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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nothing much to update....

Just sitting around, waiting for time to pass.  And bc all my other kids are sick, I have had LOTS to keep my mind off of things.  I have an appointment with maternal/fetal specialist on January 6th and I am really nervous.  I am hoping that I can get some reassurance at that appointment, and I will leave that appointment feeling like I am finally in great hands this pregnancy.  Still trying to focus on the positives and try not to freak myself out about potential negatives.  It's hard though.  And lately I keep thinking about wanting to tell everyone about this baby.  I want to celebrate this baby with the world!  But then I come back to reality and realize that many won't be celebrating our 6th child with us....most think that us having 5 children was insane enough.  And that makes me sad.  This baby is so special bc s/he will complete our family.  I get teary thinking of the special moment we finally meet this baby that has been on our hearts for the last 2 years.  So I wait and think, but try to think too much...and I want to tell, but don't tell...and we quietly celebrate this baby in our own ways for now.  Hopefully one day soon, I will have more to update.  But for now, it remains a waiting game again....

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I LOVE my six kids! :)

During this BUSY holiday season, we are just trying to fully appreciate and celebrate the 6 blessings God has granted us!!!  We had an ultrasound yesterday and  our newest/last baby looked great!  Heart rate was 160 bpm and hemmorhage was gone.  Baby was moving all over the place, and then got the hiccups.  That was fun to watch!  And I am most certainly feeling movement now bc I felt baby while seeing baby move on ultrasound!  Nuchal fold measurement was perfectly normal as well.  Placenta is anterior and a little bit over cervix already.  Feeling nervous about that, but certainly feeling ecstatic that my baby that I was told A. I needed to terminate B. I would almost certainly miscarriage is doing so fantastic now.  Its just amazing!!!  Our family certainly has MUCH to celebrate this Christmas season! 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Having one of those days....

Today I got a call from the doctors office.  She has completely transferred my care to a maternal/fetal specialist.  I asked what I was supposed to do with the appointment I had scheduled with her the beginning of January and they said forget about it.  So I guess I am officially done with that office.

I feel conflicted. 

On one hand, I am very relieved.  She started my pregnancy off very poorly with her bedside manner and her insistence that I terminate pregnancy (on a condition that is VERY rare and that she should have NEVER diagnosed herself without a better ultrasound/second opinion.)  If I had just listened to her, my baby wouldn't be alive right now and for no good reason.  She was MUCH nicer at the 2nd/last appt I had with her, but I have to admit that when she did the quickie ultrasound and said "my look how big baby is", I wanted to say "can you believe that was the baby that could have been needlessly terminated, no thanks to you".  Of course, I didn't say that.  But its hard to trust someone that is supposed to put their life's work into bringing babies safely into the world that is so nonschalent about ending one of those lives.  And I wasn't all that appreciative into the "I would have made you tie your tubes the last pregnancy" comment either.  My last ob didn't say it was life or death I tie my tubes AND this dr didn't even know me, yet felt bold enough to make that comment.  Anyways, I appreciate and understand why being transferred to a maternal/fetal specialist would be the best choice and I am certain I will receive excellent care.

On the other hand, I am scared.  Terrified actually at times.  I am now deemed high risk, and high risk enough that they only want me to see maternal/fetal specialist (with twins, I piggybacked my care with regular ob and perinatologist).  I am suddenly terrified of something happening to me at delivery.  And leaving all my kids and my husband alone.  Being told you are high risk makes you start worrying about things like that.  Today, after getting my call, I was asking myself "WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE".  Sure, I felt this baby around me and it wouldn't leave my mind ever, but I could have lived the rest of my life, feeling this feeling, RISK FREE, right?  I might have spent the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I took the leap of faith, what might the outcome have been, and who would be that last person we could have added...but I would have very little risk to me thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings, while still continuing to raise my family.  And now, I am living that leap of faith and going through this unknown journey and sometimes feeling unsure over what the end result will be.  And bc of chance-of where baby implanted-I am now at high risk.  And I have to face those chances of something going terribly wrong.  There are chances that just scare the heck out of me.  And suddenly, I start to feel stupid for being so hopeful going into this all. 

But then I think of my baby and seeing her/him on ultrasound, kicking and bouncing all around.  How could that little person growing inside me be my biggest mistake.  My baby that fought past hurdles already herself/himself with the hemmorhage I had going on in there.    And I feel like this little, growing person was meant to be in this world and I was meant to be her/his mommy....and I picture myself making it through this journey, watching my baby growing up and thinking "THIS is why that whole nightmare was worth it."  And I just hope with all I have in me that its not just wishful thinking, but instead a tiny glimpse into my future. 

I need to have faith that God will hear my prayers AND answer my prayers.  I do feel like I am being lead in a certain direction, and I am listening and following those whispers in my heart, even if its different from what I would normally choose.  From the start of the pregnancy, I was all ready to call the practice that runs out of the hospital I had delivered all my other kids at.  I LOVE that hospital, I have fond memories of having ALL my babies at that hospital, they give you this amazing reusable cup with a straw to drink out of-water never tasted so good, and they were able to give me good care for my moderately high risk pregnancy with twins.  The other practice, based out of the biggest hospital in the area, was NOT much of an option for me, just bc I felt like that hospital was too big and too unfamiliar...and I just loved my other hospital THAT much.  I had planned to give the practice a call when I hit 8/10 weeks, since they don't do much for you before that.  And then, I had the bleeding at 5.5 weeks.  And I called the first practice that came to my mind, even though I didn't want to deliver there at all.  I saw this doctor, who was NOT nice or empathetic at all, and she gave me the WORST news of my life (that I would have to terminate).   But then I get referred over to perinatology for a better ultrasound.  And with my heart filled with dread, I went into that appt and was given a tiny glimmer of hope by a doctor that seemed to care.  And I waited another week, and was seen again and was given a tiny bit more hope.  And then I was told to see the other doctor again, only to be told she didn't want to see me for another 3.5 weeks.  As I waited and wondered, I was CONVINCED I needed to switch to the other practice asap.  That way I wouldn't have to see this depressing doctor again (who didn't seem to even want to see me anyways), and I could deliver at the hospital I adore-the one with the good cups .  I was all ready to call one day and then I just felt like I needed to see this doctor once more...and that there was a reason I was meant to see her.  And I fought this feeling, but in the end, I went with it and I begrudgingly saw her.  And I could feel my blood pressure racing as I entered the office.  And when I saw her, she was much nicer for sure.  Although its hard to believe someone is sincere, when they give such an uncaring performance the first time you see them.  I walked out of the appt thinking "okay, she was nicer, I will give her that...but WHY am I ultimately supposed to see her".  And I was puzzled, but just going with the flow of the feeling on my heart. 

So now I get this call.  And I will be seeing a maternal/fetal specialist from now on-I won't be seeing the other doctor at all anymore.  So none of this feeling actually had much to do with her I guess.  And now instead, I will be seeing the maternal/fetal specialist-where I had two ultrasounds this pregnancy...where I met with the perinatologist that gave me that small glimmer of hope when all hope seemed lost.  And now, all I can hope-with all my heart-is that I was meant to go to that practice and experience what I did to get to THESE doctors.  And hopefully THESE doctors will be the ones that will help safely guide me through this pregnancy, no matter what complications may arise.  My journey might have changed its route, but I need to see this change as for the better...and that ultimately I am still headed towards the same destination I had oringally set out for.  With faith, all things are possible.  And as I reread what was meant to be my final statement, I feel a tiny wiggle.  Actually the first wiggle.  My little reminder....reminding me of the true meaning of what this journey of faith is REALLY all about. Yes, with faith, all things are possible.   

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

If this baby is a girl....

I have thought for a LONG time that my last would be a girl.  A curly haired girl.  And so maybe I am just being TOOO hopeful, but I really think this baby is a girl.  And maybe I am wrong.  Soon enough,  I will be finding out!   None of that "honey, lets have a surprise" stuff for this baby!  So IF by some miracle I am right and this IS the girl on my mind...then her name will be Aubry Gabrielle.  Aubry bc we have loved that name for a few years now (thanks to my friend Diane who helped sway me towards that name when pregnant with the twins).  As for the middle name, we wanted to use our two grandmothers's names in the middle name, since we feel like they are our guardian angels since their passing.  Their names were Helen and Eleanor...but both were nicknamed Ellie.  So we figured we would NOT be using some combination like Heleanor ;) and instead we would stick with plain old Ellie.  Or Elle.  And then I was sitting in church last week and listening to the readings and we read a reading about the angel Gabriel coming down to Elizabeth's husband to bring good news.  Good news that God had heard her prayers and answered her prayers...and that her womb would be opened and she would have a child.  For some reason, I just sat there thinking about how much I have prayed this last year, not knowing whether or not we should/would have this last child.  I prayed for peace in my heart in regards to this child on my heart.  I prayed for a chance that I COULD get pregnant if we did choose to (since the last delivery was pretty crazy after my hemmorhage and my cycles had been pretty wacky since then).  And I prayed for hope that I could make it safely through one more pregnancy, knowing that we could (ultimately would) be high risk depending on where baby implanted.  And God heard my prayers.  And he has answered my prayers.  He has given me peace in my heart.  And a growing baby in my womb.  And faith that I will make it through whatever unknown journeys I still face.  So all the sudden, Gabriel seemed VERY fitting....although Gabrielle seemed MUCH more fitting for a girl.  :)  And the -elle as the ending would honor our grandomther's as well.  So our girl's name is set...and all ready to use.  And so now I eagerly wait to find out if this is really an Aubry I have been feeling all around me the last few years. 

And if it is not an Aubry, boy, do we sure have a LOT of naming work to do!!  We have absolutely NOTHING in the boy's first name department as of yet.  And we have tried coming up with some boy's names just in case, but to no avail.  Why are boy's names so hard for us!!??!??! 

Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde

Dr. Doom and Gloom Dr. M has gotten a new nickname!  I was majorly freaking out about this latest appointment at 10.5 weeks.  First and foremost, was just worried about baby and that hemmorhage.  And second, bc Dr. Jekyl/Mrs. Hyde Dr. M had been SOOOOOOO incredibly unpleasant my last visit that another visit to see her seemed like a form of torture.  I was all ready to switch, and had the numbers ready to dial for the new office.  But I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason.  My life has been a series of cooincidences that have turned into a lovely life story, so honestly, there was no question to me that I had to give her one last try.  One last chance to see if God was sending me to her office for some unknown reason.

So I went into my appointment stressed beyond belief and I let the nurse know that my blood pressure MUST be crazy high.  She took it and it was only 124/80.  It felt MUCH higher then that!  After doing the weight thing and the pee in a cup thing, I got escorted into my room, to get dressed in my fancy little gown for a full exam. And then I sat there.  And waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And my mind started getting carried away, with thoughts of how I would run out of there, demanding my records on the way out.  And I looked at the pictures of her two daughters on the wall and I calmed down a tiny bit.  And then I noticed a pregnant Willow Tree figurine identical to the one Doug bought me about 4 weeks ago, when the future was so uncertain for this baby.  And I started wondering if this was a sign that I would feel the same peace I got when Doug bought me this figure 4 short weeks ago.  And I then I started studying this weird box thing next to me, wondering what that could be.

So finally she came in and the first thing she said was "who would have thought you would be doing THIS well after that rocky start to your pregnancy".  And she sat down and wanted to know EVERYTHING about all my past deliveries.  And I told her that everything went great with my first 3 pregnancies/deliveries...and that everything seemingly went well after my 4th delivery...that is until I was in recovery for about an hour and started hemmorhaging.  So she had me sign a release to get all my records from the hospital so she could get a better idea about what went on the last time.  And she told me I would be having another c-section (of course I knew that).  So I told her that I was really nervous about another c-section and this would be my last for sure and that I just wanted to make it through this....and she reassured me that that would happen.  I agreed to tie my tubes, which is another blog post for sure....but its not something I was pressured into.  I know this is what I need to do now after this baby.  So she explained to me that she is probably going to refer me to a high risk specialist...but she would have a better idea once she got all my records from other hospital.  She told me about a few of them and told me I had seen the one that looks like Dougie Houser (which he TOTALLY did now that she mentioned it!)   Dougie Houser This perinatologist was a very good doctor though, and he gave me hope when there seemed like so I feel that if I was sent to him, I would certainly get good care. She said that her and the high risk doctor would probably share my care actually. 

So after the discussion part of the appointment, she did a pap (yeah my favorite part) and checked out my scars.  Then she pushed over the weird looking box....and it was an old school ultrasound machine!  She said that we most likely wouldn't see much, and before I could see anything she said "wow look how big the baby is already" and then I caught a glimpse of my sweet baby.  Bouncing around in there.  Kicking and punching.  I was just amazed that I couldn't feel any of it either, bc the baby was moving THAT much!  She let me watch it for a good 30 seconds and she showed me the heartbeat and said everything looked good.  I asked where placenta was, and she pointed that it was growing down low....more the reason I would probably be seeing the high risk doctor sooner rather then later.  So that was pretty much it, she patted me on the back, and was off.  And I sat there wondering how on Earth that could have possibly been the same doctor that was so grim, judgemental, and matter of fact before.  All I can think is that she was having one heck of a bad day perhaps?  I don't know.  So I got another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks at perinatology and hopefully we will get a better idea of what placenta is doing on a really good ultrasound machine.  And all in all, I deemed it a pretty good appointment.  And I figured I could throw the numbers away I was ready to call and switch to.  I feel like God is leading me to this practice for a reason...maybe bc of the really good hospital and the high risk doctors I will see.  Its certainly been one heck of a journey so far, but I trust God is leading me in the right directions.

And so I walked out of the office with a big smile.  Just on a high, after seeing my baby alive and well. My baby that was supposed to miscarry 4.5 weeks ago.  The baby that I was told would have to be terminated at one time.  As nervous as I am about the potential complications I could have (and I am VERY nervous about that), my heart feels like it will burst from the sheer magnitude of excitement and love I feel for this baby.  I get choked up thinking of meeting/holding this baby.  This is the baby I felt around me.  When I looked at our family of 7 and felt someone missing, it was because of this baby.  This baby that has been on my mind the last 2 years....this is the baby that wouldn't leave my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will it away.  This baby that was always on my mind and in my heart is now this baby that is growing and thriving and kicking and punching and bouncing all around inside me.  This baby is MY baby.  I love my baby so much!!!   And no matter how complicated this journey might get, I have faith that God will be there for me AND my beautiful little baby...and in the end, I will see the miracles of God's work when I hold my baby for the first time in my arms.       

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Another reassurance, another symptom...

My heartburn is usually unbearable for my pregnancies.  Its one of my main symptoms usually.  With Elise, I KNEW I was pregnant with her when I suddenly had heartburn again, after 2.5 months without it (yes, I know...we didn't waste any time having our 2nd).  So I have been really surprised that I have been craving hot stuff first of all, and that I can actually tolerate hot stuff, especially when eating it three times a day!!  So this last 2 weeks, I have been feeling a little burn here or there.  And its started to get a little more frequent.  But then last night, I decided I was starving after eating super healthy all day...and Doug brought me home a volcano nacho from Taco Bell.  Well, there is now NO question about it...heartburn is back with a vengeance.  All night, I fell the burn of that darn volcano nacho...and I still feel it this morning.  Yep, its back.  And hopefully that means that baby is doing great in there.  And definately that means its time to go out and buy some jumbo boxes of Tums, bc I am not going to spend another night like last night!    So welcome back heartburn...look forward to the reason why I will have you for the next 7 months!!!