6 month clothes (she still thinks a girl might pop out here). Ansen will not be ready at all for 3-6 month stuff, all my other boys were born in November (so their 0-3 month stuff is winter) and we have bought VERY little this pregnancy at all. I guess when I send Doug to get the kids "essentials", like chewy tylenol, I will have him pick up a couple 0-3 month things.

10. Get the carseat out. Doug FINALLY found it, although I am not sure if he found the base yet.

11. Somewhat clean out car. We are switching cars so that my brother and family can have a car to get out with all the kids. I don't think they would appreciate our mess.....but don't have all day to dedicate to that either....so we will just do what we can.

12. Clean up the house?? Would like to have a clean house to hopefully come home too, but who am I kidding?? Thats the last worry on my list right now. Put that on the very maybe to do list.

13. Go for the biggest ride ever. Rides are our family thing, and I want one BIG, HUGE family ride tonight. I don't want our ride to ever end. I want to go to all our favorite places, and maybe get the kids ice cream and just have it be the best ride ever.

14. Hug and kiss and love my babies. Tell them I love you hundreds of times today.

15. Hug and kiss and love my husband. Tell him how much he rocks...what an awesome dad he is, what an amazing husband he is and how much I love him.

16. Head to last drs. appt. Drink TONS of water so that I can have some good veins tomorrow for all the IVS I will need. Try to remain optimistic today. Try to fully rid myself of this numb feeling I have had this last few days. Picture myself holding Ansen-and the pure joy of that moment after this nightmarish surgery is over. Thank God for my journey. Thank God for my family and friends and my life..and for Ansen. Feel God's presence with me, as well as faith/peace to face tomorrow.

I think that is about it. So much to do, so little time to do it. And Doug is STILL lounging in bed. He has worked hard the last few days, so he certainly deserves it.  I most certainly want him well rested to deal with tomorrow.   But time is a-wasting....

feeling blah.....

2010-06-01T21:11:00.002-04:00

2 days before surgery and I am just in a funk. The kids have been wild and crazy-twins are always screaming, fighting and throwing things, big kids are complaing more then they are helping, and my patience is just THIN. To top it all off, I have been sleeping like crap the last bunch of nights (I can't get to sleep forever bc my head is filled with thoughts...and then I wake up at least once a night/last night 3 times-to pee and then I start the whole thinking too much/can't fall asleep thing again.) Two days ago, I was having like an all day anxiety attack that kept coming and going (feeling like I couldn't breathe and such), but this last few days I have found that I just need to numb myself of the reality of the surgery being here in 2 days and the anxiety attacks fade (for the most part).

I just hate that I am feeling so annoyed by some of my kids' behaviors lately....I know I should be appreciating and enjoying every moment I have with them pre-surgery...and usually I do, but this last week or so, they have been really "off" as well. We go outside to play and then within 30 minutes they are fighting and complaining that they are bored and that they want daddy to come home. Bedtime has been horrendous, with them jumping around, telling me they need to use the bathroom 100 times, etc. I am just really discouraged why this last week, things have been so much harder...and why I can't look past it and just feel that joy I was feeling last week, the week before, etc. *sigh*

I have one more full day tomorrow before surgery. My last full pregnant day for sure. I don't know how I should be feeling. We have so much to do to prepare the kids to be watched by others and tomorrow is going to be crazy. I really could have used a slow day for sure though, but Doug had to work the last three days (I would have REALLY liked him to get today off, but he had to work it to get his triple pay for Memorial Day). Now everything is just one big crazy mad rush, and I am just not feeling ready for any of this at all.

Sunday, my pastor came over to talk about things and pray, which I was very appreciative of. My mom and dad were over and she asked them to let us have a few moments to ourselves, so they kept away. Afterwards, my mom asked "oh, did she want to talk about baby's baptism?" I have been trying to explain to my parents that this is NOT your normal surgery I am getting into....but my mom always chastises me that I am overreacting. I don't want to get them more worried then they need to be, but I am sick of pretending this is no big deal either. I have been doing that most of my pregnancy, trying to downplay the risks and remain optimistic for everyone else. Actually, I don't mind being optimistic if I didn't have so much pessimistic stuff bringing me down personally. It would be nice if I could hear something that resembled optimism tomorrow at my appt. Its my last appt and I am dreading it. How many more times do I need to hear about my great risks at this surgery. No one has done any additional tests or anything like that, but yet every time I go in, the visits get more and more pessimistic. I just want to go in and have the drs reassure me "this is going to be a hard surgery, but you will be fine." Is that too much to ask??

I know I am not alone in this journey, but I still spend a lot of time feeling very alone. I have done nothing that special with my life...my children are the biggest accomplishment, and then on days like today, I feel like I am getting it all wrong, and then I start to think about how much worse I could make their lives by leaving them. I could have made a different choice way back when, and my life would be SOOOO much easier to bear at this moment. Don't get me wrong, I find it very worthwhile the person I have become and God's work on my life for sure after such a journey, but after going through ALL this mental torment, and finding myself in this new, very worthwhile place, I feel its just cruel that I still have to fear the worst of all, losing my new and improved self...all those future moments of joy with my family and friends and with the world.

I am REALLY hoping tomorrow that I wake up on the other side of the bed. On the more positive, reassured, not feeling alone and scared and joyless, side of the bed. Hoping and praying that God will give me some peace to face these last 40 hours before my surgery; peace to handle this last leg of my journey strong and full of faith...and hope.

MOMMY MOMMY ONLY 4 MORE DAYS!!!

2010-05-30T09:27:00.000-04:00

This is what I hear every day when the kids wake up (except its a different number of days considering which day it is.) Everytime I hear my kids practically sing this statement with happiness, I just don't know WHAT to feel? The kids are so joyful about their baby brother coming...but just hearing that there are 4 more days brings me nothing but dread at the moment. Early this morning, before the kids woke up, I was just laying in bed and thinking about that sweet moment that I wake up AFTER my surgery. Alive. With this LONG never-ending nightmare finally having gotten over the worst. We will finally be able to talk about what they found and what they had to do and the fact that I LIVED through it. And let me not forget, meeting my little miracle boy that will have made this nightmare 150% worth it. I just can't wait til Friday is here and I am still alive and a part of this beautiful world. That will be a moment of pure joy for me. And most certainly for Doug too.

Doug has been so positive about this whole thing, but I can see he is starting to show his worry more and more. You can just see it in his eyes. Honestly, I just want to cry thinking about what HE will have to deal with during surgery. I get the "easy" part in a way...I will be put to sleep. And thats that. He has to sit there and wait, for hours and hours, waiting and wondering and worrying. It hurts my heart to think about him sitting there for hours...and going through all that alone. :(

4 more days til surgery. 5 more days til we can start living the rest of our lives with an even greater joy and appreciation for this experience (most especially being PASSED this experience). I will finally be able to fully celebrate Ansen, with Doug and five other very jubilent children I have been surrounded by this entire time. The first song on my playlist "before the morning" is singing to me again this morning....I am putting it back on autoplay for the time being so I can hear my words of inspiration 4 days from now-"cause the pain that you've been feeling...can't compare to the joy that's coming!"

My sweet morning...

2010-05-29T09:57:00.001-04:00

Since the kids are sleeping in our room, on the floor on mattresses (since we did our big move back to this house AND started bleeding/bedrest right after and had had little time to really unpack/set up things after that) I get to spend every waking and sleeping moment with them. Last night, as I headed to bed, I turned on the light (we have some SOUND sleepers in this house) and I just was mesmorized watching them sleep. I couldn't stop staring at them- all cuddled up, sleeping soundly, thumbs in mouths, kikis and mermaids and stuffed elephants clutched in arms, making soft little whispery breaths as they soundly slept. My heart could have just burst at that moment. I helped create these 5 sweet little people. And to think of one last little person cuddled up with them soon enough.

My children have been my biggest and most meaningful accomplishment in my life. I graduated with a degree in english/early education, with a concentration in special education, a semester early WHILE working full time hours. And yet that accomplishment has meant a meager NOTHING to me since I have become a mother. I always wanted to be a mom, but I never quite understood how much it could and would change me. I can't get enough of them...every morning, every afternoon, every night...its just not enough. Their sweet little faces, their little voices, the funny things they do, the funny things they say, the pride them give me, ad the sweetest moments they bring to my life day after day. My kids fight and argue and complain like the best of them as well, don't get me wrong. But one sweet moment has the power to erase 15 less desireable moments. Just like a kiss and a hug from Mommy can suddenly make the world right again to them.

Every morning, I wake up thrilled for the chance of new joys and experiences we can share together. This morning, I woke up to one kid crawling into my bed...followed quickly by another...and another...and another...and then one more. They all just laid/sat there with me, heads snuggled into me, kisses and hugs and smiles and I love you's shared by all, little hands rubbing Ansen and telling me how excited they are to meet him in 5 days....and it just further magnified the joy in my heart. As physically uncomfortable as it might be, being huge and pregnant, stuffed into a queen sized bed with my slumbering husband and 5 not so small children, I could have enjoyed this morning forever. Except my bladder had different plans. Darn you bladder.

Now we are off to a nearby track. I am going to waddle over to the grass and sit and watch my kids ride their bikes around and around and around, hearing their screams of excitement and joy as they race each other and enjoy the moment. And I am going to watch Doug ride his bike and trailer around with them, with two very gleeful 2 year olds, who think the bike trailer is the most amazingly fun ride EVER. Even though I can't join IN on the fun, I am surrounded by the fun and joy of the moment...and just that is pure joy in itself for me. We will follow this by a barbecue with my family later today (kids playing with sprinkler and bikes and little cars, while it will be a lot of me sitting and making plans with my brother and one day to be sister in law who are watching kids the first 4 days of my hospitalization). All in all, my sweet morning will be a sweet family day alltogether-a sweet start to a beautiful day and beautiful weekend. I plan to do little this weekend, but just wholeheartedly enjoy my sweet, beautiful, God granted familiy/children...and the sweetness of life itself.

While laying in bed last night, I decided...

2010-05-28T09:32:00.000-04:00

That I am going to spend my last 6 days before my surgery convincing myself that I WILL SURVIVE THIS. Bc even if I wasn't meant to survive, what are the negative thoughts doing for me at this time?? Since last week (and finding out about fellow percreta mama's death), I have been so down...and its just been stealing a lot of the joy I should be enjoying in my life. And to tell you the truth, I still think that there is so much of this journey that has alluded to me living when all is said and done. Why would God work so hard in the beginning to lay it on my heart to get to this hospital, to end up with these doctors. They have saved Ansen's life (from termination) and now I am ever hopeful that they will also save mine. I know I can't be promised this outcome, but I will try my best to believe it. And believe in that feeling of peace that is always surrounding me. If I can convince my mind, body and soul that I WILL SURVIVE THIS, maybe my mind, body and soul will fight that much harder at delivery, even when I cannot consciously do so myself. I don't feel like my work is done yet in this world. I have so much good to share with the world, especially after all these amazing life lessons I have learned. For the last few weeks, I have been debating buying something for a project until after surgery...just in case....but now, today, I am going to send Doug to get it. Bc I WILL need it. Bc I WILL SURVIVE THIS. Off to go enjoy my beautiful life, my beautiful family, and the beautiful world all around me this long weekend before my surgery. The surgery I WILL SURVIVE.

Dear God,

2010-05-27T23:51:00.002-04:00

Its me, Melissa. I know I was a pretty crummy Christian before this whole experience....I accept and have been humbled to admit that I thought of myself first and foremost way too often. I hardly ever thanked you for the beautiful world around me. The only time I would talk to you was when I was making my list of "requests". I was the typical 'I believe its all about me, me, me...oh yeah and I believe in you too God'. I understand that although you don't make these trials for us to go through, you allow us to go through them to give us the opportunity to grow and show our faith to You. You use these trials to test all of us, the most faithless to the most faithful. And through my own trial here, this journey of faith, I have been to the lowest of lows.  Over and over again. I have had to put someone else's life ahead of my own.   I have had to make the hardest choices I have ever made in my life. I have had to accept that in the grand scheme of things, my own life isn't as important as I once thought. I mourn that I didn't live the first 29 years of my life in any especially fulfilling fashion...and I understand it may be too late to get another 29 years to make up for it. It's a LOT for someone to take in in only 8 months. I feel like I am ready to collapse from the sheer magnitude of so much info at once.

I know that my days have already been numbered by you, and that I can't beg or plead or pray myself another day, since you have a perfect plan for us all. Honestly though God, my biggest fear of losing my life is that I would lose my children, and possibly Doug, to this world.    The world that for many revolves around me, me, me, and money, and material goods. And its so easy to get lost in it all. To think that you are living the way you should be living, all the while worshipping false idols on a daily basis. I know this so earnestly, bc I was there. It's just too easy to be lead astray, especially when Doug would need to count on the world to help him raise 6 children by himself-he just couldn't do it all, while still needing to work to support them all. It breaks my heart to think about. How lucky I would feel to wake up after this, and recover, and get that chance to live that joyful, fullfilling, giving lifestyle 24/7; to cotinue to surround my children with the true meaning of life. And although I know this doesn't guarantee their faithfulness to You, it still is a better start then I had.

In the end though, I know I have to trust in Your perfect plan....bc like so many other instances of my life, I have been hit by the reality that I know little to nothing when it comes to the big picture that You have created and see before You. I have to trust and have faith that *hopefully* I have laid enough good foundation still, just in case. And that You love my children as much as I do, that You love Doug as much as I do. And that You will be there for us all, every step of the way, every single day-no matter what outcome is in store for us.

Thank you God, for Doug. I adore him so much-he is my best friend, my life partner, and no one in the world (except You) knows me better then he does. He is selfless, and puts me and our children first and foremost. He is a hard worker, an amazing husband and a much more amazing Daddy. Every day still feels like our first date. And he is such a good, Godly influence. He may not do the Church/Bible reading thing much, but He talks to You often, and has such incredible faith. Many times, when the going gets tough, he stregthens my faith with his words of wisdom. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and as my husband. You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God, for Kylie. My sweet first child. I wanted her to come years before her time, but you showed me the virtue of patience. And when it was her time to come, the happiness I felt! She is such a sweet and simple soul. She has little to ever complain about, and she loves and cares for You and this world and her family so much. Joy just pours out of her-she makes everyone happy.   And she has wisdom beyond her years. You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God, for Elise. My sneaky little surprise second child. I was afraid that I wouldn't love her as much as Kylie, when I had little time to even remember I was pregnant, with Kylie still being so young. But then Elise was born and in the NICU, and the love that poured out of me was amazing. She is so quirky and funny. She sees the world and has a million and one questions to ask. She is so motherly and loving-she reminds me exactly of ME at that age. You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God, for Caden. My first little boy. Just when I thought I was one really good parent, Caden's colicky little self came into this world. And I still adored him. He tested me over and over and over again. He still tests me. But he also can't stop kissing and hugging me. He is and has always been a cuddler. And just today, I was thinking that having that little bit of opposition could help him one day when he has to make the hard choices and go against the grain-maybe take on his own journey of faith. He has taught me so much about the depths of love and patience.   You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God, for Gavin. My first born twin son. I always wanted twins-and when I found out I WAS having twins, I couldn't believe it. He was my first complete placenta previa baby. He was so close to not being here, but you helped him find a way to implant somewhere he could grow, even if it wasn't a great place at all. And he made it safely to delivery, although his placenta gave me a bit of grief. He has the sweetest little kewpie doll face, and a spitfire personality to oppose it. He never leaves my side-I am his mama. I see that he will teach me similar lessons about love and patience that Caden has-he is so determined and spirited and he just adores being coddled, all the while also being as indepdent as he can be. You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God, for Rylan. My second born twin son. I thought one of the twins was a girl. I wanted a girl. And I was a little upset there was no girl. Rylan (and Gavin) showed me quickly that they were perfectly meant for our family. Rylan is another sweet soul. He loves to find a warm lap to cuddle into, or a warm arm to be wrapped in. And through all this struggles with asthma, he has shown me what strength is about. Throughout it all, he perseveres with a smile on his face. And a mermaid in his hand. He keeps me smiling and laughing. He is very protective of his twin, and he adores his siblings. He is joy and life and love. You have truly blessed me God.

Thank you God for Ansen. My last son-the one that opened my eyes to life itself. I thought I know what I needed, and Ansen taught me about what was truly missing in my life. And it wasn't about dressing a little girl in pink and tights and bows. I was fearful of going into this pregnancy, but I felt Ansen's strong little soul always on my mind. And I took a leap of faith. I have seen his strength, as he himself as endured so many trials. When I was told to terminate his life, I had to make the hardest choice of my life and choose this path....my journey of faith into the unknown. Bc I saw how he fought, and his fight for life gave me the strength to fight. He fought against impending miscarriage, and he beat the odds. He has fought every step of the way to be here, and to join our family. He, like Gavin, only find his way here through Your guidance God....he could find no place to implant, and last minute, he found somewhere...although certainly not the best spot at all. He could easily not be here, so many instances that he should't be here....but he IS here. Growing and kicking inside me. Almost ready to be born. He has taught me how to open my eyes to the true meaning of life-the joy I am/have been surrounded by on a daily basis. I will never be the same and I wholeheartedly embrace it. You have truly blessed me God.

And lastly God, thank you for the beautiful world around me. How could I be so blind before?? And the wonderful friends and family you have surrounded me by. My family might be a bit rough around the edges, and many have much to learn about You still, but they have made me who I am. Through thick and thin, my family is love and strength and togetherness.   I love my mom and dad, my sister and my brother, their significant others....my mother in law, all my other sister/brother inlaws, and aunts and uncles and cousins and passed grandparents.   And some have indeed made life challenging at times for us, but I am sure that one day, they will also See and FINALLY understand us...and our life, and maybe life itself We still love them though, bc You taught us the selfless act of genuine love. My friends are my rock. The ones that support me, even when they might not agree or understand....they have given me such deep strength every step of this journey. Everyone of them has almost been hand picked at times throughout my life, and they are all so incredibly special to me now...and always. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing extended family surrounding me at all times. I can't thank God enough for any and all of you. You have truly blessed me God.

All I ask God, is that You please help me find that extra bit of faith and strength in me to continue to walk bravely on, even when my fear tries to get the best of me.   Facing this kind of fear head on has been paralyzing at times. Only with You, have I been able to get up and stumble forward. I trust in You and your perfect plan, and my faith remains strong, no matter how terrified I might be. But I won't lie.  It's not been easy, and it certainly isn't any easier as the final leg of this journey draws near. I don't regret any of it, although at times, I curse putting myself in the situation I have...but then I am reminded of Ansen's little soul and life-he was truly MEANT to be here. I am certain that You don't appreciate watching us struggle with these great challenges we sometimes have to face, but that at times, you canoot make our life any easier bc we NEED to travel these life lessons so that we can truly learn and become these life lessons.   My journey, albeit NOT FUN, has taught me more then the last 29 years of my life alltogether.  And I truly appreciate the me that has been revealed. It's not been easy in the slightest way, but it's been beautiful and joyful nevertheless. And right now, I am just fighting to keep that joy in my heart...and not let it be pushed out by those dark fears, always sneaking in on me.

Thank You God for the past, and the present, and whatever future You have in store for me. I hope that I can make You happy and proud when all this is said and done; that I can share and spread Your love and the joy and gift of life itself to others, in some way or another.

Love,
Melissa

7 days to go....

2010-05-27T21:40:00.003-04:00

Everything has been mostly fine, up until this morning when I realized I had to face my biggest fears in 7 days. Then the anxiety started up majorly. You know, the racing heart, feeling like you are suffocating feeling. 7 short days. Most of the time, I feel like everything will be okay, But then I remember the words of my dr to my husband...it rings in my ear contantly....."this is bad situation, really bad". What happens if my bad/really bad goes bad, really bad in surgery. I hate being in this situation, especially as it gets so close.

My dad was over yesterday and yelling at me for having Doug take off 3 weeks after the surgery. Because of all that potential lost money. He has spent enough of this last month yelling at me for having Doug take FMLA and working less hours so that he could stay close to home....my dad reasoned that he could "help". His version of helping includes critically assessing everything we do and letting us know how much he disapproves. Every day he mentions that I need to send the kids to school, like I should put them in the car today and just drop them off. Oh, and I desperately need to get a job once Ansen is here...I got the degree and now its time to do what I am "supposed" to be doing. And of course, his newest that Doug doesn't need to take 3 weeks off. 1 week is more then adequate.  I am sure I will find loads of other people that are willing to help dress my 12+inch incision I will have on my abdomen, who will help me empty the urine bag I will mostly likely have from a 2 week catheter, who will help me take care of the kids, help with Ansen, help with whatever aches and pains I am having, help get me to my appts, etc. No problem. I have people just LINING UP right now to do that so that Doug can get back to his "most important" job...working.

I love my Dad so much and I know he means well, but most of his loud and brazen suggestions about what we are doing right and wrong with our lives are money based. I am one big money making failure in his eyes. Money makes the world go 'round, you know. Forgive me for caring very little about money right now. I tried to keep it together and just ignore it, but I wanted to scream "what good will money be to me if I don't make it through this surgery". Money can't buy me or guarantee my life. Money doesn't control everything. Money doesn't buy happiness or joy either. Oh, and I haven't yet heard of a way that money could buy me or Doug or my children's souls a way into Heaven either btw. I am SOOOOO sick of hearing about money and how we are failing at life bc we don't have loads of money pouring out our pockets. Our mortgage is paid. Our bills are getting paid, slowly but surely. Tonight's call from my Dad that Doug should work basically every day up to delivery was just another slap in the face to me. Can I just enjoy a few days of Doug being home (in between him working, which he IS still doing), so that I can spend and enjoy these special days with my entire family together before I have to face this nightmare head on??   I don't want or need the daily phone calls asking when Doug is working and WHY he isn't working tomorrow....or any other days...thankyouverymuch.

Anyways, enough with that rant. The other night, I got really freaked out. I woke up in the middle of the night and I "think" I was in the middle of a dream, bc I thought there was a really tall bookcase in the corner with a black shadow sitting at the top-I assumed a man or person. Of course, then I shook myself awake, and there is NO bookcase in that corner to begin with. But then the freaky part. Kylie suddenly sat up (yes, she and all the kids are sleeping in our room right now, on mattresses on the floor, bc we haven't made the time to put together all their bunk beds that are in pieces in the other bedroom)...and she pointed to the SAME corner and said "mommy, do you see that BIG bug over there". I reassured her that there was no bug in the corner and she laid back down and went to sleep, but it really freaked me out. Then I was laying down, starting to drift back asleep when I heard someone say (I am assuming it must have been on the radio???) that "everything is going to be okay". And I feel asleep with a small feeling of reassurance. Of course, now I am trying to think WHAT song it could have been....I don't know what to think?

Today I went in for my NST....Ansen was asleep the beginning and his heart rate kept dipping down into like 115 and it was kinda worrying me, but then he woke up more and started having some good accelerations and his baseline heartrate was up to 130, instead of 120. Then I went into the office to get my steroid shot. As soon as I walked in there, I started feeling dizzy and my heart started racing. It just hit me all the sudden AGAIN that in 1 short week, my dr will be attending my surgery and finding out for himself how involved this all turns out to be. I was looking at the other pregnant people in that office...and thinking how lucky they are not to have to face this kind of delivery (since I am the only one in the high risk hospital office with this right now, I am safe to assume that.)

I am doing my best to walk forward bravely, knowing that God is certainly with me in my journey. But as strong as the faithful part of me is, the human part of me is still absolutely terrified.   I want to drag my feet (or maybe kick and scream and run away is a better analysis), but I know I can't. It's like standing at the top of a 20ft building...oh, and the building is on fire, burning bit my bit. I am now on the ledge, and altlhough I have been promised that everyone will be trying their best to be at the bottom with a safety net...there are no guarantees the net WILL save me. I have felt God's love around me, and it certainly is the only thing that will help me make this final jump....or leap of my journey. But I am still scared. I can't shake that fear, bc every day I have all these reminders around me....all these special little people, and my loving husband, and the sweetly singing birds, and the hot sun and cool breezes, and the beautiful world around me....of what I could potentially lose at the end. Maybe it would have been easier if I had been hospitalized the last few weeks, bc then I would have been a bit more numb to the joy all around me.

This is definately the most difficult part of my journey so far. Its easy to talk the talk, but when it comes down to physically walking that walk, its just so incredibly hard...and humbling. Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt, on the last leg of HIS journey, dragging His own cross, walking off towards His own certain death, humiliated every step of the way. And to think that I am having a hard time dealing with THIS??? His faith was so strong and so true.  I am trying to trust and embrace my faith, but I am embarassed that I am not braver and stronger...and that I still can't help but cry too often...and worry too much about my Earthly life. *sigh* Its just so hard....and we are only hours away from making this only six days til my surgery. Just wish there was a fear switch I could simply/easily *turn off*-how much easier that would make this....

34.5 week appt

2010-05-24T13:04:00.000-04:00

So today, I got to see Ansen blissfully sucking his thumb on ultrasound. It was very soothing on my soul...this last few days, I have been focusing on the fear for myself and my other kids/Doug and not thinking as much about Ansen. And then I look at this picture, and I think about how he is feeling happy and warm and loved inside me still, throughout all the chaos on my mind. I am STILL doing something right here, no matter how much wrong my placenta may be doing, he is still well protected and nourished and just plain content.

I keep having the same "it will be okay" feeling of peace, over and over and over again...even after hearing that horrible news about Kym. But I still worry of course. Today I had my appt, and the peri doing surgery (Dr. H) wanted to talk to my husband about things. He had to let him know there was a chance of death with this and that as my healthcare proxy, he needs to fully understand at what point I would not want to live. I have told Doug from the start that if there is even a CHANCE for me, I want to live. Nothing like talking about situations of me being on ventilators and such to really get your spirits up high about your upcoming surgery. I had bloodwork done today (CBC) to tell how everything is looking pre-surgery...hopefully iron is still nice and high. I have to go in Thursday for another NST (non stress test) and a steroid shot...followed by a 2nd steroid shot Friday.

Next week is surgery week. I don't know how I should be feeling. I am glad the whole thing will finally be over, but I don't want everything to be over. Really hoping I can survive this surgery AND my recovery (since Kym died during her recovery period-5 weeks after surgery :( ). I had a quickie ultrasound by Dr. H (after ultrasound I had before appt), so he could check where my placenta is. He should its going to be close as to whether or not he has to cut into placenta to get baby out. My placenta extends almost all the way to the top of my uterus, as well as completely covering my cervix. Its just massive and everywhere. He is going to cut the very top of my uterus open and hope for the best that he has avoided placenta, bc if he has to cut into placenta, my bleeding will become pretty severe immediately.

I might or might not have interventional radiology appt on Thursday as well...they are still deciding whether or not they want to do balloon catheters. I am at the point that I figure what is meant to happen will happen...I can't stress about if I have catheters in or out, if I have placenta in or out, whether or not I can breastfeed, bc in the end, if I am alive and well for my 6 children and my husband, I will be forever grateful.

As scary as things are, I still feel God's work and love all around me. I still feel like I have grown into a much better person through this journey...and I GREATLY appreciate the new me. I now truly "get" what life is all about. In the last 2 months, I haven't been allowed to go shopping (one of the things that gave me some of my greatest joy before this-besides my kids of course)...I haven't been able to go much of anywhere actually...yet these last 8 weeks hope with my family have been some of my most joyful ever. I am surrounded by the true meaning of life. And what an amazing job I have, to love these little people and to encourage them to stay true to themselves. They live with such a joy and love for life already....I am learning more from then, then many times they learn from me. Still hoping for the best here, so I can continue to live this beautiful life I have been blessed with and continue to be around all the incredibly people I am lucky enough to call my family and my friends.

The lowest that low can be....

2010-05-23T01:21:00.002-04:00

I belong to a board of people that have "survived accreta/increta/percreta". There are quite a few survivors that post and help answer our questions and give advice. There are quite a few of us that are pregnant and going through this together. 3 of us are delivering within the next 2-3 weeks. One of us had her baby about 6-7 weeks ago, a little girl born at 31 weeks. She had a pretty extensive percreta (what they suspect I have). She survived her massive surgery, was in hospital for 12 days, and kept posting about all the pain she was in still, weeks after surgery. She went back into hospital 4 weeks ago. We haven't heard a thing since and were concerned of course....but I had HOPED really hard that maybe she had her surgery and then maybe daughter came home...and I know time goes by in the blink of an eye when you have a newborn at home..

Well today, we learned she died on May 8th. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach-the sickest I have felt this entire pregnancy. She had JUST turned 27 years old and now her 4 children, ages 5 and under, are motherless. Her husband, who was on FMLA while she was in the hospital on/off with this for months, has lost his partner and wife. Her baby girl, Holly, who she fought so hard for will never know her mommy. She offered me and others countless support. She had thought that by surviving her surgery, she had beat it. I just want to throw up, cry and run far, far away from this all. WHY did I let myself get into this mess. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to do this anymore. Having faith doesn't promise you will live through something. I am scared of dying, but I am MUCH MORE TERRIFIED of leaving my babies to deal with the death of their mommy, leaving Doug to deal with the death of his best friend and wife. I have been trying to look positively forward, making plans for the future, reassuring my kids that after Ansen is here, life will FINALLY return to normal. What happens if it doesn't?? What happens if I absolutely, positively ruin their lives by dying on them??? I have no one around me that can take on my role. I have no idea how Doug would take care of 6 kids by himself, while trying to work to support 6 kids.

I have been scared of dying this whole time through, and so have all of us on that board. And now, we are all reminded that they aren't kidding when they say you can die from this. I love Ansen so much, but I am also not ready for these next 11 days to be my last 11 days. Its not fair! In the beginning, I was made to make the decision of ending Ansen's life or taking the chance of risking my own life. My mind and spirit has been tortured from the very start of this pregnancy. Why would God let me go through SOOOOO much, only to hear this final blow to my strength and my soul, 11 days before my surgery???? I just wish I could wake up and have this all have been one big extended nightmare.

I thought I was brave enough to finally face this surgery. I don't want to do it anymore. I am not ready to leave this world yet and ruin my family's lives. I just want to sit at home, enjoying my kids, hanging out with my wonderful, sweet husband, and I want all this scary stuff to just disappear. I don't want to deal with serious risks and risks of death anymore, I don't want to sign any more healthcare proxys, I don't want to have to STILL consider writing letters to my family, telling them how much I loved them. I didn't learn to truly live, love, and appreciate the simpleness of life itself until just recently...I haven't had enough time to enjoy my new sight of the world. I wasted so many of my years here, accomplishing very little of value, caring more about "having fun" then anything else. I haven't made much/if any impact on this world-any impact I may have minutely made on my children can and will very well be erased if I leave them with my death to deal with. Half of my kids won't even REMEMBER ME! I still don't think I ever could have terminated Ansen's life, but now I see that although I considered how much ending his life would tarnish my own soul and how it would unjustly end his life and his little soul as well, that I didn't fully consider that by having my life ended through complications of such pregnancy, that I could ultimately ruin/tarnish 6/7 other souls here as well. I have put my trust and faith in God, but if I die, I think more around me would abandon God then embrace Him. I wrote this blog to hopefully be a testament of my faith, but instead, it could very well end up to be nothing more then my journey of fear-come true.

Just wishing I could find a way run away from this all myself. But I have put myself in this deep ditch now...actually its more like a trench, or maybe a sinkhole. I have let myself get into a situation where there is no getting out of it without the most serious of help. Oh, and the help could ulimately kill me. Wonderful. At this moment of my life, I am NOT thrilled that I followed my heart and hoped for the best this pregnancy. How stupid was I. Hoping for the best does little for your spirit when you are facing the worst...and then you have the worst, WORST to remind you how little your strong heart/spirit can do for you when it comes to some of these complications. And how little that strong spirit and caring heart can do when you are gone-and leave the ones that you love...alone...in great sadness.

Sending my thoughts and prayers to Kym's family right now, as I try to figure out a way to not be terrified for myself and my family this next 11 days.....

34 weeks TODAY!

2010-05-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

Never thought I would see 34 weeks with this pregnancy. What a huge blessing that I have finally reached such an amazing milestone. If Ansen was born now, he would do fabulous....his lungs would be pretty darn close/if not fully matured by now, and he would be over 5 lbs. Its amazing that this baby kicking up a storm inside me this morning is the same one they told that was a "bad one"...the one that was almost certainly miscarrying.

Today I am having a "really excited to think about meeting Ansen/having him in our family forever" kind of morning. That first moment I get to hold him, I am going to cry buckets of tears for sure. And I am never going to want to let him go-I can just about guarantee that. I can't wait to see what he looks like. Kylie has dreamed about him having brown hair. If he does have brown hair, will he follow the "cloned" version of our other 2 brunettes here (bald at birth with their kewpie doll face), or will he switch it up, and have Doug's face with lots of brown hair?? Will he come out totally difrerent looking, be a blondie-or a totally different model alltogether?? In ultrasound, I have been able to see glimpses of his full cheeks and lips, so that is basically all I can guarantee right now. I just can't wait to see his little face and take it all in!!! I want to meet the little boy that has lived in my heart for so long, meet the little boy that has fought for his life from the start, meet the little boy that I have fought so hard for. Everyone will want to meet him, but I can't promise it will be easy to pry him out of my arms once he is finally where he should be-safe in my arms AND safe in this world!

NST this morning and a thought....

2010-05-20T09:03:00.000-04:00

NST at 930 am, I am sure Ansen will pass it fine, but lets hope the contraction fairy isn't visiting me again (since I only know when I am having them when they are really strong).

Last night, I was laying in bed, thinking about how my maternal/fetal dr doing surgery (Dr. H) has definately been handpicked for this surgery for me by Someone who knows better then me. Dr. H reminds me of Dougie Houser. He is young, always seems deep at though, and is personable enough to give me a high five for not bleeding. The practice I got completely transferred to has 4 maternal/fetal drs. They rotate their positions, one will work the ofice, one will work ultrasound, one will work the hospital floors...and I think they leave someone open for surgery at all times.

When I was told to terminate the pregnancy in the beginning, my 2nd opinion turned out to be from Dr. H, who I met for the first time. He was working ultrasound. He was the one that told me the most joyous news of the time, that I did NOT need to terminate my pregnancy. He also told me that it looked like I was very likely miscarrying my baby, and he was truly sorry. And he actually seemed sorry, unlike the cold disposition of the ob I had seen earlier that day. I came in the following week, for another u/s to check out what was going on...and Dr. H was there again, just so happened to be working ultrasound that day again...and he said that sac hadn't changed much and it could go either way at this point. Those were words of hope for me.

At 12 weeks, I got completely transferred to maternal/fetal medicine and had my consult, with a new dr....Dr M He was very reassuring and kind, and I figured since I was consulting with him, he would do my surgery. But I never really saw him after that. I always saw the nurse, nurse K, who has been so wonderful to me. At 25 weeks and 6 days, I went in to hospital that night, bleeding....and who was there-on call for the hospital floor-well it was Dr. H. He treated me the whole time I was in the hospital, set up my ultrasound and MRI and diagnosed what he saw. Definite increta with suspected percreta. I went home finally, and then I saw nurse K again for most of the time. At 29 weeks, I went in to my appt and complained of some cramping, was put on the strip, and found to be contracting regularly. I ended up in the hospital again, and Dr. H was AGAIN on call on the floor and took care of me.

I was going in for weekly appts and u/s, and all in all, I had never even met one peri, had met 1 at the consult, had met 1 at an appt, and almost all of the rest of my care had been done by Dr. H. Thats pretty amazing considering its a practice of 4 people that rotate their positions, so most of our meetings with Dr. H have been bc of chance. I wondered who would do my surgery, and at 31 weeks, they had their normal weekly meeting about patients and they decided that. I asked nurse K if they drew straws and she laughed and said no, not exactly. I guess they had gone back and forth-discussing who would be best for it. Dr. M (the one I had met at consult) was the chief, with most years of experience, but in the end, Dr. H had offered to do the surgery, saying he felt very comfortable with the situation. For some reason, that gave me great peace when I found out.

And as I look back now, I realize that I might as well have had a huge, neon, blinking sign on Dr. H, saying "This one is "the one" to do your surgery". I can only hope that that means that he WILL be the one to preserve/save my life at this surgery. There must be something special about him, bc I have a hard time believing anything happens by chance anymore, especially when things line up in such a way as this has.

And as I finished thinking this thought last night as I finally starting to drift off to sleep, this song came on again. Before the Morning. Reassuring me to keep up the good fight, that God had me go through this journey for a reason, and that none of this would compare to the joy coming later. And I fell asleep with positive thoughts and peace on my heart.

Most times.....

2010-05-19T10:27:00.000-04:00

Most times....I feel at peace. When the dr starts talking about risks and such, I want to be like "but I FEEL like its going to be okay in the end...I have a peace about it, that always comes back to me no matter how down I may get". But I think that would just be putting my name in the books as officially CRAZY for sure. Since this pregnancy started, I have been very fearful, but also have had a sense of peace as well. If that makes any sense? When I got that first positive pregnancy test, in came the fear mixed with peace. When I was told to terminate the pregnancy and I found a way around that, only to be told that this pregnancy would be risky for sure, in came more fear, followed by the peace. When I found out that I had a complete placenta previa and what they suspected to be accreta, in came the fear, followed by the peace. When I started bleeding and delivery looked imminent, first came the fear, and then a gradual feeling of peace. When they confirmed accreta, then increta, then suspected percreta, first came the fear (albeit paralyzing at times), followed by the mysterious sense of peace. Throughout discussions of surgery and risks and death, I always start with the fear no doubt, but that innate sense of peace is never far behind.

Does that peace tell me I will live through this?? I don't know....I like to think thats the case of course. But its not that I feel "I will surely live" but that I feel "everything will surely work out right in the end". And I hope with all my might that that right includes ME in it. At this time it the right doesn't make sense without me...but I am no expert in life or the future either. Regardless, this peace is like God reassuring me that as out of control everything feels at times, that He is still right there besides me in all of this; that he still has his Hands, working good things, in the midst of this mess. And in the end, it will all make sense and be right. Doug feels the same way and has been much more positive in this journey. But he doesn't have drs talking risk, danger, death at practically every appt....when you hear these words so loudly over and over again, it gets harder to heard those whispers of peace. But they are there. Every time. Thankfully.`

sigh

2010-05-18T21:43:00.001-04:00

First of all, my urology appt went exactly as I expected it to go. There is some possibilities of major bladder repair needed (as well as a catheter for a good 2 weeks) but we won't know what will happen til I am opened up and a plan is decided for me. Pretty much everything I already knew.

So then, I had left that appt and was with my mother in law when I got a call from my dr, Dr. H, who is the maternal/fetal doctor performing my surgery on behalf of him and all the others. First he wanted to talk about his discussion with oncologist. She actually sent him his notes and she had put that most of the time she had talked about hysterectomy. Which I agree she did talk it the entire beginning. And then he said she had mentioned there was a slight possibility that she would just close me up and leave everything in me. Which is also kinda true (minus the slight part), but THEN, at the end, she emphasized that if she opened me up and there was no bleeding that she wanted to get baby out and leave it all in. I asked her quite a few times, bc I didn't understand what would be the basis of her decision if she didn't look around first and at least know for sure what is going on. Dr. H figured I must have misunderstood her, bc "she can be confusing" at times. Yeah, I'll agree with that! I again mentioned that it just worried me that she would want to close me up without knowing exactly what issues we were facing, and he said that she HAS to at least look around first. Then he asked me if I still wanted her at my surgery, or I wanted to meet her partner. I said she was fine...its not like I have anything personally against her at all, and she has had tons of experience, I just wanted to make sure that she is on the same page with everyone else here. If I end up with my placenta still left in me, with no concrete reason why, I will NOT be happy. But if I end up with my placenta left in me, and I am told they looked around and saw really dangerous blood vessels attached to things and placenta everywhere, well then I will be content that my best interest was surely in mind.

Oh well, like usual, I look like the crazy in the end. I wish Doug had been there with me at my appt, so he could have been another set of ears for me so that I didn't look like the irrational pregnant woman. But whatever. I know what I heard, and maybe she didn't intend for it to come out the way it did, but it did.

Anyways, then Dr. H started talking about how the oncologist was unhappy that my husband wasn't there at the appt, since its such a serious thing.  And that Doug hadn't been to ANY of my appts was concerning to him as well. He wanted to know if Doug was aware of all that is going on and why he hasn't made it to any of the most recent appts. I explained that since we have 5 kids, its easier for Doug to watch the kids and me to go to the appt and I assured him that I HAVE been upfront with Doug about all the scary risks for sure. Well he wants Doug to come in Monday now and he feels its very important to talk to Doug in great detail about all the risks to me this surgery. Augh. Can't wait for that one, especially what will be 10 days before my surgery. Doug knows I am at risk for dying this surgery, he has had his moments of being extremely nervous and scared and telling me "you know, it would really ultra suck if you died". You are telling me Doug! He is so much more positive then me though, especially lately. As we get closer to the end, he feels optimistic that this whole thing may *almost surely* end up incredibily hard, but that I will be fine in the end. And it was contagious feeling for a bit, bc I was feeling that there was a good chance of me living through this as well lately.

But now, I dread going to that appt and hearing all those death and danger risks of mine. Lately, I seem to have to be reminded about it a lot...and I am not sure why. I click on a link about something, only to read about a mother left in a vegetative state after massive hemmorhaging at her c-section. Then I have Kylie, who keeps mentioning that she doesn't want me and Doug to ever grow old and die. Whenever I try to disappear to use the bathroom without an audience (the impossible task), I can hear the twins start yelling mommy frantically, trying to find out where I have gone. I see how the number and ages of my kids seems to stress out most people...but us. Then I start to think about the impact my death could have, and it makes my anxiety kick in big time. I am not worried about me, I am worried about ruining the lives of Doug and my kids. I don't want to be reminded of my risks of death again on Monday.   I just want to hear that everything will be okay in the end. I just want reassurance.   I want to think that God won't let me die after all this. But bad things happen all the time in this world...bad things happen to mothers in this world...bad things rip families apart and ruin lives all the time. I am no more special then these people who lose their lives everyday.

I write this as I watch my three oldest playing barbies together. My twins are filling backpacks with cars. Doug is laying on the floor with the kids, telling stories. My life is so right and beautiful and fulfilling right now. We don't "have it all", yet we truly do have it all. Sometimes I want to stop time and just enjoy this moment of our life forever. I love Ansen and I feel like bringing his life into the world was still the right thing, but I am not ready to face the challenge of his delivery yet, nor the possibility of fragmenting our family forever.   I only have 16 days left til I have no choice but to face it...and its just too short. I am not done living or loving yet. I need a million more hugs and kisses and I love yous to shower my kids with...yet I still don't think that will be enough. I want to snuggle with my babies and take in all sweetness and all their innocence and all their joy forever.  And here I am, stuck in this awful situation, ready to face a terrifying situation that could end it all. I don't regret Ansen, but I surely regret being in this situation. But unfortunately, one couldn't happen without the other.

I am hoping that somehow, I can keep on enjoying my last 14 days of todays with Doug and my kids, through all these growing, sometimes paralyzing fears and anxiety of mine. I want to go to my last 15 days of appts and NOT hear all about my risks of death.  Can I please have some reassuring "we ARE going to get you through this" talks at this time....please!!!!!!

Another day, another appt....

2010-05-18T08:04:00.001-04:00

Went to maternal/fetal dr yesterday and he was convinced I had misunderstood the oncologist, bc what I was saying went against what he and his team of perintalogists had planned on. EXACTLY! So now he is going to give her a call and see what is up and clarify with what she told me. I "can't wait" to see what comes out of this. I am sure absolutely, positively nothing. Pardon my pessimism at the moment. I just start worrying everyone is going to show up at my surgery, only to flip a coin to decide what they are doing. Honestly, I just want my doctors to open me up, look at what they are facing and decide as a team what is the best mode of treatment in my best interest (and yes, I think my desire NOT to want placenta left in me should at least be considered in the grand scheme of what is going on in there). But obviously, I am past the point now of just running away from this all. In ~~18 days 17 days~~ 16 days, I will have to check in, let them put me to sleep and basically let them do whatever to me....all in the hopes that Ansen and I come out of this in the best condition possible.

Heading off to urologist today. Which will be a waste of my time if the oncologist is planning on just leaving placenta in me. The urologist will be at my surgery bc of the suspected percreta....if placenta is adhered to my bladder (and they decided to take the whole thing out, instead of just leaving it all in me as oncologist has preferred), they will need to disect that part of my bladder and put the rest of it back together again. I already know most of what I will be told today. If this plan of action occurs, I will need a catheter for 1.5-2 weeks while bladder recovers. That part will certainly NOT be fun at all, but in the end, I should end up with a smaller, but still very functional bladder.

My parents have to come babysit and my mother in law needs to bring me, all bc Doug is working. I told Doug to work today though, bc I have been all weekend that he should be home tomorrow....but now his work already put him on the schedule to work tomorrow as well. Hopefully, wanting him home tomorrow was more wishful then anything else....

I don't know why it hurts so much...

2010-05-15T09:13:00.000-04:00

but really, finding out about this new option and me very potentially not being able to breastfeed has just sucked all the life out of me. Its really taken away the last thing I was looking forward to. Besides being alive after all this I guess.. This whole pregnancy has been about me having to sacrifice everything important to me to give this baby his life. There were times that I didn't think I could get any lower...but I pushed on. For some reason, this news has just about collapsed me.

I know many people don't breastfeed and wouldn't understand how important it is to me, but its been what I have pictured this whole pregnancy...the light at the end of the tunnel. Getting through this and then having something beautiful and normal FINALLY happening for Ansen and I. And now, instead, my "normal" will probably be taking cancer drugs for months while bottle feeding, all while dealing with the effects of still having my distended uterus and placenta all left in me, while my placenta dies off, dealing with risks of infection and crazy bleeding, and perhaps side effects to these drugs I will be on as well. Oh, and can't forget healing from my huge vertical incision, only to need another later surgery. Such a touching, heartwarming future to look forward to.

Can't I just have one thing go right for me here??? The only choice I have gotten this pregnancy is the one whether or not I wanted to end Ansen's life. And since I chose to fight for his life, I have had to give up on having any more say in this pregnancy or my body. If the gyn-oncologist wants to choose the easier option for her (not even looking in to see if placenta has gone out and attached to bladder/not wanting to see if it could be somewhat easily detached and removed) but instead not touching anything and just simply closing me up, its her choice, no matter what I may want. I have to let them put me to sleep and do whatever to me. I give up. Throwing in the white flag. This pregnancy has officially stolen every last bit of joy out of me.

Every last bit of "me" has been removed at this point. I am stuck in this crappy reality show now, where everyone BUT ME gets a vote on what they want to do to me. WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANY SAY IN ANY OF THIS????? I can't even express how helpless I feel. Monday I will go into my appt with maternal/fetal medicine, probably cry a ton about this all while still trying to beg not to leave my placenta in me (all I ask as that they try as hard as they can to make sure there are NO other options before doing this), and I am now sure I will get 100% nowhere. Because what is important to me doesn't matter to anyone else. I am just a patient. I am just a statistic. I am just one big risk. That is it.

saw gyn-oncologist today....

2010-05-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I feel. First of all, she has dealt with this approximately 2 times a year since the late 70's...so I am glad she has some experience with it all. First she told me that there is a small chance I will keep my uterus and will keep placenta IN my uterus...and I am STILL not thrilled with that option at all. With this option, I would have to take a cancer drug for at least a month, and then either my placenta would dissolve (that seems unlikely) or I would need a hysterectomy later on. So at first, it sounded like a small chance, but then she was saying that once they get baby out, if I am having no bleeding, she really wants to just sew me up, keep placenta in and do the methotrexate. So now it is sounding more and more then a small chance. She was very reassuring that in the end, she wants me there for my kids and that she is going to pick whatever looks like my best option after baby is taken out, but I am so unthrilled with the idea of keeping my placenta in there and prolonging this nightmare even longer.

And I know this is stupid (bc obviously living through this is the most important thing in the end), but I really wanted to breastfeed and I wouldn't be able to with this option. I have lost complete control over all of this, ever since I chose the option NOT to terminate my pregnancy, all choices have been taken out of my hands and I have simply been stuck on this terrible roller coaster ride, unable to get off. This whole time, I have pictured getting through this nightmare and being able to breastfeed my baby boy. Its just something that is important TO ME. I need to be able to have SOMETHING at the end of this to look forward to (yes, I know besides the whole being alive part). its been hard for me to bond with a baby that "might not make it" this whole pregnancy...and I was looking forward to that special time of bonding with him and having some normalcy back in my life after an extremely abnormal, discouraging, depressing pregnancy.

This week was the first time they brought up the option of leaving everything in, and its most due to what the gyn-oncologist wants to do. I know my maternal/fetal doctors do not want to leave placenta in and they think its just delaying problems, not getting rid of them. I am going to bring it up at my appt Monday that I would really love it if they could pull some weight towards the "taking out everything, doing whatever repair is neceassary" option of this surgery. But then I think how insignificant bf'ing is vs. the grand scheme of the seriousness of this is. I know, I know. Just sucks that all these new options are being brought out, and the thought of having to take methotrexate, deal with infections, deal with having future surgeries to remove placenta AND not being able to breastfeed my baby boy :( ...well I just feel sad and sick thinking about it all.

I want nothing but the best outcome obviously....its just hard losing all control of everything that is important to me. In 20 days, I have to put my life in everyone else's hands...and hope for the best. I have had to give up so much this pregnancy, and now I might have to give up things really important to me after the pregnancy. Its just neverending and I feel like I am losing my "strength" in all this at times. The only thing that keeps me hanging on at times is the thought that God has a perfect plan for Ansen and I at the end of this journey-and I am anxious to see it. But its NOT been an easy journey at all, and the truth is I am feeling very "beaten" by it, especially today.

20 days to go until I find out what the outcome of this nightmare will be, and whether or not this nightmare will be indefinately lengthened..... *sigh*

21 more days to go....

2010-05-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

3 weeks from today, we will be facing finding out what the end of this journey will entail. I am both glad that its almost here, but also scared out of my mind that its almost here. I want it over but I don't look forward to going through any of it. Can I just wake up 22 days from now and have it all over please?? I can't even express to anyone the relief I will feel once I wake up and know that I have made it through this all. I will finally be able to get rid of months and months of gut wrenching fear. When I think about holding the "baby that shouldn't be here" for the first time, I start to cry each and every time. After having SOOOOOOOOO many bleak moments this pregancy, it just seems so surreal that there is still a possibility of a happy ending when all is said and done.

Tomorrow morning at 9am, I have my appointment with the gyn-oncologist. That should be interesting. I am hoping she isn't too "barracuda-rish" with me. I cry too easily right now, and I want this meeting to be informative and *maybe* reassuring in some way (especially since she is the one with the most experience with this). I don't want my appt to consist of me simply turning into a blubbery mess the whole time.

In this next 21 days, please pray that my doctors will have the insight they need to get me through this surgery safely. I am hoping that God will work through them, their brains and their hands, to get me the best outcome. I still have so much good to bring into this world, and so much good to instill into my children.

Off to go spend the rest of my day with the 6.5 most important people in the world. God has granted us another gorgeous day, with sun and pleasant temps-its the perfect day to sit outside and give thanks for the simple pleasures of life all around us.

I am getting really frustruated....

2010-05-12T23:24:00.000-04:00

So today I called up about my interventional radiologoy appt that was supposed to be tomorrow (the 13th), and I was told it had gotten bumped til the 27th (this is the appt where I talk about the pros and cons of the balloon catheters in uterine arterines, which could be blown up during surgery to slow down any major bleeding going on). These balloon catheters have done really good things for many on the accreta board, and after utilzing them, quite a few only needed like 4/5 units of blood (vs the average 9 units of blood needed. Since hemmorhaging is one of my biggest fears this pregnancy, I am ALL for them. So later on today, I got a call from maternal/fetal office telling me about all my appts they had scheduled for me, and I asked about that radiology one (to confirm what I had already found out earlier that day) and they told me the radiologist didn't have a need to see me and that if I needed anything after the surgery, they would just do it then. Ummmmmmm, these balloon catheters go in right BEfORE the surgery. Have my doctors changed their plans again?? Are they now opting to not use them??

I am getting very frustruated and discouraged lately. At 26 weeks, I had an MRI they showed them increta, and an u/s that made them high suspect percreta (the absolute worst case scenario). Everything was talked to me then about how they would go about doing the surgery. I figured after that, we would keep a close eye on placenta and what it is doing, but no one has wanted to take much of a look at my placenta at all since then. I have just had mostly the BPP's and one growth u/s. The tech will peek in at my placenta in the beginning and then write complete placenta previa...and thats about all they look at. Since I am nearing my delivery, wouldn't it be nice to take another look and really get a good idea what kind of situation we are getting into?? Back at 26 weeks, they said only a small area of bladder was involved. What if its now some HUGE amount of bladder involved....but who would know, since no one checks anymore. Not that I want to go in for another MRI, but wouldn't that be helpful to do again as well, since that is one of the best diagnostic tools for accreta/increta/percreta? And then I get to my appt on Monday, to hear that they have been talking about leaving my placenta and uterus in this whole time. Why has no one told me that?? I am not a big fan of this method, and from what I have read about it, its the "old school" way to treat percreta. They have found more success with removing it all at delivery and doing whatever bladder/organ repair is needed. But now I have to go for a meeting with gyn-oncologist and tell her that I don't want my placenta left in me unless there is no other choice...but I guess she is the one that is all for it. Oh and I have been warned that she can be persistent and is a barracuda. Goodie. So all this is going on, and now my radiology appt has been "cancelled??" I guess, bc they will just do whatever procedures they need to after the surgery? Have my doctors decided not to do the balloons now?? They were all for them on Monday. Do I get a say in any of this?? Its not like my case has suddenly gotten less serious in the last 6+ weeks. Actually, it could be more serious, but no one would now since no one checks what is going on in there with my placenta anymore. Yet things are getting dropped, new things added...and I find out only by accident it seems.

I start to worry if I picked a group of doctors that doesn't know what the heck they are doing with this. I am the only case they have of this right now. The gyn-oncologist has the most experience with it and is the most important person to have there, but all the sudden I am finding out she wants to go a totally different route then she mentioned to me before. I NEED to keep my faith that God lead me to these doctors and to this hospital for a reason....but just getting might discouraged as the surgery gets really close (22 days away), and things are still so wishy washy. I am told one thing, and then I am told something else. Over and over and over again. Its enough to make the most sane person crazy. And now I have to wait til Monday again to address all this. *sigh*

"I don't know how you stay so strong-I would be a mess".......

2010-05-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

Thats what I heard today from my favorite nurse, after she sat in with me talking to the maternal fetal specialist. It was meant to be a compliment for sure. I didn't really know how to respond, bc I don't think I am THAT strong at all. When he mentioned "risks of death", I felt sick to my stomach for sure, and one of the last things I said to my dr today was "I will do whatever I need to, as long as you can keep me alive". So yes, I am most certainly fearful. But I have had to accept that I am not in control of any of this anymore. And I don't like not having control, but its the way it is. God is in control and I have to keep faith that God is orchestrating my care/surgery right now. And I have great peace in that, at least. Can't ask for Someone better on your side. I am not brave at all, but full of faith I am.

This morning Kylie woke up me out of a dream (a stupid one at that) to tell me in an excited voice "mommy, I dreamt about Ansen again, I dreamt about Ansen again". She recalled her dream in great detail and I snuck in the "so mommy was in this dream, right" and she nodded excitedly, telling more and more details. Like how Ansen will have brown hair and a great big smile *like this*!! It made my smile. I like to think that God is sending Kylie these glimpses of the future to be a reassurance to me. I know it's silly to consider, but I will consider it just the same. These dreams she keeps having gives me a glimpse of what I have fought for this entire journey.

I have some appointments upcoming that I am not looking forward to, although they will be informative for sure. One is with the gynecological oncologist, who I found out today is entertaining the idea of keeping my placenta and uterus INSIDE me after surgery and then having me take methotrexate for a few months to shrink, to be taken out at a later time. I am not a big fan of this option at all, and neither is the maternal/fetal specialist doing my surgery. He wants to get placenta and uterus out asap, as well as any whatever parts of bladder may be attached to placenta. If they keep uterus and placenta inside me and give me methotrexate (cancer drug) A. I will not be able to breastfeed at all B. I will still need to have a 2nd surgery to remove placenta and uterus at a later time, its just postponing the inevitable C. There is a much greater risk of infection this option. So I have to go talk to her about my options and risks to me for each choice, and I am going to tell her that I do not want placenta and uterus left inside me unless there is no other choice in the matter. I'd REALLY prefer to breastfeed Ansen, since he is my last baby, but ultimately, if it comes down to life or death, I choose life. I have another appointment (maybe Wednesday) with interventional radiology, to discuss pros and cons of having balloon catheters inserted into my uterine arteries right before surgery. With these balloons, once surgery is started and baby is delivered, they can be blown up, which will cut off blood supply to a lot of my uterus, saving me from some blood loss. From what I have read, most that have used balloon catheters have certainly benefited from them, so I am pretty convinced that they are something I want at my surgery as well...but will wait to see what they have to say about it all. I also have to see urology, since they are concerned there will need to be bladder repair. At that appointment, I can find out how long I might need a catheter (usually about 2 weeks from what I have read), as well as any other questions I can come up with about any possible bladder involvement.

There is SOOOOO much crazy left to deal with these last 24 days. Part of me just wants it over right now, but I am also not looking forward to surgery day at all. My surgery is at 1 pm, on June 3rd. I am going to have to make it through half a day, feeling sick and anxious, waiting for that time to come. *sigh* I hope I can keep it together that day. Hope I can "appear" as strong as I guess I do right now.

Anyways, time to stop dwelling on that "tomorrow" and going to get outside and enjoy my today with my 5 beautiful children...and a dream of Kylie's that keeps me smiling. :)

this Mother's Day....

2010-05-09T11:43:00.001-04:00

I have always LOVED being a mom, since the moment I was able to become one. But it wasn't until this Mother's Day, that I really, truly appreciated it for what it really is.   I am the mom to *almost* 6 children. God has granted me 6 little souls to raise up in this world. And having 6 little souls doesn't make me any more worthy then someone who has one or two souls to raise up. Actually, its more daunting, if anything else...the more little souls I am responsible for, the more opportunities that I might fail one or more.

Motherhood isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Motherhood include innumerable joys for sure, but also innumerable moments of heartache and hardship. Moments-from conception on, that bring you to your knees. That first moment your child exerts their free will, acting VERY contrary to how you would have hoped them to act. At times, acting positively mortifying. Over and over and over again. That moment when they say something hurtful, either intentionally or nonintentionally. Those moments that you have to spend up most of the night, cleaning up throwup, giving motrin and breathing treatments, so tired yourself that you want to give up and run away. And then as they get older, their problems get bigger and more serious and MORE exasperating. They don't put those moments in a hallmark card.

But as mothers, we learn to get through a situation as "neatly" as we can (sometimes barerly holding on to our sanity) and we are able to see the next day with a smile. Because through all the difficulties, we appreciate that it takes A LOT of work to mold these helpless little beings into good, genuine, appreciative, hard working adults. As a little bonus, God gives all these little joys that come with parenting to remind us of the ultimate greater good-the rainbow at the end of the storm.  As much as I have tried to simply relish in the good and ignore the bad these last 6 years, I have come to the point where I now can appreciate the bad as well, bc it brings us to a newer and better "good" eventually. All those bad moments are nothing more then learning opportunties. When the kids are sick as dogs, it really makes you appreciate their health. When their behavior is absolutely deplorable, and you have to correct them a million times in one day, it really makes you smile when you see them act in a way that makes you feel proud. When you see your older children giving a little "lesson" themselves to the younger ones, on why this or that is not a good idea because...., well it reminds you that as much as you think you might be ignored the 100 times you have to say something, that in actuality, they are still taking in little (albeit sometimes miniscule) moments of value in each of these learning opportunities.

Becoming a mother has been a HARD journey for sure. It was much easier when I had 3 kids, 2 and under in some ways, just bc they were only starting to exert their free will at the time. Now I have free will flying in 5 different directions here, and its a constant battle to stay on the upper hand of it all. I have learned a lot throughout the years, and am still learning, every day I get further into the thick of it . Most especially, I am really trying hard not to speak with an automatic sharp tongue, but instead to think for a moment, and then respond in a thoughtful way, so that all 5 kids can learn something from whatever moment we are having. Its an ALL DAY job-starting as soon as these little people wake up, and not ending until the last is asleep at night!!! Every day of the week. Every week of the year. Every year for what feels like it could be forever.

So when I think of Mother's Day now, I don't just think of a group of women that have gotten to enjoy nothing but bliss and joy of being mothers. There is bliss and joy, no doubt, buts its intermingled with other less pleasant moments. We are clued into this right from the start of pregnancy, with sickness and aches and pains and sometimes heartache...and then a birth to get through, that this journey is not going to be an easy one at all Instead, I think of a group of women that should be revered for fighting the good fight, working through the todays to hopefully one day lead to a better and brighter tomorrow, filled with our one day grown up children....and then grandchildren. On Mother's Day, we can celebrate the kinship we share with all mothers all over the world, those of the past, the present and the future-that have fought/are fighting the good fight right alongside us.   I am proud to be "one" of them today...and every day!!! If mothering my children is the only BIG goal I ever accomplish in my lifetime, I will still feel like I went to the moon and walked it in its entirety. And we all should feel that way!

Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow moms!!!! Here's to a day/a week/a month/a year filled with MANY joys, as well as many great "learning opportunities" for us all! :)

God's work on me

2010-05-08T23:03:00.001-04:00

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

This might be a LONG post. The song lyrics above was a song that came on a few weeks ago on the radio as I walked into my bedroom. Usually, I just enjoy music for the sound and don't listen as closely to the lyrics as I should (I have liked many a depressing lyrical numbers, until Doug has told me what the song is actually about oops!) So as I walked into my bedroom, this night...which was a LATE night for me (and Doug was off on a run), this song started and it felt like it was playing to me. For some reason, I sat in bed and listened to the lyrics and my heart sang with joy as this song SPOKE to me. One part that especially touched me (besides the fact that there would be joy at the end of this hard time) was that all these things were happening to bring about a better me. I laid there, after this song was over, just thinking about what God would choose to teach me after going through this situation and when I really mulled it over, I saw this whole thing in a truly different light and the lessons it has taught me. Its amazing really, how much I have changed in the last 8 months. Although I am still human and spend quite a bit of my time scared of the surgery, I can see how this journey has most definately lead me to a better ending.

Before this pregnancy, I was a selfish person. I went into this pregnancy, feeling that little soul tugging on my heart. I wanted another girl, I was sure it would be another girl, and why did I want another girl?? So I could dress her up in dresses and tights and bows. I wanted a "more fun" baby to dress one last time. And my girls had been easier and I didn't want another challenging boy at all! So if you had told me that little soul would definately be a boy, well honestly, I don't think I would have taken the plunge initially. I am embarassed to admit it bc I adore ALL my children. But I thought if I prayed hard enough for my girl, I would get my girl and all would be great. Honestly, I was like a selfish kid. I would worry a little bit about things not going perfectly "to plan", but then I would tell myself that God would grant me what I wanted. How selfish I was.

I think I started to realize and address my selfishness once I found out it was a boy. At first, when I found out I was having a boy, I was like a kid in a candy story, having a fit. I was so mad and couldn't believe I was risking my life for "another boy". As soon as I muttered those words, I started realizing how horrible they were for me to even think. But I still prayed for my boy to turn into a girl. To think that I thought that was the WORST thing that could ever happen to me at the time.

And here I am today. I have seen that there is MUCH worse then just having a much wanted girl turn into a boy. I have gotten past the point of even worrying about ME dying in this. I know God would be happy that even through my selfishness, I was able to make the "right" choices. I have no worries about where I am going when I die. But to think of never meeting this baby I HAVE fought so hard to bring into this world, to think of leaving my other 5 children motherless as well, very likely to be lost in this very much lost world, to think of leaving my husband with the sadness of losing his best friend and partner in life...well that hurts more then some petty loss of not being able to buy pink clothes. Ansen has shown me what life is truly about. Its NOT about me. Not at all. I was granted this wonderful life, and my purpose is not how I can fulfill my "wish list" of things I selfishly want. Nope, instead, my life itself was my one and only gift, and now my purpose is to bring more beauty into the world (through my children, through kindness, and hope and love and faith, all the while helping others and showing them the true beauty of life).

When you realize your days might be numbered, you suddenly see life in a totally different view. Each warm, sunny day feels like a gift from above. Gloomy, rainy days may be no fun, but suddenly you realize that rain has a soothing rhythm to it, and it brings life to the green all around you. Our kinda run down, practically grassless (thanks to little feet trampling it all the time), .12 acres of land adjoining our house once was nothing but an embarassment to me...but now I sit on a blanket, watch my kids play and see our yard as they do, a joyful place that our family is together and enjoying the beauty of the world around us. I sit there and cross stitch, and these beautiful projects come alive right before my fingers. Just now, Kylie looked up at the sky, at a giant cloud with light peeking through and exclaimed "look Mommy, God is peeking at us again." with a big smile, and Elise and Caden gazed up, smiling, telling me other moments they have noticed God peeking at them. So many little moments, that once upon a time I overlooked bc I was too busy, distracted by life. The beauty of my children's dirty little feet, dirtied after a hard day's play in the backyard....those little feet, resting on mine, toes curled. Their sweet faces that I just want to memorize forever, cowlicks and curls, big cheeks, pouty lips, inquisitive eyes, and sweet smiles.....those expressions, their little sayings.  The movements I feel from within my body, reminding me that there is one more little special person, to one day to stare at and drink up. I just can't get enough of any of it. And then I see Doug interact with them and the love that pours out of him when he is around us all makes my heart just want to burst with joy.

Once upon a time, I was too busy to enjoy all these tiny little beautiful moments to my days, bc I let life get in the way. I didn't have as much time to enjoy today bc I was too busy making plans for tomorrow. And all the time, God was still working at giving me all that I truly NEEDED in life and waiting for me to realize that. And now, I fully understand that today is nothing more than  a gift to us, as is our life. We aren't promised tomorrow, never have been, never will be. And what makes these todays most special is not what we physically HAVE, but instead how we perceive what we already have around us. Today, I cherished all the little moments I could, and tried to savor all the sweetness of my day. And very likely, tomorrow I will wake up to another gift of today....another day to see and experience and share the beauty of the world and people around us again. But then again, maybe today was my last today.

A year ago, my prayers consisted mostly of a list of my desires...and a few thank yous here and there. To think I thought that was true "praying". And today, my prayers include MANY thank yous....and very few desires of mine. God knows my heart and knows I want to live through this and thats basically all I can think of that important enough to pray for besides keeping my family and friends safe and relatively healthy.   The rest of my prayers, usually whispered throughout my todays, include little thank yous for opening my eyes up to the beauty around me. Thank yous at night, when I see my sweet children, all cuddled up together at night, peacefully sleeping. Thank yous for the gorgeous palate of greens, with a kiss of color in all the blooming trees and flowers that surround us. Thank yous for the hot sun and cool breezes. Thank yous for my sweet husband. Thank yous for my wonderful mother in law, for my parents, for my sister and brother, for my niece, and for my friends. Thank yous for this sweet baby, rolling around and kicking within me. Too many thank yous to list, and to think that all I could think of to pray for before was my "request" list for the day/week/month.

So yes, I have most certainly been changed forever by this experience and its most certainly brought me to a new path of how I will live my life, no matter how long that may be.  Part of me regrets that it took 30 years to fully learn and appreciate these "lessons". My life had been heading in this direction for some time, but for some reason, I was reluctant to let go of the selfish nature of my life until recently. And of course, that still remains an ongoing battle at times (I have not been "cured" of all my selfishness). Look at one of my last posts, where I WANT to convince my group of doctors to listen to me and have delivery when I want it. And as much as I want to give them heck and get this baby safely out of me asap, I do feel like it's in God's hands now. And He knows better then me. So if it's in His will that Ansen will be born at 35 weeks and 6 days, so be it. And if it's in His will for Ansen to be born earlier, I am sure I will get memo somehow or another. I have 26 more days til my delivery, which is actually 26 more potential "todays" to live and love and appreciate and offer thanks for. And hopefully, this IS my dark before the morning, and it won't compare to the joy that I'll be feeling in 26 more days. Its nice to think about for sure, but whats even nicer is to fully take in and enjoy the blessings I am SURROUNDED by right now, at this very moment in time. I will continue to do my best to treat each today as the gift it was meant to be: with an open mind and a gracious heart.

reminding myself to stay POSITIVE...

2010-05-05T09:50:00.000-04:00

After my last post I just wrote, I realized how negative it is....and I just want to remind myself of the power of trying to stay positive. Sometimes I let my fears get the best of me, but what good is that?? In reality, I have no control over any of this. The only thing I could have had control over (ending this pregnancy) is what my heart could NEVER have let me do. There is nothing I can do now that can change God's will for the outcome of this journey. Just have to keep trying to stay positive here, and knowing that I have done the best I can do...all the while enjoying all these beautiful weather days with my family I adore so very much. My family is my light at the end of the tunnel and they are what I fight for. And Ansen is certainly an important final piece to my family that I love so much. So I will do what I have to, and just keep having faith that God has not left me alone in any of this. Need to stay strong...and POSITIVE!

just plain frustruated at this moment in time....

2010-05-05T08:31:00.000-04:00

Had my appointment on Monday. And after being told all these weeks/months about how I have an open invitation to stay at the hospital whenever I don't feel comfortable and that I am at a huge bleeding risk, I saw someone new and was told that it was still really early in my pregnancy and I certainly didn't need to be admitted yet since I am doing so well at the moment. First of all, I am almost 32 weeks, which is when things usually start going south with this condiition....and as happy as I am that things are going well right now, I do appreciate that with this, things can go from great to REALLY bad really quickly. I want to be home with my family and I would much rather be here then anywhere else, but I am just nervous as all heck. Go read acreta/increta/percteta yahoo message board if you want to know WHY I worry. I am the ONLY case of this right now at the maternal/fetal health group. This isn't your average, run of the mill, pregnancy complication. *sigh*

Last week, I talked to my favorite Nurse K about all my fears, who talked to one of maternal/fetal drs and agreed about delivery time I requested of 34 weeks.   But they were going to have a BIG meeting of all 4 doctors before they decided on a definite date. They originally told me they wanted me to get to 36 weeks for the best health of the baby. There is nothing more that I want then giving Ansen the best start of life either, but I also feel selfish nad I WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THIS. Waiting it out til 36 weeks puts me at a really high chance of having a substantial bleed (nothing like going into a surgery involving high blood loss-on average of 9 units of blood (just about what your body holds TOTAL) and lets add going into it already having lost a decent amount of blood. They also want to do a procedure where they put balloons in my uterine arteries, which could help prevent some of the major bleeding, but if I am in an emergency bleeding situation, you can kiss that option goodbye as well.

So anyways, when I went in for my appt, they told me they had their meeting, and they scheduled my surgery officially for 35 weeks and 6 days, unless things change by then. 34 week babies have VERY few problems at all and with the size of my children and Ansen right now (31.5 weeks measuring 4.5 lbs)...he would be a healthy 5.5-6 lbs. Two babies have been born healthy in my June board at 34 weeks. One is already home and the other one was just born yesterday and doing fabulously, no oxygen or anything. But we are going to try to get even further, just go give Ansen an even better chance of health, even if it means lowering my chances of good health.

I know I sound horrible and selfish right now, but I have risked my life for this baby for the last 26 weeks. Right from the start, when I was told to terminate this pregnancy, I vowed that if Ansen fought for his life, I would fight for his as well....and I would do what I had to give him the life he deserved. Even when I was told it was super dangerous bc of where he implanted. And for 26 weeks, I have fearfully gone through this pregnancy, terrified that I might have chosen to give up my own life for Ansen's. But still I chugged along, bc I KNEW he needed that time in me to have the best outcome. And now, he has reached the point where he is going to have an amazing outcome from here on. I did my part, I put myself in this horrible situation to give him life. And I AM DONE.  I want my doctors to STOP considering how they can get the world's best outcome for Ansen and start concentrating now on getting ME the best outcome now. Don't I deserve that? Most everyone on the acreta board thinks its crazy for them to try to get me that far, especially after the outcomes they have had. You know what would be nice?? IF I could actually be alive after the surgery to meet this baby I fought so hard for.  Or that I could be alive so that I can be there for the rest of my family after all is said and done.

I don't care how fabulously I am doing right now bc that can all change in a minute's notice. And I want to GO INTO my surgery after having a fabulous run...not after having all kinds of issues and bleeding episodes. Every day I get further, my risk goes up higher that that will be my reality. My placenta has gone through my scars and out of my uterus...as my uterus continues to stretch and grow, its highly likely that my uterus could start splitting apart in that obviously very weakened (since something has GROWN THROUGH IT) spot. I had the choice to end Ansen's life, but I have no choice in the matter of trying to now perserve my own. I feel absolutely helpless in the matter and it just plain sucls. So I will sit here at home, hoping that I don't start some crazy bleed all the sudden (I hold my breath everytime I use the bathroom) and will just wait 4 more weeks and 1 day, til the day my doctors have decided is just perfect for everyone else....and hope that the floor doesn't drop from under me before that.

Heaven is.....

2010-05-02T15:24:00.000-04:00

Heaven is....spending time with my 5 babies....outside in the warm weather, watching them play together, showing me how much they enjoy the gift of just having each other.

Heaven is....stealing kisses and hugs and I love yous whenever I can find the chance.

Heaven is....sitting on a blanket cross stitching while my kids have the time of their life splashing around in a 30 dollar pool.

Heaven is....hearing the chimes go off in our yard as a light breeze passes through.

Heaven is...watching my older kids push the twins around in their cozy coupes.

Heaven is...watching 3 oldest kids ride their bikes around with no training wheels now (GO Caden!)

Heaven is...kissing booboos and watching tears turn to smiles.

Heaven is...being around 5 people all day who are oblivious to the dangers and scariness of the next few weeks.

Heaven is...being around 5 people so extremely excited about a new baby brother.

Heaven is...feeling someone hiccuping and kicking from within, knowing those kicks and hiccups have gotten MUCH stronger this last 5 weeks.

Heaven is....having been able to spend another 5 weeks with my babies, out of the hospital.

Heaven is...having been able to give this baby boy 5 more weeks inside me.

Heaven is....having family and friends show their love and care for us in small, yet special ways.

Heaven is...hearing that a few Churches are praying for us and that friends and family continue to pray for us as well.
Heaven is...seeing the joy light up in the kids' eyes when my husband up at our house in his Mcdonald's truck for a quick visit while in the area.

Heaven is....having a husband that knows me like he knows himself and that makes me feel like the most special person in the world.

Heaven is....having a husband that adores all these children as much as I do.

Heaven is...having God on our side, no matter how scary this journey may be.